Straightaway: The Movie

Straightaway from Jacques Magazine on Vimeo.

You can go behind the scenes of the making Straightaway here.

Cash for my Clunker?

It's been a chorus, these last few weeks. As soon as I roll up the driveway in my big, cream 'Locomotive,' somebody starts yelling how I qualify for 'cash for clunkers.'

"D'you know how much that car is worth? You can get $4,500 for that thing!"

True, $4,500 is considerably more than my car is actually worth (I picked up The Locomotive for a grand) but it still strikes me that 'trading it in' is a complete false economy.

For a start, there's not a single car retailing for under $20,000 that I would even consider buying. I'm not a fan of new cars anyway, so trading in my stylin' Lincoln for a limp replacement doesn't fill me with any enthusiasm whatsoever.

Secondly, buying a new car means monthly payments. Mummy Militant's Toyota costs us $199 a month and pretty much any new car - even with Obama's 'cash for clunkers' payment - will end up costing us about the same (or considerably more.) My Lincoln costs me nothing per month. Already I'd be losing out by buying a new car!

Then there's a deposit, of course. Two grand is about normal - which isn't going to appear out of thin air. My old car costs me, unsurprisingly, nothing to stick with.

So look at it from my perspective. Instead of sticking with a reliable car that costs me nothing to lease or own, the 'economy' of 'Cash for Clunkers' sees me throw down $2,000 as a deposit, make monthly payments of at least $200, all for a car I didn't even want in the first place!

Even the normal argument - that I'd 'earn my money back' in fuel economy - is false. What I'd save in filling the tank, I'd lose in depreciation and the cost of insuring a brand new motor, (instead of a twenty-year-old 'clunker.')

I can see the appeal of the 'cash for clunkers' scheme - Hell, I'd even have considered it for a 5-speed Ford Mustang - but I'm certainly not the sort of 'clunker' driver who's going to take the cheese this time around.

Sure, my 'clunker' might cost me a car payment every few months in maintenance, but this old bird was rolling down the highway for the last twenty years - and will be doing the same for just as long into the future.

Tomorrow's post: Hopefully how my Lincoln didn't break down by the side of the road.

Lincoln and Mini Militant...

Thanks to the amazing Tom for this hilarious slice of American history! (Based on Mini Militant's portrait here.)

The Mazda malcontents - Alike in all but name...

My 1989 Lincoln Town Car is a pretty impressive chunk of car. It's not just eighteen feet long, with a five-liter engine and enough luggage space to stash a snowmobile in - it's also a museum.

Because the gubbins of my Lincoln - the engine, chassis and other automotive accessories - were practically antiques before they'd even rolled off the assembly line.

My Lincoln Town Car shared it's underpinnings with rear-wheel-drive Lincolns as far back as 1970.

In fact, the Hayne's manual for my car covers ALL rear-wheel drive Lincolns from 1970 to 2002 - basically meaning that the cars hadn't evolved mechanically at all in the course of 32 years.

That's even more remarkable when you think that the same mechanics were used for the long-running Ford Crown Victoria (most commonly recognized as the standard American 'Police Cruiser') and the identical, re-badged Mercury Grand Marquis. Funny to think that Ford owned three companies, marketing three different vehicles that were all, essentially, the same.

And this attitude hasn't changed. Just look at Ford's current lineup of vehicles. Their Ford Fusion sedan is built on Mazda's CD3 'platform.' The Ford Fusion, it turns out, is essentially the same car as the Mazda 6, just with a different face. And while the 2009 Mazda 6 is the only Japanese car to use this platform, Ford are up to their old tricks, using the same design for their other brands. The Mercury Milan, for example, is built on the same underpinnings as the Ford Fusion, along with both the Lincoln Zephyr MKZ and the Lincoln MKX.

The new and original Mazda 6

The Lincoln Zephyr / MKZ - basically, a Mazda 6 by any name...

The Mercury Milan - are we noticing a pattern here?

The Ford Fusion. Definitely a resemblance here, too!

You've got to wonder if all this redundancy is one of the reasons why Ford's sales are being hit so hard by the current recession. It's been bad for almost all motor manufacturers (Toyota's reported it's first loss in almost four decades.) Ford has weathered the storm comparatively well, but you do end up having to wondering about their marketing strategy.

What's crippled the American automotive industry is a total lack of understanding of the market. Consumer want smaller cars, with more reliability and better fuel economy. That's why Hyundai, for example, have actually increased sales during the economic crisis.

Ford, in common with GM and Chrysler, have just continued doing what they've always done - churned out the same cars (and, after the fact, wondered why nobody's buying them.)

