Why the Doctor Who Movie is an Awful Idea

Steven Moffat and the BBC have definitely been guilty of a few missteps with the past season of Doctor Who; but that all pales into insignificance compared to the latest rumors of infamy emerging from Shepherd's Bush.

Matt Smith has every right to look nervous.

L.A.-based BBC Worldwide Productions is apparently planning a big-screen outing for Britain's favorite time traveler - but here's the kicker: It won't have anything to do with the current Doctor Who at all.

"What Russell T. Davies and then Steven Moffat have done was fantastic," explained Harry Potter director David Yates, tipped to head the project. "But we have to put that aside and start from scratch."

"The notion of the time-travelling Time Lord is such a strong one, because you can express story and drama in any dimension or time."

"We're looking at writers now. We're going to spend two to three years to get it right," said Yates. "It needs quite a radical transformation to take it into the bigger arena. We want a British sensibility, but having said that, Steve Kloves wrote the Potter films and captured that British sensibility perfectly, so we are looking at American writers too."

With a release date of late 2012 or 2013, all I can say is this:

DISASTER!

Doctor Who fans finally had the Doctor they deserved, and plot and pacing that the original series (and the more tedious episodes from Russell T. Davies' tenure) lacked Yet this idiot Yates want to throw it all away?

Fifty years of television heritage? Five decades of (essentially) unbroken continuity? A modern vision of something that's been a childhood memory for three generations of kids in Britain and beyond? And he wants to start from scratch?

I'm immediately fearing the worst - the trampling of something precious. It seems inevitable it'll go the same way as it did when Phillip Noyce murdered The Saint, and Frank Miller slaughtered The Spirit.

The first rule of tackling something so beloved by fans is to stay true to the source material (and you'd think Yates would have known that, since he was tediously loyal to J. K. Rowling's books when he directed the last four, lackluster chapters of the Harry Potter saga.)

Doctor Who the movie is going to be a disaster. You have been warned.

Has Doctor Who Lost the Plot?

But his coat this season was EPIC

This Saturday saw the season finale of Doctor Who; and my verdict was "undecided".

From beginning to end, the sixth season of Doctor Who has been a starkly different animal to the one that came before it; and not in a good way.

Perhaps it's understandable. Last year, after all, there was a lot riding on the BBC's flagship TV series.

The creative reins had been passed from Russell T. Davies - the man who'd reinvigorated the franchise - to talented writer Steven Moffat.

Similarly, the much-loved David Tennant (a ubiquitous presence on the BBC) was handing the keys of the TARDIS to the young and untested Matt Smith.

The word on the street was that it would be a disaster. How could you improve upon the near-perfection of David Tennant's tenure in the TARDIS?

But we were all in for a shock. Matt Smith was nothing short of magnificent - the best doctor by far since Tom Baker. Likewise, Steven Moffat created a season-long arc that culminated beautifully in a truly epic finale.

So following that was going to be a challenge. 

But from the season opener of Season 6 - in which the Doctor was gunned down on the banks of Lake Silencio, and evil aliens threatened the Apollo moon landings - something seemed off. That disconnect only worsened as the season progressed.

And I dug the cowboy hat, too...

It was The Telegraph's Neil McCormick who perhaps summed it up best, in his article Doctor Who: they're making it up as they go along.

He writes: "Stephen Moffat likes to convey the impression that there is a grand plan. But if there is, he clearly hasn’t shared it with anyone else, including his actors."

I can't really argue with him.

My disillusionment with Doctor Who came with the mid-season opener, Let's Kill Hitler.

So many gaping, epic plot strings - like River Song's origins, how she learned to fly the TARDIS, where she learned the Doctor's name - were wrapped up so irreverently quickly that Neil McCormick's words sprang immediately to mind - they really were making this up as they went along.

Making matters worse was the way the Doctor Who crew jiggered episodes about to fit them into the new 6 + 6 season arc (six episodes in spring, six in autumn.)

The episodes Night Terrors and The God Complex were classic Doctor Who at their best; but because they were originally intended to be broadcast earlier in the season, they dragged Rory and Amy out of the current, high-octane plot line (in which they were searching through time and space for their kidnapped, infant daughter) and instead had them once again acting as a carefree, childless couple.

One moment, the TARDIS crew were stuck deep in the emotional gravitas of an epic story arc - the next they were frolicking about possessed hotels without a care in the world.

Mummy Militant was immensely irritated by the way Amy and Rory irreverently dealt with the kidnapping of their daughter. Yes, they ultimately knew that she'd grow up to be the ass-kicking archeologist River Song; but as my wife pointed out, that still didn't mean they wouldn't have torn time and space apart in search of their kidnapped infant.

It just wasn't believable human behavior; and that damaged the credibility of every dramatic scene they were in.

My complaint was a little more narrative driven. Two episodes in particular, The God Complex and The Girl Who Waited, kicked off with the Doctor throwing his two friends into life-or-death situations through mind-numbingly inane acts of carelessness.

In one, they venture to a plague-world and lost Amy because she pressed the wrong button on the elevator (lazy writing which undermined the emotional impact of this otherwise powerfully-written episode.)

In the next episode, the Doctor and pals simply arrived on what turned out to be a lethal prison ship; making you wonder exactly what the Doc was entering into his SatNav when he set course on the TARDIS.

Steven Moffat has actually fallen into one of the flaws of the previous, low-budget incarnation of Doctor Who - when the Doctor and his assistants would seem to be mindlessly blundering from one life-threatening situation to the next without any clear direction in mind.

Until now, the new series of Doctor Who has always avoided that; with the Doctor having at least some reason for visiting each destination (even if it was just to visit the dogs with no noses.)

