Adieu The Pimpmobile

With Tina just about ready to pop, we'd had to give serious thought to getting a more sensible automobile - which meant that one of the two red Rolymobiles had to go.

Hearing this, the Lincoln decided to do what every single Roly car does upon hearing the news that it might be sold... [In a couple of week's time, after still being an invaluable transportation unit until that time - Editorial Bear]

It died.

There'd been an intermittent problem with the starter for a while now. Occasionally, if the car wasn't firmly in Park or Neutral, the starter would whizz, but refuse to start the car.

Occasional became permanent. This morning, the Lincoln refused to start and no amount of coaxing, jiggling or swearing would get it to work.

So while I was at the office, oblivious to the whole thing (my parents did the same thing when they got the cat neutered) Tina called the tow company and the Lincoln went away to wherever old livery cars go when they die. [The scrap heap - Editorial Bear.]

I am actually very sad about this. I loved that stupid old car.

For such an astonishing ridiculous beast, it was comfortable, reliable (until this morning) and drove like a dream. It was like cruising in a recliner, sitting behind that big, wooden dashboard, staring out across six feet of gleaming red bonnet.

The Pimpin' Lincoln had style. It cruised on a cushion of air. It could do 85 for hours on end, absolutely silently and without breaking a sweat. The metallic red paint and heavy-duty sound system were worthy of any ghetto-fabulous Pimpmobile and - according to popular legend - former New York Governor Jim McGreevey had done the deed (with all sorts of people, in a variety of combinations) in the back seat.

It had even been discussed on Playboy Radio. My car. Mentioned on their breakfast show.

Goodbye, Pimpmobile. You will be missed.

Tiffany III...

Given the life changing events about to engulf Tina and I, it would seem completely irresponsible to buy a five litre, V8 powered sports car like a Trans Am.

Like this one, for example, one parked in our driveway.

But it's okay. Technically, we didn't buy this car. We sold our little Subaru (which Tina thought was a bit too small and tinny) and used that money for a five litre, V8 powered Trans Am instead. So, technically, if you think about it, we didn't buy a Trans Am. We traded for it.

This is an important distinction to make. Otherwise, as I said, it would have been completely irresponsible.

In my defence, it was Tina's idea and she had a pretty convincing argument. In a couple of months, life is going to drastically change and the chances of us ever again being in a situation to buy a Trans Am will be slim to none.

This is the car I've always wanted. It's doubtful we'll ever get the opportunity again. And we got it for less than half the asking price.

Considering they only made 660 of the manual-transmission Firebirds in '85 and it's in a really solid condition, that seems like as much of a wise investment as any 'classic' car could be.

So we bought it. Ahem. I mean, traded for it.

Which means, right now, that we're left with two burgundy beasts parked in our driveway. The '85 Firebird Trans Am and the '86 Lincoln Town Car.

Many people wonder why we decided to sell the little, sensible Subaru instead of the Pimpin' Lincoln. Here are the reasons:

1. Despite an apparent 32mpg, compared to the Lincoln's 15mpg, the Impreza has actually only been saving us about $15 per week in petrol.
2. The insurance of the Lincoln is considerably less. The insurance of the Trans Am and the Lincoln combined is idiotically STILL less than the Lincoln and the Subaru.
3. Given the retarded behaviour of most New Jersey drivers, Tina feels considerably safer in a 4400lb Town Car than a 2800lb 'sub compact.'
4. Over the past six months, the Lincoln has cost us considerably less in maintenance than the Subaru - more than making up for the increased petrol costs.
5. The Lincoln can comfortably hold six passengers and has a boot the size of most people's apartments. In comparison, the Subaru squeezed in four people and only if they were willing to get better acquainted.
6. The Lincoln has velour seats. Velour, Baby! In comparison, the Subaru had nylon seats stained with baby vomit. And other people's baby's vomit is never as nice as your own.
7. Nobody is going to steal the Lincoln. Ever.
8. Like it or not, you have to admit the Lincoln is a seriously stylin' bit of vintage automobile - while the Subaru is a Subaru and nobody's going to mistake it for anything different.
9. Finally, and most importantly, we got far more money for a fairly new Subaru than we could ever get for the twenty one year old Lincoln. So selling the 'sensible' car made financial sense.