This is especially relevant when it comes to their range of vehicles built on Mazda's CD3 platform. On offer are five similar vehicles - all with comparable engines and options. When a customer walks into a Ford or Mercury showroom, they want choice. Instead, they're offered five identical options, just with different badges.

It you look at the Mazda 6 reviews you'll see that they're generally better than the reviews of the Ford-family of cars. Perhaps this is because the Mazda 6 is one car, trying to do one thing (with a wide range of options, from different engines to manual or automatic transmissions.)

The Ford family, on the other hand, have one car trying to be five different cars. The Fusion, Marina and both Lincolns all have fairly restrictive options, with gearbox and engine combinations that are unique to each 'brand.' This means they waste a huge amount of effort in redundant marketing.

Whereas Mazda only need to market one car, Ford need to market five. If both Mazda and Ford had the same advertising budget overall, the Mazda 6 would end up five times more 'visible' because their message isn't diluted across three different brands.

Advertising is cumulative - like a snowball, the more of it there is, the more effective it becomes. Ford, on the other hand, is already shooting itself in the foot by dividing it's marketing assets before it's even hit the marketplace.

In the current climate, it's no way to sell cars. Ford need to pare down their range of vehicles and concentrate on single cars from single brands. If they could successfully manage to do that, perhaps they'd manage to weather the economic storm. History, however, suggests otherwise.

Adieu The Pimpmobile

With Tina just about ready to pop, we'd had to give serious thought to getting a more sensible automobile - which meant that one of the two red Rolymobiles had to go.

Hearing this, the Lincoln decided to do what every single Roly car does upon hearing the news that it might be sold... [In a couple of week's time, after still being an invaluable transportation unit until that time - Editorial Bear]

It died.

There'd been an intermittent problem with the starter for a while now. Occasionally, if the car wasn't firmly in Park or Neutral, the starter would whizz, but refuse to start the car.

Occasional became permanent. This morning, the Lincoln refused to start and no amount of coaxing, jiggling or swearing would get it to work.

So while I was at the office, oblivious to the whole thing (my parents did the same thing when they got the cat neutered) Tina called the tow company and the Lincoln went away to wherever old livery cars go when they die. [The scrap heap - Editorial Bear.]

I am actually very sad about this. I loved that stupid old car.

For such an astonishing ridiculous beast, it was comfortable, reliable (until this morning) and drove like a dream. It was like cruising in a recliner, sitting behind that big, wooden dashboard, staring out across six feet of gleaming red bonnet.

The Pimpin' Lincoln had style. It cruised on a cushion of air. It could do 85 for hours on end, absolutely silently and without breaking a sweat. The metallic red paint and heavy-duty sound system were worthy of any ghetto-fabulous Pimpmobile and - according to popular legend - former New York Governor Jim McGreevey had done the deed (with all sorts of people, in a variety of combinations) in the back seat.

It had even been discussed on Playboy Radio. My car. Mentioned on their breakfast show.

Goodbye, Pimpmobile. You will be missed.

Can I sell it on eBay?

My cherry-red 1986 Lincoln Town Car has done us proud since we arrived in America.

It's gamely taken me to and from work every day, plus handled the occasional 'jaunt' out of state, to the suburban strip-malls of Long Island or the unspoilt farmland of Pennsylvania.

But like in all good melodramas, just as you've come to love and trust a (mechanical) member of your family, it's daunting and dastardly back-story emerges.

In this case, it's the sordid story of another disgraced tri-state Governor - and the starring role my Lincoln plays in his continued infamy.

You see, I bought my cherry-red car from a rapper, who had sprayed it metallic red to suit the rest of his fleet of old, but well preserved luxury cars. In it's 'previous life,' my Lincoln had been a business-like silver and apparently belonged to non-other than disgraced New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey, back in the days when he was mayor of Woodbridge.

I say apparently because I have no proof. I'm taking the word of a virtual stranger, who maintained that the reason my Lincoln's central-locking has a virtual life of it's own is because it was 'uprated' to provide the former Governor 'enhanced security.'

He could have been fibbing - but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt.

The Governor's Lincoln

Before Eliot Spitzer's hypocrisy was revealed, the most recognizable 'grubby governor' in the New York area was James Edward "Jim" McGreevey - a Colombia and Georgetown alumni who served as an New Jersey assemblyman, local mayor and state senator before winning the 2001 gubernatorial election and becoming Governor of New Jersey.

A controversial governor, mired by accusations of corruption, his downfall came with the appointment of Israeli Golan Cipel as his homeland security adviser.