One of the strength of the last season of Doctor Who was that the plot was driven through complex characterization.

This time around, Steven Moffat seemed to be more interested in ticking off boxes in his "loose threads" list. The result meant that none of the episodes really hit their target; and none of the loose threads were tied up entirely satisfactorily.

We can only hope that next season is a little better.

Cable vs. Murdoch - a political vendetta?

Vince Cable, the Business Secretary of the new Lib/Con coalition, has "declared war on Rupert Murdoch."

Regarding the media mogul's plans to become a majority shareholder in BSkyB, Cable has announced that he personally intends to use whatever means necessary – including his pull in parliament – to block the takeover.

He intends to prevent Murdoch from becoming an "unrivalled power in the UK media market, with a dominant position in newspapers and full ownership of a pay TV company set for annual pre-tax profits of over £1bn next year."

And he is, quite frankly, talking out of his backside.

I mean, it's all very well for Cable to complain that "the proposed takeover of BSkyB increases the dominance of News Corporation and reduces the plurality of news sources" - yet that ignores the fact that there's already a media monopoly in the United Kingdom that does exactly that – it's called the BBC.

Every television owner in the United Kingdom is currently legally required to pay a license fee that funds the good old British Broadcasting Corporation – which delivers abundantly funded television, radio and DAB services that put any commercial competition at a serious disadvantage (I know this, because I worked in UK commercial radio for a number of years.)

When Cable argues that "allowing such a dominant force to be created increases the likelihood of the market being distorted" he blithely ignores the fact that the UK media market is already distorted.

One can't honestly buy his claim that Murdoch's media empire will damage the competition when the primary competition is a nationalized media empire that racked up 916 million pounds in sales last year (that's almost a billion quid – similar to the profits of BSkyB) – above and beyond the 3.5 billion pounds the BBC already 'earns' through license fees.

Don't get me wrong – I'm not knocking the BBC. I love programs like Top Gear and Doctor Who and one of the reasons I cancelled my cable subscription in America is because we didn't get BBC America.

However, when it comes to the business of a 'free market' in the British media, we need to admit that it's not figures like Rupert Murdoch who are creating problems. The reason so many UK media groups are disappearing off the map is because the BBC is driving them out of business.

Just look at local radio – how can a commercial station compete with a local BBC station, which doesn't need to worry about raising money through selling advertising? The fact is – it can't. That's why more and more stations are being swallowed up by regional networks – run on a shoestring with networked content in an effort to remain profitable.

As long as the BBC exists, we'll never have a truly 'free market' media system in the UK – so arguments that Rupert Murdoch's plans will 'distort it' are transparently hypocritical. In fact, News Corporation may even bring some balance – a different voice and a different point of view that finally has the clout to stand up against the increasingly politicized BBC.

But what really gets me about Cable's crusade is just how cynical it is. He's made no secret of the fact that he's pursuing a personal vendetta against Murdoch, which somewhat rankles with his assertions that terminating the takeover would be for the 'public good.'

Oh, I'll admit that if Ofcom and Cable do scupper Murdoch's plans, it might be good news for the media minnows who swim in the BBC's wake: but let's not pretend for a moment that those commercial enterprises – staffed by some of the most dedicated, talented and committed people I've ever worked with – are toiling in a 'free market.'

They exist as nothing more than a political indulgence – and Cable's undemocratic actions make their position even more precarious than it was already.

I'm not complaining because I support Rupert Murdoch. I'm complaining because I think Cable's words and actions are a massive abuse of power by a politician with an axe to grind.

If you disagree with me - fine - but just remember this:

It's all very well to cheer when a 'bad guy' like Murdoch gets his wings clipped by a monomaniacal Member of Parliament – but what happens when the next media company that he 'puts in its place' is the one that speaks for you?

The Ginger Doctor

I've been bitching about 'gingerism' for the last couple of days - so how about an example of the complete reverse? Over on the forum Whitechapel, talented artists have been coming up with what they think the thirteenth (and final) incarnation of Doctor Who will look like -and most of them have one thing in common: Ginger hair.

In response to the Doctor's disappointment that he wasn't ginger-haired after his last two reincarnations, many of the artists have decided to correct the oversight - and the results are truly spectacular.

David Carr, from Art Monkey World created this version - who looks a little like a redhead Martin Freeman to me.

He writes: "The Doctor is at his best when he is understated and blending in. I see his 13th incarnation as being the best bits of all his previous incarnations, a sort of who's who of Who. I picture him being some what disheveled, but not in an extreme way, just a little sloppy. Unshaven, un-tucked, and finally ginger."

Todd from Drawing Bored created a great Doctor; the sweater kind of reminding me of Sylvester McCoy's tenure at the helm of the TARDIS. He writes that he was going for something '70s-esque' and his color version is, of course, ginger-haired.


Hugely talented cartoonist Ben Dale channels the Doctor's past in his version of the thirteenth incarnation - and result looks like a slimmer, trimmer Colin Baker. He writes: "I like that the Doctor's clothes are often mixed and matched from different eras - but I was still trying to keep it stylish."

"I wanted to bring back the curly hair because quite a few of the other Doctors have that - and a nod to the scarf. Finally he's a ginger too!"

Self-confessed Doctor Who Freak created this, with bona-fide ginger Paul Bettany serving as inspiration for his incarnation of Doctor Who.


"Paul Bettany's brilliant at playing crazy geniuses. And all the incarnations like to look dapper, so I figured a waistcoat would be right." Here's a reference for those who aren't familiar with what Bettany looks like:


Venardhi (sorry, no link to his work) came up with an older, wiser Doctor - and the build, wrinkles and facial structure definitely hark back to one of my favorite Docs, the inimitable John Pertwee. Like Pertwee, this incarnation is notably older than those than came immediately beforehand.

