Why the Doctor Who Movie is an Awful Idea

Steven Moffat and the BBC have definitely been guilty of a few missteps with the past season of Doctor Who; but that all pales into insignificance compared to the latest rumors of infamy emerging from Shepherd's Bush.

Matt Smith has every right to look nervous.

L.A.-based BBC Worldwide Productions is apparently planning a big-screen outing for Britain's favorite time traveler - but here's the kicker: It won't have anything to do with the current Doctor Who at all.

"What Russell T. Davies and then Steven Moffat have done was fantastic," explained Harry Potter director David Yates, tipped to head the project. "But we have to put that aside and start from scratch."

"The notion of the time-travelling Time Lord is such a strong one, because you can express story and drama in any dimension or time."

"We're looking at writers now. We're going to spend two to three years to get it right," said Yates. "It needs quite a radical transformation to take it into the bigger arena. We want a British sensibility, but having said that, Steve Kloves wrote the Potter films and captured that British sensibility perfectly, so we are looking at American writers too."

With a release date of late 2012 or 2013, all I can say is this:

DISASTER!

Doctor Who fans finally had the Doctor they deserved, and plot and pacing that the original series (and the more tedious episodes from Russell T. Davies' tenure) lacked Yet this idiot Yates want to throw it all away?

Fifty years of television heritage? Five decades of (essentially) unbroken continuity? A modern vision of something that's been a childhood memory for three generations of kids in Britain and beyond? And he wants to start from scratch?

I'm immediately fearing the worst - the trampling of something precious. It seems inevitable it'll go the same way as it did when Phillip Noyce murdered The Saint, and Frank Miller slaughtered The Spirit.

The first rule of tackling something so beloved by fans is to stay true to the source material (and you'd think Yates would have known that, since he was tediously loyal to J. K. Rowling's books when he directed the last four, lackluster chapters of the Harry Potter saga.)

Doctor Who the movie is going to be a disaster. You have been warned.

Has Doctor Who Lost the Plot?

But his coat this season was EPIC

This Saturday saw the season finale of Doctor Who; and my verdict was "undecided".

From beginning to end, the sixth season of Doctor Who has been a starkly different animal to the one that came before it; and not in a good way.

Perhaps it's understandable. Last year, after all, there was a lot riding on the BBC's flagship TV series.

The creative reins had been passed from Russell T. Davies - the man who'd reinvigorated the franchise - to talented writer Steven Moffat.

Similarly, the much-loved David Tennant (a ubiquitous presence on the BBC) was handing the keys of the TARDIS to the young and untested Matt Smith.

The word on the street was that it would be a disaster. How could you improve upon the near-perfection of David Tennant's tenure in the TARDIS?

But we were all in for a shock. Matt Smith was nothing short of magnificent - the best doctor by far since Tom Baker. Likewise, Steven Moffat created a season-long arc that culminated beautifully in a truly epic finale.

So following that was going to be a challenge. 

But from the season opener of Season 6 - in which the Doctor was gunned down on the banks of Lake Silencio, and evil aliens threatened the Apollo moon landings - something seemed off. That disconnect only worsened as the season progressed.

And I dug the cowboy hat, too...

It was The Telegraph's Neil McCormick who perhaps summed it up best, in his article Doctor Who: they're making it up as they go along.

He writes: "Stephen Moffat likes to convey the impression that there is a grand plan. But if there is, he clearly hasn’t shared it with anyone else, including his actors."

I can't really argue with him.

My disillusionment with Doctor Who came with the mid-season opener, Let's Kill Hitler.

So many gaping, epic plot strings - like River Song's origins, how she learned to fly the TARDIS, where she learned the Doctor's name - were wrapped up so irreverently quickly that Neil McCormick's words sprang immediately to mind - they really were making this up as they went along.

Making matters worse was the way the Doctor Who crew jiggered episodes about to fit them into the new 6 + 6 season arc (six episodes in spring, six in autumn.)