When the Bergen County Record revealed Cipel's lack of qualifying experience for the position, a background check was launched, leading to The Record classifying Cipel as a 'poet' and a 'sailor' and making innuendo-laden references to Cipel and McGreevey's 'close friendship' and how they 'often travelled together.'

Forced to explain the decision to appoint Cipel to the post, it was soon revealed that Cipel and McGreevey were more than just 'close friends.' They were, in fact, lovers - which probably went a long way to explaining why McGreevey had appointed him to a position for which Cipel was unqualified.

The allegations of corruption and the revelation that McGreevey had cheated on his wife with another man led to the Governor stepping down from his position in November 2004. So ended the sordid saga of Jim McGreevey... Or so you would think.

The Blameless Wife

Meet Dina Matos McGreevey - Jim McGreevey's second wife, who he was married to when revelations of his gay affair came to light.

After learning of her husband's homosexuality, she filed for divorce - and that messy court case has been dragging on since October 2004.

Jim McGreevey wants custody of their kids. Dina Matos wants $600,000. So far, her major trump-card has been her status as the wronged woman, cruelly deceived by a man who lied to her from the very beginning about his sexual orientation.

But just today, Teddy Pedersen, the former driver of then-Mayor McGreevey, revealed that Dina Matos was just as guilty of hypocrisy as her husband. Not only was she fully aware of her husband's malleable sexuality - she regularly joined in a weekly three way known to the participants as 'Friday Night Specials.'

Starting out with dinner and drinks at a local TGI Friday's restaurant, the 'party' would continue in no-less than the back of my car - before winding up at McGreevey's Woodbridge condo.

I'm happy I got the velor seats shampooed now!

This revelation has seriously dented Dina Matos McGreevey's veneer of innocence - possibly giving former Governor McGreevey more clout to demand custody of his kids.

"It's frustrating to hear her call Gov. Spitzer a hypocrite while she's out there being as dishonest as anyone could be about her own life," said Pedersen, 29. "She's framed herself as a victim - yet she was a willing participant."

"She had complete control over what happened in her relationship," he said. "She was there, she knew what was happening, she made the moves. We all did. It's disgusting to watch her play the victim card."

In addition to providing the transport for McGreevey's much-publicised 'Friday Night Specials,' I wonder what other misadventures my Lincoln's witnessed?

If only that walnut-veneer dashboard could talk...

Disclaimer: Although it is widely accepted (by me) that my Lincoln Town Car previously belonged to Jim McGreevey, I have no proof of this beyond the word of a rapper and a bumper-sticker promoting McGreevey's 2001 campaign for Governor. Take this article in the spirit in which it was written.

All American Motoring

Tiffany III...

Given the life changing events about to engulf Tina and I, it would seem completely irresponsible to buy a five litre, V8 powered sports car like a Trans Am.

Like this one, for example, one parked in our driveway.

But it's okay. Technically, we didn't buy this car. We sold our little Subaru (which Tina thought was a bit too small and tinny) and used that money for a five litre, V8 powered Trans Am instead. So, technically, if you think about it, we didn't buy a Trans Am. We traded for it.

This is an important distinction to make. Otherwise, as I said, it would have been completely irresponsible.

In my defence, it was Tina's idea and she had a pretty convincing argument. In a couple of months, life is going to drastically change and the chances of us ever again being in a situation to buy a Trans Am will be slim to none.

This is the car I've always wanted. It's doubtful we'll ever get the opportunity again. And we got it for less than half the asking price.

Considering they only made 660 of the manual-transmission Firebirds in '85 and it's in a really solid condition, that seems like as much of a wise investment as any 'classic' car could be.

So we bought it. Ahem. I mean, traded for it.

Which means, right now, that we're left with two burgundy beasts parked in our driveway. The '85 Firebird Trans Am and the '86 Lincoln Town Car.

Many people wonder why we decided to sell the little, sensible Subaru instead of the Pimpin' Lincoln. Here are the reasons:

1. Despite an apparent 32mpg, compared to the Lincoln's 15mpg, the Impreza has actually only been saving us about $15 per week in petrol.
2. The insurance of the Lincoln is considerably less. The insurance of the Trans Am and the Lincoln combined is idiotically STILL less than the Lincoln and the Subaru.
3. Given the retarded behaviour of most New Jersey drivers, Tina feels considerably safer in a 4400lb Town Car than a 2800lb 'sub compact.'
4. Over the past six months, the Lincoln has cost us considerably less in maintenance than the Subaru - more than making up for the increased petrol costs.
5. The Lincoln can comfortably hold six passengers and has a boot the size of most people's apartments. In comparison, the Subaru squeezed in four people and only if they were willing to get better acquainted.
6. The Lincoln has velour seats. Velour, Baby! In comparison, the Subaru had nylon seats stained with baby vomit. And other people's baby's vomit is never as nice as your own.
7. Nobody is going to steal the Lincoln. Ever.
8. Like it or not, you have to admit the Lincoln is a seriously stylin' bit of vintage automobile - while the Subaru is a Subaru and nobody's going to mistake it for anything different.
9. Finally, and most importantly, we got far more money for a fairly new Subaru than we could ever get for the twenty one year old Lincoln. So selling the 'sensible' car made financial sense.