Venhardhi writes: "He retains the twinkle in the eye, and the all-too-clever smirk on his just-so-weathered face, but with a maturity that makes him handsome without being too young or pretty. And of course, he finally gets to be ginger, though with a touch of gray."

"His cane isn't quite necessary, but stylish and gentlemanly and contains his most recent incarnation of his handy sonic screwdriver, which can be easily called upon when needed. (as well as a few other tricks hidden in the harmless looking stick)."

Next, Adam Law (sorry, no links to his work) took the Doctor's reverse-aging to a logical conclusion, writing: "He started out looking way OLD, he might end looking way YOUNG."

I like the Union Jack coffee mug - and, of course, the ginger hair.

JR Hoekstra combined aspects of Christopher Eccleston's Doctor with David Tennant's incarnation to produce his ginger Doctor.

He writes: "The shamrock glows red in the presence of Daleks and sings the Gallifreyan National Anthem when detecting Timelord tech. The TARDIS tattoo is in fact a remote control device for the TARDIS."

I LOVE Aimee Major's take on the redheaded Time Lord, complete with pea coat and Tom Baker-era scarf. He looks like a serious badass.

Brandon Werner from Guns 'n Robots took a more literal approach, remembering Matt Smith's first words when he reincarnated: "Not a girl! And still not ginger!"

As a result, the Doctor's final incarnation is both. Given that I am a huge fan of sexy ginger girls in glasses, I am very much behind this concept! My vote to play her would be Buffy's Felicia Day.


Brandon writes: "In the design of the Doctors, it's important that they look English and like someone that spends their whole life traveling; jackets, comfortable shoes. The Doctors always have a call-back to previous ones - scarf (4th), glasses (10th), question mark (5th), and watch (11th) plus a modern/retro flair, so I went with a trendy 60's-style trench."

And last, but most definitely not least, is artist Zach Reddy's vision of the final Doctor.

In a nod to the fact that this is his final incarnation, the Doctor seems to be prolonging his life through the use of cybernetic grafts, which Zach describes as "Cyberman/TARDIS tech grafts." Similarly, a 'protector' K-9 promises to keep Daleks, Cybermen and even adventurous postmen at bay.

The only question is: If this Doctor is so concerned with protecting his 13th and final incarnation from harm, why the hell is he smoking? Whatever the reason - it's a great design.

In fact, they're all great designs - and all ten of these Doctors are proudly, undeniably, gloriously ginger. For once, the bias is clearly in the favor of redheads and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Thanks, to all ten of you talented artists, for giving redheads a little love in the best way imaginable. Maybe Steven Moffat will pay attention and when Matt Smith's replacement eventually arrives (although that's hopefully many years in the future) he'll be redheaded too!

Doctor Who - Vincent and the Doctor

“Saving the World has Never Been so Ginger!”

No, that’s not the tagline of the new Adventure Eddy story (although perhaps it should be.) That’s the tagline of Vincent and the Doctor – one of the new episodes of the fifth and latest season of Doctor Who. I was duly nervous when I approached it – knowing that there’s been a bit of controversy regarding Doctor Who and so-called ‘Gingerism’ recently.

The story itself saw the Doctor and gorgeous ginger companion Amy perusing the pictures in the Musee d’Orsay – and the Doctor spotting something iffy in his painting The Church at Auvers. Jumping into the TARDIS, they whisk back to 19th century Provence to ask the man himself about the oddity in his impressionist masterpiece.

Karen Gillan and Sunflowers. Two reasons to watch this episode.

Scottish actor Tony Curran is en place as Van Gogh – looking every bit the part (including the red hair), despite his inexplicable Scottish accent (which is dismissed as a TARDIS translation gliche, as explained when Van Gogh asks the similarly-accented Amy if ‘she’s from Holland, like he is.’ )

Dynamic, likeable, excitable and a bit bonkers, Van Gogh is portrayed as the quintessential tortured artist – his suffering made even worse by the fact that a fiendish beast is stalking the cobbled streets of Auvers-sur-Ois and only he can see it. When they do eventually track it down, tragedy taints their victory when they realize the monster was just as much of a victim as the people it slaughtered.

In Soviet Russia, Doctor Who hides behind the sofa from you.

But like the majority of the new Doctor Who episodes, the hunt for the alien-beastie is in reality just a subplot – the story focuses more on the Doctor and Amy’s interactions with Vincent Van Gogh. Writer Richard Curtis – yes, he of Four Weddings and a Funeral – presents the episode as more of a history lesson, giving us a glimpse into Van Gogh’s fractured mental state and a lovingly detailed examination of his artistic talent.

The best point in the episode is when the three of them are gazing into the moonlit Provence sky and the stars and moon melt into Van Gogh’s vision of them – the swirls of color that later become The Starry Night.

Faced with the foreknowledge of Van Gogh’s tragic suicide, Amy and the Doctor break the commandments of time travel and whisk their new friend to the 21st century, where he tearfully sees what he considered his ‘worthless’ paintings on display in the Musee d’Orsay – and a curator (a cameo by Bill Nighy) describes him as the most talented painter in history.

Vincent adapts pretty well to the 21st century - but he can't get his head around iPods either

But after they return him home, Amy and the Doctor are dismayed to discover that they didn’t change anything – Van Gogh’s appointment with a revolver occurs as predestined. But it’s tragedy tinged with optimism – as the Doctor explains to Amy, the good things in somebody’s life aren’t canceled out by the bad and at least what they did for Vincent added to those ‘good things.’

As far as I was concerned, this was one of the best episodes of Doctor Who I’d ever seen – even in a series that continues to impress. When David Tennant and Russell T. Davies left the show at the end of the last season, I was certain things would go downhill (how could you top Tennant’s performance?)