The episodes Night Terrors and The God Complex were classic Doctor Who at their best; but because they were originally intended to be broadcast earlier in the season, they dragged Rory and Amy out of the current, high-octane plot line (in which they were searching through time and space for their kidnapped, infant daughter) and instead had them once again acting as a carefree, childless couple.

One moment, the TARDIS crew were stuck deep in the emotional gravitas of an epic story arc - the next they were frolicking about possessed hotels without a care in the world.

Mummy Militant was immensely irritated by the way Amy and Rory irreverently dealt with the kidnapping of their daughter. Yes, they ultimately knew that she'd grow up to be the ass-kicking archeologist River Song; but as my wife pointed out, that still didn't mean they wouldn't have torn time and space apart in search of their kidnapped infant.

It just wasn't believable human behavior; and that damaged the credibility of every dramatic scene they were in.

My complaint was a little more narrative driven. Two episodes in particular, The God Complex and The Girl Who Waited, kicked off with the Doctor throwing his two friends into life-or-death situations through mind-numbingly inane acts of carelessness.

In one, they venture to a plague-world and lost Amy because she pressed the wrong button on the elevator (lazy writing which undermined the emotional impact of this otherwise powerfully-written episode.)

In the next episode, the Doctor and pals simply arrived on what turned out to be a lethal prison ship; making you wonder exactly what the Doc was entering into his SatNav when he set course on the TARDIS.

Steven Moffat has actually fallen into one of the flaws of the previous, low-budget incarnation of Doctor Who - when the Doctor and his assistants would seem to be mindlessly blundering from one life-threatening situation to the next without any clear direction in mind.

Until now, the new series of Doctor Who has always avoided that; with the Doctor having at least some reason for visiting each destination (even if it was just to visit the dogs with no noses.)

One of the strength of the last season of Doctor Who was that the plot was driven through complex characterization.

This time around, Steven Moffat seemed to be more interested in ticking off boxes in his "loose threads" list. The result meant that none of the episodes really hit their target; and none of the loose threads were tied up entirely satisfactorily.

We can only hope that next season is a little better.

Torchwood Returns!

Russell T. Davies - the complex genius who breathed new life into the Doctor Who franchise - is both a hero and a nemesis of mine. It's hard to ignore the fact that he created a visionary new imagining of one of my most beloved TV shows - but it's also hard to ignore the fact that he took that triumph and thoroughly smooshed it into the ground with spin-off monstrosity Torchwood.

Torchwood: Where plot and characterization fail to collide

Yet despite the cruel words I've had to say about Torchwood, I was insanely excited to hear star John Barrowman tweet that the ill-fated alien detection agency was returning for a forth season. Almost immediately, I've got high hopes about the return - after all, all the annoying characters have been killed off and I'm enough of a Barrowman aficionado to watch it purely for him.

However, I can't help thinking it also has the intense capacity to suck.

And that's the great contradiction with Russell T. Davies - everything he creates winds up in the annals of awesomeness or the slimepits of suck and there's never any 'middle ground.'

In that respect, he strongly reminds me of another science fiction legend - the great Joss Whedon. Whedon is the man behind Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Firefly (and used to live in my home city of Winchester, no less.) Both are chubby, poorly dressed and have the ill-fated capacity to bring brilliance or banality to whatever enterprise they touch.

Case in point, in Joss Whedon's example, is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Simply the most sublime TV show ever, Whedon perfectly balanced comedy, horror and action for seven seasons, before finally wrapping the series up in a climax that saw the town of Sunnydale literally consumed by the Earth (explaining why California business insurance is so high - even with all the earthquakes!)

That triumph mirrors Russell T. Davies, who brought Doctor Who back from relative obscurity and created a brand new formula that made a forty-year-old TV show more relevant than it had ever been.

But while they both hit home runs, they also struck out with the follow-ups.

For Joss Whedon, that follow-up was Angel - which followed the adventures of Buffy's former paramour Angelus, as he tried to make a living solving mysteries in Los Angeles. Originally, I blamed the show's failure on star David Boreanz - but after watching him excel in the current TV series Bones I realize that the shortfall was firmly in the hands of Whedon.

