What would YOU do? A Competition!

Inspired by the likes of Essin' Em and Coffee Bean, who give away stuff on their website, I am going to be running a Christmas competition!

To enter this competition, all you need to do is leave a comment on this post. Every single verifiable comment made on or before December 15th will be thrown into a hat and the winner picked on December 11th. The lucky victor will receive a signed copy of (God, I'm such a self-publicist) my exciting novel Bootleg Boys.

Every comment counts as an entry, just as long as I can get in contact with the commenter and it's not spam (i.e. flogging Viagra or penis enlargement or whatever.) It can be answering my question, or responding to somebody else's answer.

I can't wait to hear your answers. Now on with the competition:

Congratulations, Governor!

Due to rampant statewide voter registration fraud by ACORN, you have inexplicably been elected Governor of the 51st American State (you know, 'The Imaginary State.')

This beautiful northeastern state boasts both a rich rural economy and a bustling city center, with several major American corporations and factories headquartered in the capital, Nixon.

The population is uniquely moderate, making your state one of the prime 'swing states' and leaving your legislative houses deadlocked between Democrat and Republican.

Your state animal is the Spotted Ass and your State Flower is the Daffodil. Last year, only three tourists were eaten by bears or kidnapped and tortured by inbred hillsmen, so all in all, things are looking pretty good!

While the state supreme court sorts out who's REALLY Governor, you have been left in charge. Please examine the questions below and then leave a comment about what YOU would do.

1: The Bipartisan Bill

With a deadlocked house, both liberals and conservatives fight to get their agendas across. That's why, in an almost unheard of move, backbenchers from both parties have united and put together the 'Bipartisan Bill for Social Justice' for presentation to the house.

With your backing and support, it's likely that this bill would get passed into law. On the other hand, you also wield the 'veto' pen (and it's a very nice Mont Blanc.) You can't make any amendments to this bill. You can either help it become law, or kill it.

The Bipartisan Bill for Social Justice

This bill comprises three amendments to the state constitution:

1. The immediate statewide ban and subsequent illegality of all abortions, except in the case of rape and/or incest, or when the mother's life is in jeopardy.
2. The immediate recognition all all same-sex marriages, granting exactly the same rights, responsibilities and duties of a traditional marriage between man and woman.
3. The immediate and permanent discontinuance of Capital Punishment across the state, with the sentence of all death-row inmates to be commuted to life imprisonment without possibility of parole.

Would you help this bill become law? Or veto it?

2: The Statewide Project to Reduce Abortion

Both Democrats and Republicans wish to reduce the number of abortions performed in our great state. For that reason, a group of liberal Democrats and conservative Republicans have both formulated strategies to tackle the abortion issue statewide. As Governor, you are expected to get fully behind one particular strategy, but can't amend or alter the initiatives in any way. Which one would it be?

The Democratic Project for the Reduction of Abortion

The Democrats wish to spend tens of millions of dollars in explicit sex-education programs in school, promoting abstinence, safe-sex and the responsible use of birth control.

In addition, they wish to launch several expensive family planning initiatives, which include giving out free condoms and birth control in low-income areas and allowing teenagers and minors to receive free birth control without the doctor informing their parents.

They would also role out dramatic welfare programs to encourage low-income families and single women to keep their babies, or assist them with giving their newborns up for adoption by encouraging adoption and fostering, including amongst unmarried couples and single gay people or same-sex couples.

Your trusted advisers estimate that the Democratic project would be successful in reducing abortions in your state by as much as 35% over the course of the next three years. However, this project would cost the state millions of dollars and decrease the average age of teenagers starting sexual activity from 17 to 16.

The Republican Project for Life

The Republicans wish to make a constitutional amendment recognizing that life begins at the moment of conception, thereby making any and all abortions across the state illegal.

Your trusted advisers warn that this project would only eliminate abortions statistically, as hospitals and clinics would no longer record the number of abortions performed.

In fact, your advisers suggest that in combining the numbers of illegal abortions and those now performed out-of-state, the project could eliminate abortions by state residents as little as 15%. You will never know for sure.

In addition, they estimate it would see 1000 people jailed for involvement in illegal abortions over the course of the next few years and at least 50 deaths as a result of badly performed, unregulated 'backstreet' abortions. However, it would be very cost effective in comparison to the Democrat's plan.

ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE!

Just leave your comments below on or before December 10th and, if you're picked from the hat, you'll receive a copy of Bootleg Boys, signed, personalized and mailed out anywhere in the world (but not guaranteed to arrive before Christmas if you live somewhere stupid.)

Bootleg Boys

by Roland Hulme

When it comes to doing business with bootleggers, Adventure Eddy soon discovers that breaking deals comes as naturally to them as breaking import regulations.