Yet Stephen Moffatt and Matt Smith have managed to make things get consistently better and better. Tighter scripts, deeper characterization and none of that contrived politicizing that Davies is so fond of.

I think what appealed to me about this episode – aside from the French setting and impressionist art – was the way in which they examined what Van Gogh was like during his life compared to the legacy left by his paintings. Drunk, mad, untalented and alone – he was a truly tragic figure who killed himself considering his life a failure.

It’s only from outside of his insular perspective that it’s possible to see the significance of the legacy he left, and the generations of lives he touched. I think for people living with their own flash of Van Gogh’s madness – call it depression, bi-polarism or whatever you want – it’s a reminder that even if you consider yourself utterly insignificant during your bleakest moments, there are probably more people than you realize who think just the opposite about you.

The other noteworthy thing about this episode was, of course, ‘the ginger thing.’ People have complained that Doctor Who is ‘gingerist’ after both David Tennant and Matt Davies noted that their new incarnations weren’t redheaded. Actually, it was just the opposite – both new regenerations were actually disappointed, as the doctor ‘had never been ginger before.’

The final lines of dialogue – in which Amy discusses Van Gogh’s marriage proposal to her and muses ‘our kids would have really, really red hair’ is followed up by a joking reference to a Pond/Van Gogh child being ‘the ultimate ginger.’ It was actually a little trite and counterproductive.

And since we’re talking about the few negative spots in this episode – I’m sure I wasn’t the only person to point out that while Van Gogh apparently lived in Provence during his adventure with the Doctor and Amy, the Church of Auvers they coolly strolled down the road to visit is actually located in the suburbs of Paris – about 500 miles north.

Creative license, I guess – and hardly a significant criticism given just how great the rest of the episode was.

Torchwood Returns!

Russell T. Davies - the complex genius who breathed new life into the Doctor Who franchise - is both a hero and a nemesis of mine. It's hard to ignore the fact that he created a visionary new imagining of one of my most beloved TV shows - but it's also hard to ignore the fact that he took that triumph and thoroughly smooshed it into the ground with spin-off monstrosity Torchwood.

Torchwood: Where plot and characterization fail to collide

Yet despite the cruel words I've had to say about Torchwood, I was insanely excited to hear star John Barrowman tweet that the ill-fated alien detection agency was returning for a forth season. Almost immediately, I've got high hopes about the return - after all, all the annoying characters have been killed off and I'm enough of a Barrowman aficionado to watch it purely for him.

However, I can't help thinking it also has the intense capacity to suck.

And that's the great contradiction with Russell T. Davies - everything he creates winds up in the annals of awesomeness or the slimepits of suck and there's never any 'middle ground.'

In that respect, he strongly reminds me of another science fiction legend - the great Joss Whedon. Whedon is the man behind Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Firefly (and used to live in my home city of Winchester, no less.) Both are chubby, poorly dressed and have the ill-fated capacity to bring brilliance or banality to whatever enterprise they touch.

Case in point, in Joss Whedon's example, is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Simply the most sublime TV show ever, Whedon perfectly balanced comedy, horror and action for seven seasons, before finally wrapping the series up in a climax that saw the town of Sunnydale literally consumed by the Earth (explaining why California business insurance is so high - even with all the earthquakes!)

That triumph mirrors Russell T. Davies, who brought Doctor Who back from relative obscurity and created a brand new formula that made a forty-year-old TV show more relevant than it had ever been.

But while they both hit home runs, they also struck out with the follow-ups.

For Joss Whedon, that follow-up was Angel - which followed the adventures of Buffy's former paramour Angelus, as he tried to make a living solving mysteries in Los Angeles. Originally, I blamed the show's failure on star David Boreanz - but after watching him excel in the current TV series Bones I realize that the shortfall was firmly in the hands of Whedon.

Meanwhile, increasing the business insurance rate of everybody who lives in Cardiff, Russell T. Davies mirrored Whedon's exploits with Torchwood - a spin-off show that followed the adventures of what was arguably his greatest creation: Captain Jack Harkness.

But despite being arguably unsinkable (Captain Jack, played by John Barrowman, is so charismatic even I'd question my heterosexuality around him) Torchwood was a convoluted mess that spent far too much time pontificating about Davies' political opinions (Welsh devolution, gay marriage) than preventing alien invasions.

It's finally time for residents of Cardiff to check their insurance information and prepare for another alien invasion now that a new series is being commissioned.

And for us beleaguered sci-fi fans, we're left wondering whether Russell T. Davies will decide to emulate Whedon's best with this new series - the simply astounding Firefly - or the worst - the nonsensical mess that was Dollhouse.

Whatever the result, it's worthwhile acknowledging that Whedon is no less than two sci-fi series ahead of Davies - yet has ultimately failed to hit commercial gold.

Sonic Servo? Star Trek and Doctor Who Cross Wires

Listening to The Eugenics Wars: The Rise and Fall of Khan Noonien Singh inspired me to watch an old episode of Star Trek on Hulu - the 1968 backdoor pilot 'Assignment: Earth' which was intended to launch a spin-off show similar to Torchwood (but actually watchable.)

One thing that struck me watching this episode was the stunning resemblance hero Gary Seven's 'Servo' device had to Doctor Who's inerrantly useful 'Sonic Screwdriver.'

Gary Seven's 'Servo' - also available in ballpoint.

The Doctor's 'Sonic Screwdriver' - don't leave the TARDIS without one!

From the size, shape - even down to the blue light they emit - they're practically identical. What's more, they both feature the same tendancy to deliver deus ex machina solutions to whatever problems their wielder is currently facing (from locked doors to disabling armed guards.)