Meanwhile, increasing the business insurance rate of everybody who lives in Cardiff, Russell T. Davies mirrored Whedon's exploits with Torchwood - a spin-off show that followed the adventures of what was arguably his greatest creation: Captain Jack Harkness.

But despite being arguably unsinkable (Captain Jack, played by John Barrowman, is so charismatic even I'd question my heterosexuality around him) Torchwood was a convoluted mess that spent far too much time pontificating about Davies' political opinions (Welsh devolution, gay marriage) than preventing alien invasions.

It's finally time for residents of Cardiff to check their insurance information and prepare for another alien invasion now that a new series is being commissioned.

And for us beleaguered sci-fi fans, we're left wondering whether Russell T. Davies will decide to emulate Whedon's best with this new series - the simply astounding Firefly - or the worst - the nonsensical mess that was Dollhouse.

Whatever the result, it's worthwhile acknowledging that Whedon is no less than two sci-fi series ahead of Davies - yet has ultimately failed to hit commercial gold.

Doctor Who: Not Gay Enough?

This weekend, the BBC announced the new face of their flagship sci-fi show, Doctor Who.

Replacing the wildly popular David Tennant in the role of television's best loved time-traveler will be twenty-six year old unknown Matt Smith.



Matt Smith, best known for... erm... nothing in particular, was handpicked by producer Steven Moffat, who's taking over production duties from Russell T. Davies.

"As soon as Matt walked through the door," Moffat boasted, "I shouted: 'That's our Hitler!' The floppy hair, skinny frame and androgynous features made him an ideal choice for the role."

In previous years, the role of Doctor Who has been handpicked by Russell T. Davies, who stuck to a single, unbreakable rule in casting: "Nobody gets the role unless I want to shag them silly."

From Sore Thumbs

"As soon as I saw Matt Smith," Moffat explained, "I knew that Russell T. Davies would have fancied him. That pretty much sealed the deal for me."

In addition to being lust-worthy of Queer as Folk producer Russel T. Davies, rumors have spread that Matt Smith has even been known to act, on occasion. He appeared in the BBC drama 'Party Animals' and has apparently stared opposite Doctor Who alumni Billie Piper before (possibly as a bee in her '98 music video 'Honey 2 the B.')

Moffat further explained his casting choice to us:

"Russell T. Davies is a great man. In addition to reinventing Doctor Who as one of the most entertaining and critically acclaimed sci-fi series ever, he also managed to make it quite astonishingly gay."

Almost as gay as his previous TV series, Queer as Folk, but, of course, not nearly as gay as Doctor Who spinoff, Torchwood.

"With Russell going," Moffat lamented, "Doctor Who is going to lose an awful lot of it's inherent gayness. That's why we needed a lad like Matt Smith to take the lead role. To compensate for losing Russell, we need to make season five of Doctor Who just as incredibly, unapologetically gay as humanly possible."

"Therefore, we going to ramp up everything to whole new, previously unheard of levels of gayness. You think the same-sex kissing shoehorned into every episode was gay? Just wait until you see Matt Smith totter onto the screen in a pair of stilettos and wrestle the leader of the Cybermen into submission!"

[Editorial Bear: Apparently that episode idea has already been scratched as 'not gay enough.']

"We have a great legacy of gayness to continue," Moffat concluded, "and with Matt leading the way, I've no doubt that we'll succeed."

Season Five of Doctor Who, starring the utterly inconsequential, wet-blanket Matt Smith, will air on the BBC in 2010.

BONUS MATERIAL: Just to allay fears that the new season of Doctor Who will not be gay enough, here is the new star, Matt Smith, in pearls, earings and a frilly white nightie. Apparently this was from a play called That Face.

Torchwood Sucks America

My sister in law has a different cable company than we do, so she receives the wonders of BBC America.