So when unscrupulous smuggler Joe Jenkins stiffs him as badly as he’s stiffed Customs & Excise, Eddy decides it’s time to take back what he’s owed.

But swindling a swindler isn’t as simple as it sounds – and the local police are getting increasingly suspicious.

Teaming up with a murderous ex-girlfriend, a scheming stripper and an underhanded attorney, Adventure Eddy embarks on his most ambitious exploit to date.

It’ll take daredevil driving, split-second timing and nerves of steel – but at the end of the day, that’s what being one of the Bootleg Boys is all about.

Can I sell it on eBay?

My cherry-red 1986 Lincoln Town Car has done us proud since we arrived in America.

It's gamely taken me to and from work every day, plus handled the occasional 'jaunt' out of state, to the suburban strip-malls of Long Island or the unspoilt farmland of Pennsylvania.

But like in all good melodramas, just as you've come to love and trust a (mechanical) member of your family, it's daunting and dastardly back-story emerges.

In this case, it's the sordid story of another disgraced tri-state Governor - and the starring role my Lincoln plays in his continued infamy.

You see, I bought my cherry-red car from a rapper, who had sprayed it metallic red to suit the rest of his fleet of old, but well preserved luxury cars. In it's 'previous life,' my Lincoln had been a business-like silver and apparently belonged to non-other than disgraced New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey, back in the days when he was mayor of Woodbridge.

I say apparently because I have no proof. I'm taking the word of a virtual stranger, who maintained that the reason my Lincoln's central-locking has a virtual life of it's own is because it was 'uprated' to provide the former Governor 'enhanced security.'

He could have been fibbing - but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt.

The Governor's Lincoln

Before Eliot Spitzer's hypocrisy was revealed, the most recognizable 'grubby governor' in the New York area was James Edward "Jim" McGreevey - a Colombia and Georgetown alumni who served as an New Jersey assemblyman, local mayor and state senator before winning the 2001 gubernatorial election and becoming Governor of New Jersey.

A controversial governor, mired by accusations of corruption, his downfall came with the appointment of Israeli Golan Cipel as his homeland security adviser.

When the Bergen County Record revealed Cipel's lack of qualifying experience for the position, a background check was launched, leading to The Record classifying Cipel as a 'poet' and a 'sailor' and making innuendo-laden references to Cipel and McGreevey's 'close friendship' and how they 'often travelled together.'

Forced to explain the decision to appoint Cipel to the post, it was soon revealed that Cipel and McGreevey were more than just 'close friends.' They were, in fact, lovers - which probably went a long way to explaining why McGreevey had appointed him to a position for which Cipel was unqualified.

The allegations of corruption and the revelation that McGreevey had cheated on his wife with another man led to the Governor stepping down from his position in November 2004. So ended the sordid saga of Jim McGreevey... Or so you would think.

The Blameless Wife

Meet Dina Matos McGreevey - Jim McGreevey's second wife, who he was married to when revelations of his gay affair came to light.

After learning of her husband's homosexuality, she filed for divorce - and that messy court case has been dragging on since October 2004.

Jim McGreevey wants custody of their kids. Dina Matos wants $600,000. So far, her major trump-card has been her status as the wronged woman, cruelly deceived by a man who lied to her from the very beginning about his sexual orientation.

But just today, Teddy Pedersen, the former driver of then-Mayor McGreevey, revealed that Dina Matos was just as guilty of hypocrisy as her husband. Not only was she fully aware of her husband's malleable sexuality - she regularly joined in a weekly three way known to the participants as 'Friday Night Specials.'

Starting out with dinner and drinks at a local TGI Friday's restaurant, the 'party' would continue in no-less than the back of my car - before winding up at McGreevey's Woodbridge condo.

I'm happy I got the velor seats shampooed now!

This revelation has seriously dented Dina Matos McGreevey's veneer of innocence - possibly giving former Governor McGreevey more clout to demand custody of his kids.

"It's frustrating to hear her call Gov. Spitzer a hypocrite while she's out there being as dishonest as anyone could be about her own life," said Pedersen, 29. "She's framed herself as a victim - yet she was a willing participant."

"She had complete control over what happened in her relationship," he said. "She was there, she knew what was happening, she made the moves. We all did. It's disgusting to watch her play the victim card."

In addition to providing the transport for McGreevey's much-publicised 'Friday Night Specials,' I wonder what other misadventures my Lincoln's witnessed?

If only that walnut-veneer dashboard could talk...

Disclaimer: Although it is widely accepted (by me) that my Lincoln Town Car previously belonged to Jim McGreevey, I have no proof of this beyond the word of a rapper and a bumper-sticker promoting McGreevey's 2001 campaign for Governor. Take this article in the spirit in which it was written.