Need to disable a nuclear missile? And distract your sentient cat with a laser pointer? Then Seven's 'Servo' is right for you!

The Doctor's 'Sonic Screwdriver,' on the other hand, can also whisk eggs. Probably.

One must clearly have inspired the other - and although Doctor Who is half a decade older than Gary Seven and his Servo, the light, noise and that 'door' thing make me think that it was the Servo that served as inspiration for the current Doctor's handy little toy, not the other way around.

The Eleventh Doctor

So how do you follow an act like David Tennant?

For five years, Tennant was Doctor Who - a role he'd scrunched up, shoved into his pocket and made his own.

Hilarious, dynamic, romantic and witty, Tennant was magnificent as the century-swapping Time Lord. When he finally said goodbye to the role - at the start of this year - I wasn't alone in thinking that the reboot of my favorite TV series was doomed to failure.

Happily, I was wrong.

Thanks to the wonders of the Internet and some lax copyright enforcement by the BBC, I managed to catch the first episode of the new series of Doctor Who and it blew me away.

Kicking off with an amazing action sequence - which saw the TARDIS hurtle through the atmosphere above London - the script soon shifted gear as the newly regenerated Doctor Who found himself stranded in a country village with a very serious little redheaded girl to worry about.

A very serious little girl...

This was where the new Doctor, Matt Smith, got the chance to sink his teeth into the role - literally.

Munching his way through apples, bacon and fish fingers in custard, it quickly became apparent that the eleventh Doctor was going to be every bit as entertaining, engaging and exciting as David Tennant was.

Writer-turned-producer Stephen Moffat then demonstrated how capable he was in the Who driving seat, giving us a cute little time-travel dilemma that saw the Doctor's maiden jaunt take a little longer than anticipated; with our hero returning to the little girl he'd left 'just for five minutes' over a decade later.

She's all grown up now...

Behold the new 'companion' - sassy Scotswoman Amy Pond.

The majority of this episode is dedicated to the electric chemistry between these two new leading cast members. Don't get me wrong - there is a sci-fi plot buried in there somewhere, but it's entirely incidental to what's really important.

Even the Doctor can't get reception out in the countryside.

This episode certainly bodes well for the next generation of Doctor Who adventures. Smith has already eclipsed Tennant in my eyes - and that's not something I ever thought would happen.

If Moffat can keep the energy and enthusiasm of the new series running, I think us Who fans are in for a real treat this year.

Gingerism in Doctor Who?

This New Year's day saw the triumphant end of David Tennant's reign Doctor Who - and his regeneration into chintastic twenty-six-year-old newcomer Matt Smith.

[Oi! That's discrimination against people with abnormally enormous chins! - Editorial Bear.]

With just a few seconds of screen time to distinguish himself in, I thought Smith did pretty well - patting his extremities to ensure his latest regeneration had the prerequisite arms and legs - and then checking his long hair to see what color it was.

"Still not ginger!" he wailed.

This was a reference to David Tennant's original regeneration, five years ago. When morphing from one-season wonder Christopher Ecceleston into the inimitable Tennant, the good Doctor complained "I've never been ginger before!"

Yet the British public have shown their typical ignorance of the past by interpreting Matt Smith's comments another way. Over 100 viewers wrote in to complain that his 'still not ginger' remark was, in fact, gingerism.

So many people complained, in fact, that the BBC even emailed me to ask their opinion for a special edition of the Today show they were doing on 'ginger discrimination' (apparently, ever since I appeared in their documentary "F**k off, I'm Ginger" I've been their 'go to' guy on matters of gingerism.)

[Oi, you fraud! That's categorically untrue. A quick search of Militant Ginger's webstats showed that the BBC randomly found you through a google-search - totally unaware that you'd once been the star of one of their documentaries. - Editorial Bear.]

Anyway, my point is this; there was nothing 'gingerist' about Matt Smith's comments.

In fact, it was categorically un-gingerist - a final hurrah in which producer Russell T. Davies demonstrated that he was as hyper-sensitive to the ginger minority as he was to all the others. It was almost like an apology to all us redheads, suggesting that he, too, was disappointed that the next incarnation of 'The Doctor' wasn't ginger.

In any event, I don't have any antipathy towards the BBC for that comment - quite the opposite. As for the hundred-or-so people who complained about 'gingerism' to the BBC? Well, I admire their dedication to our cause, but they sure backed the wrong horse in this particular case. When it comes to blatant ginger discrimination, they'd be better off assailing Tescos for their disgusting 'Christmas Card' I blogged about last year.

I'm as sensitive - possibly more so - to 'gingerism' than anybody else (hell, my blog's called 'Militant Ginger' for a reason.) But I simply object to real discrimination, not the made up stuff. When I went onto national TV as part of 'F**k off, I'm Ginger,' I told the audience I had no intention of becoming the 'Malcolm X' of gingers. I certainly don't want to become their 'Al Sharpton' by claiming discrimination where clearly, none exists.

Anyway. Here is David Tennant's regeneration sequence:

On Doctor Who

So thanks to the power of You Tube and some lax copyright policing by the BBC, I was able to watch the final episode of Doctor Who yesterday. And although I'd whined about The End of Time Part One being rubbish, I have the admit the second episode was magnificent!

Bernard Cribbins, everybody's favorite old man, reenacting that scene from Star Wars in a laser-turret? The Doctor dodging nuclear missiles in a twirling, whirling space ship? The gratuitous, but lovely cameos by all the old stars of 'Who? And that teary farewell - with David Tennant's lip quivering as he admitted 'I don't want to go!'

Marvellous. Brilliant. A tour de force that wrapped up Tennant's reign as The Doctor with satisfying aplomb.

The only problem now? What comes next...

