Subway Psychology

"A person is smart. People are dumb."

Kay (Tommy Lee Jones) Men in Black

If aliens landed on Earth, what would their impression be?

Not very positive, if their landing zone was anywhere near a Subway station during rush hour.

Something about public transport brings out the worst in people. We transform from rational, intelligent beings into selfish, stubborn creatures as soon as we disappear underground.

Humanity has sent man to the moon and split the atom, yet stick sixty of us in a subway car and suddenly we're just animals again. We bustle and nudge aside other passengers on the platform. We desperately try to cram three hundred people into a carriage designed for sixty.

Today, a fat man tried to squeeze himself into the overstuffed compartment of the Uptown E Train, his ample backside squished between the carriage doors. His hefty buttocks were preventing the door from shutting, but he feigned innocence and astonishment when the conductor demanded: "Stand CLEAR of the door, Sir."

Riding twenty blocks uptown wasn't a very pleasant experience. Thank goodness I'm tall. A lot of the shorter people on the train found themselves eye-to-armpit or worse.

But, of course, acting idiotic on public transport is not an American invention. New Yorkers might be thoughtless and selfish as they wage their war against the other commuters, but they know the all-important rule. Don't do anything that might delay the train.

The greatest example of subway stupidity I've witnessed was on the Paris Metro, when the sliding doors simply refused to close because so many people were stuffed into the compartment.

"Move forward!" The conductor demanded. "Make room for the doors to close!"

As the passengers in the compartment breathed in and shuffled forward, they created about six inches of free space for the doors to close. Except before they could, an entire wave of eager passengers stepped off the platform to fill the newly vacated space.

If looks could kill, that conductor would be France's greatest serial killer.

Ban the Bloody Bicycle

People know my stance. Four wheels good. Two wheels bad.

If you thought I considered American drivers inconsiderate, they receive just a fraction of the bile I reserve for bicyclists. Whether weaving down the sidewalks of New York City, or knocking pedestrians aside in Oxford, they're all bloody selfish nutcases who cause chaos, disruption and injury wherever they go.

Because they're not burning fossil fuels or pumping money into public transport, the average 'bicycle' commuter has a disgusting sense of pompous self importance. They're saving the world - so they don't care how many people get hurt in the process.

But the problem is, people do get hurt. Every year, hundred of pedestrians and cyclists come a cropper because some git behind the handlebars decided to hop that kerb or skip a red light.

Now personally, I have little problem with bicyclists and motorcyclists rubbing themselves out with their idiotic stunts - but I do have a problem when other people get hurt. This weekend, my sister-in-law on Long Island got run down by a cyclist as she loaded up her car with shopping.

Another selfish bastard, bombing down the tarmac far too fast and smug in the knowledge that the road-traffic laws don't apply to him. Another innocent victim crushed beneath those skinny tyres. This kind of thing happens far too frequently.

Hopefully my sister-in-law will be alright. The cyclist himself seems to be getting off Scot-free. As far as the police are concerned, traffic offenses are only worth prosecution if an internal combustion engine is attached to the vehicle in question.

Which is ridiculous, really.

Take the behaviour of the average cyclist.

• Red light? Carry on going, or get off your bike and 'walk' around the corner.


• Sidewalk, pavements, roads and paths? As long as it's flat, it's a route of access - despite the laws in the UK that say bikes can't mount the pavement.


• Right of way? If the space is three feet wide, a cyclist will 'go for it.' Then the stupid sods wonder why they prang into wing mirrors or get crushed by cars changing lane.

Basically, if they can ride on it, a cyclist will claim it for their own. This leaves the rest of us high and dry.

I say it's high time bicyclists are held to the same standards as other road users and their selfish, abusive behaviour is cracked down on.

I'm sick of idiots on bikes whizzing past me on the pavement: "Get out the f**king way!" or yelling abuse at cars that 'selfishly' pause at traffic lights in front of their route.

I'm sick of the self-important, smug attitude. Sure, riding a bike might be making a minuscule contribution to preventing global warming. It certainly isn't curing cancer, though, and your lane-weaving behaviour ain't doing anything to help the traffic problem, Mate.

If only the idiots on bikes could be more considerate. The High Street at 9am isn't part of the Tour de France. You can swiff along at a fair pace without risking life, limb or the safety of pedestrians. You don't need to play chicken every five minutes with buses and taxis. Just keep at a normal pace and you'll get there sooner than you think.

But the average career bicyclist? They don't care about being considerate. They're just Boy Racers (even the girls) without the souped up Vauxhall Nova.

Why Americans drive big cars...

Curiously, the commute to the office in Lawrenceville is exactly the same distance as my old commute from Winchester to Ocean/Power FM. 40 miles a day.

In my lunch break today, I did some idle calculation.

Based on the current exchange rate, the cost of petrol in the UK and New Jersey and the mileage my cars got here and in England, I came to a staggering conclusion.

Even though my '86 Lincoln Town Car has an engine 150% larger than my Volvo 480 - and neatly does half as many miles per gallon - it's still a whopping 25% more expensive to drive from Winchester to Fareham and back (40 miles) than it is to drive from North Brunswick to Lawrenceville (also 40 miles.)

Of course, in England my commute took 20 minutes at 80mph. Here it takes 40 minutes at anywhere between 55mph (the speed limit) and a standstill (because of the millions of traffic lights on US Route 1.)

But with maths like that, no wonder people in America are still happy driving 'big' cars.

But it's not so much that America grants indulgence to gas-guzzlers. My commute up to New York City is also shocking. A round-trip (that's a return ticket, folks) costs $21.50 and my subway tickets on the Uptown E Train cost $4 there and back. To get to HQ in London, my return train ticket from Winchester to Waterloo was £40 and my Tube tickets were £4 each. On today's exchange rate, that works out as $96 compared to $24.50.

That's almost a quarter of the price!

No wonder we couldn't afford to live in England.

Oh, it goes without saying that the $24.50 you pay to get from New Brunswick station to the corner of 49th and 6th includes train service that runs on time and pretty much guarantees you a seat.

British Rail? If you were a dog, we'd take you out back and shoot you.