I don't know if anybody's going to buy my list of excuses (I mean reasons), but that's the way things are. Thank goodness I married such an understanding, indulgent wife!

The Big Freeze

Well, since I've made such a big deal about having an open mind, I ought to admit, I might have badly misjudged the onset of global warming.

Bloody nippy is how I'd have described it this morning. That was before three inches of snow fell while I was at work - and showed no letting up as I gingerly guided my rear-wheel drive yacht home. Average speed? Maybe 20mph. And I felt like Juan Pablo Montoya as I did it.

North American Wildlife and Cars Built before ABS...

As a keen writer of adventure stories, I have often used the phrase: "The car slewed to a halt."

Until tonight, I'd never actually experienced it. However, driving home at 10pm on Veronica Avenue, I suddenly found two deer caught helplessly in my headlights.

Even before my brain focused the thought "I'm never going to stop in time," my foot had slammed on the brake pedal and two tons of Detroit steel tried to dig her heels in.

There was a Hollywood-esque squeal of tires and the car slewed - yes, 'slewed', across the road, eventually coming to a halt at a 45 degree angle to where she'd started.

Maybe - at a generous guess - six inches from the flank of one startled deer.

Chewing cud, they ambled off while I sat there, gripping the big wooden steering wheel in shock.
Two thoughts...

1. Thank goodness I was sober, paying attention and going well under the speedlimit.
2. Blimey, that never happened to me in England...

And it does... Happen in England, I mean. There are deer there and presumably they are no smarter or less suicidal than their American cousins. But after six months of settling into American life - being surprised by the similarities rather than the differences - it suddenly occurred to me just how different the wildlife is here (whether or not it's splattered over the bonnet of your Lincoln.)

Deer are one thing... But did you know there are bears here, too?

In fact, bears are a growing problem in New Jersey. The militant anti-hunting brigade has been so successful that a growing population of black bears are making incursions into populated territory. The New Jersey DEP just released a flyer about how to bear-proof your home.

Then there are raccoons - who look cute, but carry rabies and root through your rubbish. Possums, who are big rats that scurry through the undergrowth. And chipmunks. Adorable, stripy chipmunks (who I've never actually seen up close.)

Oh, and skunks, too. I'd seen pictures of them, but I'd never seen a skunk until I moved to America.

As it happened, I smelt one before I ever saw it.

Oh, sure. To us Brits, the idea of a skunk being smelly is old news. But just how smelly? It boggles the mind when your nostrils flair, your eyes water and you wonder 'just what the hell is that?"

I've even mentioned groundhogs before. We have one in hibernation somewhere in our yard.

To residents of New Jersey, their wildlife might seem mundane. For a country boy from England, it's like living in a Disney cartoon.

But as much as I love wildlife, my encounter with Bambi and her brother on the road was as close as I intend getting any time soon. If you're on the North American roads this winter, keep a good eye out and keep your speed down.

Blast From the Past

Beware of American drivers!

Everybody's heard my opinion of American drivers. Whether swigging coffee or chatting on their mobile phones, they're always threatening to cut across your bows or come crashing into the back of your car.

That's why I drive a rugged old '86 Town Car. Nobody wants to drive into 4400lbs of Detroit steel. But the Town Car actually acquits itself by being more than a luxurious tank on wheels. The damn thing can move!

Just the other day, while avoiding blithely oncoming traffic, I put the pedal-to-the-metal and out-accelerated a late nineties Ford Mustang. The driver watched me tear off, astonished.

I shouldn't be surprised. With a five litre V8 under the bonnet, the Town Car follows the Bentley and Rolls Royce philosophy - of providing 'adequate' power that can propel you out of trouble at a hefty rate of knots.

Further evidence of the Town Car's virility was provided last night, when one of my favourite movies was showing on cable.

Out for Justice was the breakthrough 1990 hit that launched the career of Steven Seagal. Playing a tough cop out to nail his old neighbourhood pal, Seagal's never looked better and the film is miles above the standard cops and robbers fare of the time.

One of the best scenes is a blistering car chase through the streets of Brooklyn - and damned if the bad guys aren't behind the wheel of a first generation Lincoln Town Car, just like mine.