David Tennant - easily the best Doctor since Tom Baker - will not be easy to replace. Not only that, but the beautiful Tardis design (that's become as much a fixture of the series as he was) crumbled and burnt during Tennant's regeneration. Truly, the next series will be a new 'era' for Who - and producer Stephen Moffat has some seriously big shoes to fill.

I'll tell you this, though - the preview of 'Series 5' does look promising. Not only that, but the newest 'Who girl' - Scottish actress Karen Gillan - is utterly delicious. Not only that, but she's a bona-fide ginger, too! (Even if the Doctor isn't, as Gooseman pointed out.)

Given my love/hate relationship with Russell T. Davies, I'm going to be interested to see where Moffat takes the series. Will the Doctor be popping back, encountering old friends like Captain Jack and Sarah Jane Smith? Or will it be a clean break? Only time will tell (and fortunately, Doctor Who is a Time Lord.)

Anyway. Here's the preview to Series 5. I can't wait!

A Tennant Family Christmas

Proving that Brits are as fickle with their affections as always, one of the most popular men on television is under attack this week. His crime? Being on telly too much.


David Tennant, the charming and talented star of Doctor Who, has popped up on the BBC over 75 times in the last few weeks - and the tabloids are getting their knickers in a twist about it.

The Shropshire Star wrote an amusing article satirically claiming that the BBC had made a formal apology after failing to mention David Tennant or Doctor Who for a complete hour.

BBC executives today apologised after a mistake meant there was no mention of the actor David Tennant on radio and television for at least an hour. Full
story here.

Conservative MP Nigel Evans proved that whatever the issue, there's always a Tory MP to wheel out and complain about it, by hissing:

“'Even the most dedicated fan might have thought that the BBC was turning into the David Tennant Corporation." Full story here.

But personally, I'm delighted. Admittedly, living in America I don't actually have to watch BBC, but I like David Tennant and I can't blame the Beeb for flaunting one of their strongest assets.

Besides, he's leaving Doctor Who on New Year's Day, so even if you've reached your David Tennant Saturation Point, you won't have to put up with it for long.

Speaking of which, did anybody see Doctor Who: The End of Time on Christmas Day? I was able to find it on YouTube - and thought it was rubbish.

Russell T. Davies, as I've written about incessantly, is a magnificent producer - but a lousy writer. As Torchwood proved, scripts by Davies are gloomy, morose, overly obsessed with the pointless death of characters and shoehorned full of Welshness, gayness or political punditry.

Not that I have anything against the Welsh (lived there for three years) the gays (I write for Out Front Colorado) or political punditry - but Davies crams it into the script so clumsily that it seems awkward, strained and distracting.

And The End of Time? What the hell was all that rubbish about? The Doctor blubbing in a cafe? The green, spiky aliens (Who lived up to its low-budget heritage with that one) and an utterly preposterous plot which saw The Master turn every human on the planet into a carbon copy of... himself?

Crikey, I could have written a better send off for David Tennant myself (only I don't 'do' fanfiction - not because I'm a snob, but because it doesn't pay.)

Anyway. I think the BBC owes it to David Tennant to give him as much airtime as he wants. After all, they've got to make up for the awful shambles that was The End of Time somehow.

Doctor Who is back next year!

Take a look at the history teacher on the left. In fact, that's not a history teacher at all. It's the new incarnation of The Doctor, from brilliant British sci-fi show Doctor Who.

Yeah, I'm not altogether impressed either. Matt Smith, who at 26 is the youngest actor ever to take the part, seems to resemble an apologetic Fifth Form lecturer more than the imposing Lord of Time.

The tweedy jacket and bow tie do him no favors - which just compounds the challenge of trying to follow up the blistering performance of former 'Doctor' David Tennant.

But we'll just have to wait and see whether Mr Smith is up to the challenge - and that wait is ticking down.

This Christmas will see Tennant's last episode and bear witness to whatever unfortunate event it is that turns our beloved Tenth Doctor into the Eleventh.

My guesses?

• Shot by a Dalek. Again.
• Fatally upstaged by Captain Jack Harkness.
• Poisoned by a cup of BBC cafeteria coffee.
• Murdered by Lord Voldemort during the filming of the new Harry Potter movies.
• Swallowed whole by Russell T. Davies' enormous gob.
• Electrocuted by the TARDIS' lousy wiring (come on, it looks dangerous as hell!)
  

For those of us here in America, the wait's even longer than it is in the UK. Traditionally, Doctor Who has been broadcasting a few weeks behind Britain - but the past 'series' of one-off specials seem to have been delayed indefinitely!

Compounding the problem, Sci-fi channel (now given the ridiculous name SyFy) have lost rights to Doctor Who and it's back home on BBC America. Which is great, except not every gets BBC America.

Like Militant Ginger, for example.

Our regional cable provider doesn't deliver BBC America, so unless we switch to Direct TV we're going to be in the dark about the new Doctor's new adventures well into the new year!

It's rather frustrating. If the real Doctor was around, I'm sure he'd be able to wiggle his sonic screwdriver into our Cable box and provide us with free and instantaneous access to Satellite Directv (and fix our stereo while he's at it) but here in the real world, we are sans that option.

Inspired by the antics of the Doctor, I have tried a few solutions myself:

Option #1:Watching my neighbor's TV through his suspiciously never-curtained living room window.
Verdict: Failure. All he watches are infomercials and Spanish-language telenovelas.

Option #2: Watching new episodes of Doctor Who on YouTube.
Verdict: Failure. There aren't any new episodes there - just countless badly-made music videos inspired by slightly freaky Jack Harkness/Doctor Who slash fiction.