I don't know if anybody's going to buy my list of excuses (I mean reasons), but that's the way things are. Thank goodness I married such an understanding, indulgent wife!

SIRIUS and the classic car...

Have you heard of SIRIUS Satellite Radio?

If you're an American, you probably have. SIRIUS and it's rival, XM, are the two satellite radio providers for North America and both have invested heavily in convincing the American radio listener to switch from terrestrial FM stations to the wonders of satellite radio.

And to be honest, there's a lot in it for the consumer. Commercial radio is pretty awful in America. All the stations are filled with commercials, sponsorships and promotions. In order to cut costs, programming is syndicated, automated and mangled. Playlists are incredibly restrictive. Originality is out the window.

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Satellite radio offers 100% commercial-free radio, unparalleled choice in musical styles (SIRIUS has 69 different music channels) and you can pick it up in crisp, digital quality from coast to coast thanks to transmitters hanging (or flying, in the case of the SIRIUS ones) through space.

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The only problem is: Terrestrial radio is free. To pick up satellite radio, you need to buy an actual radio transmitter (and SIRIUS and XM radios aren't cross compatible) and a subscription to either service, paid either monthly or as a 'lifetime' subscription.

That's a choice you have to make for yourself. Personally, I'd pay $12,95 a month just so I'm spared having to listen to those bloody GIECO commercials!

In any event, once you've chosen satellite radio, it's up to you to get listening and in the case of SIRIUS, this involves buying and installing a radio.

There are handheld versions, the Stiletto range, which are as intuitive as the average iPod (and can hold as much music, plus get all the SIRIUS radio channels.) You could buy a home unit which plugs into your stereo. In most people's cases, however, the best option is a Dock & Play unit which can be retrofitted in your car.

I am now the proud owner (or borrower) of a Starmate 4 Dock & Play radio. When it came to fitting this swanky new radio in my car, I really decided to test the SIRIUS promise of a simple installation. Out of the millions of SIRIUS radios being used across North America, I imagine very few have been fitted to a car quite as old as mine.

Behold the Militant Gingermobile. 'Bertha' or 'Traveler' depending on who you talk to. An '86 Lincoln Towncar that was designed and constructed a full decade before the technology in my Starmate 4 had even been envisaged.

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Despite the technology gap, the initial fitting of the Starmate seemed to be quite easy. The instructions helped me fit the radio 'dock' to one of my air-vents and the wires neatly slipped into the dash board the same way loose change does.

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In order to pick up the SIRIUS signal, I needed to fit an external antenna to my car. This little magnetic gidget ideally slaps to a big piece of sheet metal (of which the Lincoln has about 4,400lbs) and turns it into a gigantic antenna. The instructions say it has to go onto the roof.

This presented a problem. Despite being so enormous, my Lincoln Town Car has no bare metal on it's roof at all. The entire thing is covered in black vinyl - thick enough to stop the magnet from sticking to the car.

Fortunately the instructions give alternative options for pick up trucks and convertibles, so I was able to fathom a solution to my problem. Just as you'd have to do with a rag-top car, I stuck my antenna onto the boot of the Lincoln.

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The antenna wire from the dashboard radio trailed easily along the car and I was able to slip it under the edges of the carpet, hiding the wire from view and preventing any snagging. Then it was simple to pop it through the firewall - although I had to physically clamber into the boot to accomplish this, always worried that the lid would shut and trap me inside!

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Then I just snaked the cable around the hinge, attached antenna to radio and the job was done neatly and simply. It took about ten minutes and half of that was the commute from one end of my enormous car to the other.

Now SIRIUS is clever. Instead of fitting the tiny radio with speakers, it transmits it's own FM signal which my car's radio picks up, just as if it was a normal radio station. In order to accomplish this, I had to fit an FEA (I've forgotten what that stands for) in the rear window of the Lincoln, facing the radio antenna.

Once I've done that, I simply tune it to the correct frequency (in this case, 103.9FM - an unused local FM bandwidth) and SIRIUS comes roaring out of my speakers instead of that local crap they euphemistically call radio.

So even with an ancient car and the technical ingenuity of a brick, I managed to update the Militant Gingermobile with the latest in satellite audio technology in less than half an hour.

And the truly incredible thing?

It actually works!