Even with six Italian hoodlums crammed inside, the Town Car easily evades Seagal's hot pursuit - something that's NEVER meant to happen in this sort of movie.

I watched with a certain measure of pride. That's MY car, I smiled.

Of course, it was the bad guy's car. Lincoln Town Cars are always driven by mafia hoods or corrupt CEO's. But that's the beauty of being a bad guy. You might get your comeuppance in the end - but right up until that time, you get to be bad in style.

Object of Desire II

Modern British sports cars are designed with lighter-than-air, hand-assembled and epoxy glued aluminium chassis components.

German manufacturers file more patents each year than NASA.

And the American car industry? It continues to churn out vehicles that belong in the 1950's.

Take Ford for example.

Their model line-up includes the famous Ford Crown Victoria and it's re-badged twin brother, the Mercury Grand Marquis. Detroit's still churning out these cars despite the fact that they're designed the same way cars were during World War Two.

A separate chassis and body. Dependable and rugged rear wheel drive. A powerful and unsophisticated engine.

Body styles and features had changed and evolved, but the basic components haven't. That's why the Haynes manual for my Lincoln Town Car - pretty much a Ford Crown Victoria with a different body - covers all models from 1970 through 2005.

There's nothing fancy or clever about these cars, but they're still immensely popular. Whatever the limitations of the chassis/body layout, the bugs and issues have long been ironed out and the result is a pretty damn solid vehicle.

Which is why I've fallen for it.

I've really enjoyed the way my Lincoln drives, with it's heavy, well-balanced body and that predictable rear-wheel drive. The lazy engine has enough power to heft two tons pretty darn quickly when needed to and the layout of the car - with it's enormous boot and ample space - is ridiculously practical. I love it.

And now I've got the American car bug, I've seen what I really want.

Surprisingly, it's not an antique. In fact, the car I've got my eye on is a late model Ford Crown Victoria Police Interceptor.


They made them in enormous quantities and they can be picked up astonishingly cheaply. Most cars carry hefty mileage - but that Ford drive-train runs hassle-free for at least half-a-million miles.

These cars were built to withstand the punishment of serving the state. The Interceptor package comes standard with uprated nitrogen gas shock-absorbers, reinforced suspension and body-frame and over-sized all-season tyres. With rugged transmission and engine oil coolers - plus a 3.27 rear axle - the Crown Vic can do 129mph without breaking a sweat.

So it's fast and as agile as a two ton workhorse can be. Even better, it's a solid old bird. With an optional Rhino Push Bar (a snip at $100) the police coolly nudge offending vehicles off the road day after day. Front impact safety ratings are five star - not much Germany churns out can match that.

Really, you've got a fast, rugged tank on wheels. A serious bit of motor.

But the thing I really love about the late model Crown Victorias? The fact that they exactly resemble unmarked police cars. Add that optional push bar (those things are illegal in England) and you've got the sort of car nobody cuts up, beeps at or blocks in.

Finally - protection from the terrible and selfish American drivers.

This is the car I'm saving my pennies for now.

Why Americans drive big cars...

Curiously, the commute to the office in Lawrenceville is exactly the same distance as my old commute from Winchester to Ocean/Power FM. 40 miles a day.

In my lunch break today, I did some idle calculation.

Based on the current exchange rate, the cost of petrol in the UK and New Jersey and the mileage my cars got here and in England, I came to a staggering conclusion.

Even though my '86 Lincoln Town Car has an engine 150% larger than my Volvo 480 - and neatly does half as many miles per gallon - it's still a whopping 25% more expensive to drive from Winchester to Fareham and back (40 miles) than it is to drive from North Brunswick to Lawrenceville (also 40 miles.)

Of course, in England my commute took 20 minutes at 80mph. Here it takes 40 minutes at anywhere between 55mph (the speed limit) and a standstill (because of the millions of traffic lights on US Route 1.)

But with maths like that, no wonder people in America are still happy driving 'big' cars.

But it's not so much that America grants indulgence to gas-guzzlers. My commute up to New York City is also shocking. A round-trip (that's a return ticket, folks) costs $21.50 and my subway tickets on the Uptown E Train cost $4 there and back. To get to HQ in London, my return train ticket from Winchester to Waterloo was £40 and my Tube tickets were £4 each. On today's exchange rate, that works out as $96 compared to $24.50.

That's almost a quarter of the price!

No wonder we couldn't afford to live in England.

Oh, it goes without saying that the $24.50 you pay to get from New Brunswick station to the corner of 49th and 6th includes train service that runs on time and pretty much guarantees you a seat.

British Rail? If you were a dog, we'd take you out back and shoot you.