Option #3: Read the synopsis of new episodes on Wikipedia.
Verdict: Failure. Because anybody can edit Wikipedia, I keep clicking 'edit' and changing the bits I don't like.

Option #4: Create my own Direct TV Satellite dish from leftover foil food containers and plug the resultant feed directly into my TV.
Verdict: Partial failure. No Doctor Who, but I did electrocute several squirrels.

Nope, sadly there's no option available to the likes of Mini Militant. We're just going to have to sit it out and wait for the new series to reach a media that I actually have access to.

I'd say 'I hope Matt Smith is worth the wait,' but from the look of his uninspiring costume, I don't hold out too much hope...

Doctor Who: Not Gay Enough?

This weekend, the BBC announced the new face of their flagship sci-fi show, Doctor Who.

Replacing the wildly popular David Tennant in the role of television's best loved time-traveler will be twenty-six year old unknown Matt Smith.



Matt Smith, best known for... erm... nothing in particular, was handpicked by producer Steven Moffat, who's taking over production duties from Russell T. Davies.

"As soon as Matt walked through the door," Moffat boasted, "I shouted: 'That's our Hitler!' The floppy hair, skinny frame and androgynous features made him an ideal choice for the role."

In previous years, the role of Doctor Who has been handpicked by Russell T. Davies, who stuck to a single, unbreakable rule in casting: "Nobody gets the role unless I want to shag them silly."

From Sore Thumbs

"As soon as I saw Matt Smith," Moffat explained, "I knew that Russell T. Davies would have fancied him. That pretty much sealed the deal for me."

In addition to being lust-worthy of Queer as Folk producer Russel T. Davies, rumors have spread that Matt Smith has even been known to act, on occasion. He appeared in the BBC drama 'Party Animals' and has apparently stared opposite Doctor Who alumni Billie Piper before (possibly as a bee in her '98 music video 'Honey 2 the B.')

Moffat further explained his casting choice to us:

"Russell T. Davies is a great man. In addition to reinventing Doctor Who as one of the most entertaining and critically acclaimed sci-fi series ever, he also managed to make it quite astonishingly gay."

Almost as gay as his previous TV series, Queer as Folk, but, of course, not nearly as gay as Doctor Who spinoff, Torchwood.

"With Russell going," Moffat lamented, "Doctor Who is going to lose an awful lot of it's inherent gayness. That's why we needed a lad like Matt Smith to take the lead role. To compensate for losing Russell, we need to make season five of Doctor Who just as incredibly, unapologetically gay as humanly possible."

"Therefore, we going to ramp up everything to whole new, previously unheard of levels of gayness. You think the same-sex kissing shoehorned into every episode was gay? Just wait until you see Matt Smith totter onto the screen in a pair of stilettos and wrestle the leader of the Cybermen into submission!"

[Editorial Bear: Apparently that episode idea has already been scratched as 'not gay enough.']

"We have a great legacy of gayness to continue," Moffat concluded, "and with Matt leading the way, I've no doubt that we'll succeed."

Season Five of Doctor Who, starring the utterly inconsequential, wet-blanket Matt Smith, will air on the BBC in 2010.

BONUS MATERIAL: Just to allay fears that the new season of Doctor Who will not be gay enough, here is the new star, Matt Smith, in pearls, earings and a frilly white nightie. Apparently this was from a play called That Face.

Doctor Who Christmas Special

At least we're all guaranteed one Christmas goodie come the 25th December - the Doctor Who Christmas Special.

The Captain Jack Harkness Principle

We British and American men are a homophobic lot.

While girls merrily go about smooching and snogging each other in clubs, bars and prime-time television shows, we men are rigid about our sexuality because, well, ick.

Two girls making out with each other is hot and doesn't make either of them gay or bisexual.

Straight girls smooching in a bar. Following the smoking ban, the only reason to go out any more.

In fact ginger goddess Linsday Lohan, who has spent the last few months dating English singer-songwriter Samantha Ronson, definitely declared she wasn't a lesbian when the relationship came to light. In fact, when pressed if she was, at the very least, bisexual, Lohan only reluctantly admitted "Um... Maybe."

But for guys, the rules are different. For most Brits and Americans, bisexual = gay. Metrosexual = gay. Owning a Madonna CD, driving a Miata, watching HGTV (unless you're married) or even admitting to one of your male friends that they scrub up nice = gay.

In fact, the only way to avoid accusations of latent homosexuality is to practice borderline misogyny, spurn female companionship, advocate angry homophobia and spend your entire time hanging out with your (male) pals (during which time, ass-slapping and hugging is acceptable and encouraged.)

Fortunately, one man has arrived from the future to save us men from ourselves: Captain Jack Harkness.

The dashing time-travelling secret agent, made famous on Doctor Who before he was given his own prime-time BBC show Torchwood, runs by a very basic principle: If it can consent, you can have sex with it.

That's why actor John Barrowman is on screen flirting with robots, alien trees and men, women and anything in between. And both men and women love him for it.

Captain Jack is tall, gorgeous, charming and dresses in 1940's style RAF clothes. Women want him. Men want to be him. And some of them want him as well. In fact, despite America and Britain's rampant fear of gay-ish men, there seems to be this carte blanche when it comes to Captain Jack.

Captain Jack Harkness staddling 'the big one.' Not in any way gay at all. Nope. No sir.

You can quite happily admit that, yes, John Barrowman is a damn good looking guy without a crowd of angry lager louts them accusing you of being a 'pillow biter' afterwards - largely because they feel the same way about the handsome Captain Jack.

As far as Mr Harkness is concerned, any concept of sexuality - gay, straight or in between - is outdated and just plain 'quaint.'

Anybody got a TARDIS?

It's not often I'll say this... but I'm (vaguely) homesick. If we were back in England, we'd have the BEST episode of Doctor Who EVER to enjoy on Friday.