BBC America is the BBC's own television channel in the states, which shows all of Britain's finest TV shows (Top Gear, Doctor Who, Torchwood and... erm... Cash in the Attic.) They're paid for by advertising, so your favourite shows get interrupted every ten minutes for commercials for car insurance and overpriced mineral water.

But you still get them! And that's the main point.

This evening, while babysitting nephew Jared, I got my Doctor Who fix with two back-to-back episodes, followed by two episodes of the Who-spinoff Torchwood, staring everybody's favourite omnisexual time traveller, Captain Jack Harkness.

Watching Torchwood again was quite fun - and I was impressed by the production quality and the (over)acting of John Barrowman as Captain Jack. His gloomy performance in Torchwood has been somewhat explained during his brief return to Doctor Who - so I don't mind so much that he's not up to his charming par.

But in all other respects, watching Torchwood again reminded me of how terrible it is.

It's appalling, it truly is. A real wasted opportunity sustained purely by John Barrowman. And here are the reasons why:

1. The cast are truly terrible. If 'Torchwood' is meant to be this top secret, elite government organisation, why are the 'top' agents all absolutely incompetent, totally unprofessional and so horrifically, over-the-top WELSH. This is the 21st century, people! Don't you think the Torchwood recruiters might have slung their nets slightly wider than Cardiff Bay?
2. The writing is awful. Russell T. Davies might produce gold when he's behind the helm of Doctor Who, but Torchwood is a series of hackneyed sci-fi cliches and recycled movie plots, interspersed by utterly unbelievable romantic and sexual melodrama. And if that wasn't bad enough, Russell T. Davies commits the most heinous of writing crimes... His characters - badly written, incompetent and unlikeable as they are - act without rhyme or reason.

And that's what gets my goat.

Two dimensional as they are, the characters should at least remain true to what brief character attributes Russell T. Davies has deigned to give them. But they don't.

Their actions are cynical and mechanical, servicing the increasingly unlikely plots or injecting totally unbelievable drama by their illogical adventures. They make no sense.

It's lazy, it's dreary and it spoils what has the potential to be an exceptional British sci-fi classic.

The next season of Torchwood is hotly anticipated. Hopefully Russell T. Davies will look more closely at the big picture and make some investments in characterisation - instead of steamrollering us with his pro-Wales and pro-gay agenda.

Torchwood is entertainment, not a party political broadcast. Keep it that way, Russell, and your message will still get across - just like it has with Doctor Who.

Dr Smith and Jones

The new series of Doctor Who opened up with an episode called Smith and Jones.

It was the introduction of new companion Martha Jones - the Jones in the title (and presumably another nod towards Welsh culture by Uber-Taff Russell T. Davies.)

The Smith was the Doctor himself - who's adopted the moniker "Dr Smith" ever since his early days as John Pertwee.

In last night's episode, we met Martha Jones, a trainee doctor at London's Royal Hope hospital (placed just opposite Big Ben for the benefit of the American audience.)

She turns up to work on a Very Bad Day. A day in which her hospital, including all 1,000 staff and patients, is transported to the surface of the moon - neutral territory which allows a brutal intergalactic police force to arrive searching for a single alien criminal.

But there's more than one alien in the hospital. The Doctor is there himself - and he's got to find the real criminal before the Intergalactic Police pin this crook's crimes on him!

It was 45 minutes of fun and adventure - brilliant from beginning to end. I've had wobbly moments with Russell T. Davies ever since he regurgitated that rubbish Torchwood onto our TV screens... But with Doctor Who he very rarely misses the bullseye and tonight's episode showed his aim is spot on at the moment.

Martha Jones is a lovely new character - brilliant and brave. She's also stunningly beautiful. The first authentic 'hottie' I've seen on British TV since I moved back here in 2004.

Russell T. Davies - You've done us Doctor Who fans proud if last night's episode is anything to go by. Now PLEASE get your head together, abandon those Welsh and Gay chips on your shoulder and get the same magic together for the next series of Torchwood.