Tiffany III...

Given the life changing events about to engulf Tina and I, it would seem completely irresponsible to buy a five litre, V8 powered sports car like a Trans Am.

Like this one, for example, one parked in our driveway.

But it's okay. Technically, we didn't buy this car. We sold our little Subaru (which Tina thought was a bit too small and tinny) and used that money for a five litre, V8 powered Trans Am instead. So, technically, if you think about it, we didn't buy a Trans Am. We traded for it.

This is an important distinction to make. Otherwise, as I said, it would have been completely irresponsible.

In my defence, it was Tina's idea and she had a pretty convincing argument. In a couple of months, life is going to drastically change and the chances of us ever again being in a situation to buy a Trans Am will be slim to none.

This is the car I've always wanted. It's doubtful we'll ever get the opportunity again. And we got it for less than half the asking price.

Considering they only made 660 of the manual-transmission Firebirds in '85 and it's in a really solid condition, that seems like as much of a wise investment as any 'classic' car could be.

So we bought it. Ahem. I mean, traded for it.

Which means, right now, that we're left with two burgundy beasts parked in our driveway. The '85 Firebird Trans Am and the '86 Lincoln Town Car.

Many people wonder why we decided to sell the little, sensible Subaru instead of the Pimpin' Lincoln. Here are the reasons:

1. Despite an apparent 32mpg, compared to the Lincoln's 15mpg, the Impreza has actually only been saving us about $15 per week in petrol.
2. The insurance of the Lincoln is considerably less. The insurance of the Trans Am and the Lincoln combined is idiotically STILL less than the Lincoln and the Subaru.
3. Given the retarded behaviour of most New Jersey drivers, Tina feels considerably safer in a 4400lb Town Car than a 2800lb 'sub compact.'
4. Over the past six months, the Lincoln has cost us considerably less in maintenance than the Subaru - more than making up for the increased petrol costs.
5. The Lincoln can comfortably hold six passengers and has a boot the size of most people's apartments. In comparison, the Subaru squeezed in four people and only if they were willing to get better acquainted.
6. The Lincoln has velour seats. Velour, Baby! In comparison, the Subaru had nylon seats stained with baby vomit. And other people's baby's vomit is never as nice as your own.
7. Nobody is going to steal the Lincoln. Ever.
8. Like it or not, you have to admit the Lincoln is a seriously stylin' bit of vintage automobile - while the Subaru is a Subaru and nobody's going to mistake it for anything different.
9. Finally, and most importantly, we got far more money for a fairly new Subaru than we could ever get for the twenty one year old Lincoln. So selling the 'sensible' car made financial sense.

I don't know if anybody's going to buy my list of excuses (I mean reasons), but that's the way things are. Thank goodness I married such an understanding, indulgent wife!