The Daleks. Captain Jack. Rose and Martha and Donna (the annoying ginger one with the big chest) and even Sarah Jane Smith!

All in one episode that can't possibly live up to the hype...

I guess I'll just have to wait for three more weeks until they show it here.

Good news? At least Baby will have an amazing introduction to Doctor Who (even if the lil' tyke is too small to appreciate it.)

Doctor Who was one of my earliest memories. Tom Baker, the quintessential 'Doctor' left the series in 1981 and I was only three - so technically I don't how I could possibly have remembered him. But somehow I did - and his miraculous 'tin dog' K-9.

I wonder if Baby will have such fond memories of this classic British TV show?

Torchwood Sucks America

My sister in law has a different cable company than we do, so she receives the wonders of BBC America.

BBC America is the BBC's own television channel in the states, which shows all of Britain's finest TV shows (Top Gear, Doctor Who, Torchwood and... erm... Cash in the Attic.) They're paid for by advertising, so your favourite shows get interrupted every ten minutes for commercials for car insurance and overpriced mineral water.

But you still get them! And that's the main point.

This evening, while babysitting nephew Jared, I got my Doctor Who fix with two back-to-back episodes, followed by two episodes of the Who-spinoff Torchwood, staring everybody's favourite omnisexual time traveller, Captain Jack Harkness.

Watching Torchwood again was quite fun - and I was impressed by the production quality and the (over)acting of John Barrowman as Captain Jack. His gloomy performance in Torchwood has been somewhat explained during his brief return to Doctor Who - so I don't mind so much that he's not up to his charming par.

But in all other respects, watching Torchwood again reminded me of how terrible it is.

It's appalling, it truly is. A real wasted opportunity sustained purely by John Barrowman. And here are the reasons why:

1. The cast are truly terrible. If 'Torchwood' is meant to be this top secret, elite government organisation, why are the 'top' agents all absolutely incompetent, totally unprofessional and so horrifically, over-the-top WELSH. This is the 21st century, people! Don't you think the Torchwood recruiters might have slung their nets slightly wider than Cardiff Bay?
2. The writing is awful. Russell T. Davies might produce gold when he's behind the helm of Doctor Who, but Torchwood is a series of hackneyed sci-fi cliches and recycled movie plots, interspersed by utterly unbelievable romantic and sexual melodrama. And if that wasn't bad enough, Russell T. Davies commits the most heinous of writing crimes... His characters - badly written, incompetent and unlikeable as they are - act without rhyme or reason.

And that's what gets my goat.

Two dimensional as they are, the characters should at least remain true to what brief character attributes Russell T. Davies has deigned to give them. But they don't.

Their actions are cynical and mechanical, servicing the increasingly unlikely plots or injecting totally unbelievable drama by their illogical adventures. They make no sense.

It's lazy, it's dreary and it spoils what has the potential to be an exceptional British sci-fi classic.

The next season of Torchwood is hotly anticipated. Hopefully Russell T. Davies will look more closely at the big picture and make some investments in characterisation - instead of steamrollering us with his pro-Wales and pro-gay agenda.

Torchwood is entertainment, not a party political broadcast. Keep it that way, Russell, and your message will still get across - just like it has with Doctor Who.

Bluetooth Bollocks

If you're Torchwood's Captain Jack Harkness, you can get away with wearing a 'Bluetooth' headset all the time. He's a time-travelling, bi-sexual badass and needs to be able to answer incoming distress calls at the touch of a button - and talk with his hands free.

However, if you are not part of an elite government sponsored alien-killing strike team, yank that expensive blue tooth set out of your lughole THIS INSTANT.

They're ridiculous.

Yet more and more people are wearing them. Every day, in the office and the street, I see people strolling about with shiny Motorola earpieces sticking out of the side of their head. And what's worse? They use them!

Just today, I was standing in the elevator when the person next to me said: "Hey, how're doin'?"

"Erm, fine," I said, bemused. The guy gave me a look that could wilt flowers.

"Didya catch the game last night?" He continued talking, apparently to thin air. "Yeah, the Pats kicked their butts."

It was only then that I realised he was on a Bluetooth headset, hidden under his floppy mullet.

I hate them! People walking around have conversations to thin air. Nobody knows who they're talking to - or if they're talking to anybody. Hell, it used to just be the vagrants and drunks on the streets of New York who would rant nonsensically to invisible friends. Now everybody's doing it.

The worst, though, has to be when a 'Bluetoothed' colleague wanders up to your desk to ask you something.

"You got that copy for me yet?"

I open my mouth to speak and suddenly they hold up their hand. The international signal for: Shut the hell up.

"Oh, hey, George," the buggers will start ranting, "I thought it would go straight to voice mail."

Then they start having a conversation with thin air right in my lughole, looming over my desk like the grim shadow of death. And I, of course, have to wait until they've finished relaying the latest NFL scores before I can finish my conversation with them.

It drives me MAD. I'm sure the first Bluetooth related office execution is only a few months away. Please, Lord, give me a prescription for Xanax or something so it's not me who starts the trend. I could do quite a bit of damage with a staple gun if properly riled up.

So, for the sake of world peace and office safety, PLEASE, people! Loose the Bluetooth headsets!

Didn't anybody SEE the episode of Doctor Who in which the Cybermen took over the planet with Bluetooth headsets? All the people on earth suddenly got zapped into obedience by a 'Bluetooth update' sent by Trigger from Only Fools and Horses (who was, by the way, the least convincing bad guy EVER.)

They've got to go.

But until then, I'm going to sticky-tape a pencil sharpener to my ear and have a one-sided imaginary conversation with absolutely nobody, just so I fit in.