Why the Doctor Who Movie is an Awful Idea

Steven Moffat and the BBC have definitely been guilty of a few missteps with the past season of Doctor Who; but that all pales into insignificance compared to the latest rumors of infamy emerging from Shepherd's Bush.

Matt Smith has every right to look nervous.

L.A.-based BBC Worldwide Productions is apparently planning a big-screen outing for Britain's favorite time traveler - but here's the kicker: It won't have anything to do with the current Doctor Who at all.

"What Russell T. Davies and then Steven Moffat have done was fantastic," explained Harry Potter director David Yates, tipped to head the project. "But we have to put that aside and start from scratch."

"The notion of the time-travelling Time Lord is such a strong one, because you can express story and drama in any dimension or time."

"We're looking at writers now. We're going to spend two to three years to get it right," said Yates. "It needs quite a radical transformation to take it into the bigger arena. We want a British sensibility, but having said that, Steve Kloves wrote the Potter films and captured that British sensibility perfectly, so we are looking at American writers too."

With a release date of late 2012 or 2013, all I can say is this:

DISASTER!

Doctor Who fans finally had the Doctor they deserved, and plot and pacing that the original series (and the more tedious episodes from Russell T. Davies' tenure) lacked Yet this idiot Yates want to throw it all away?

Fifty years of television heritage? Five decades of (essentially) unbroken continuity? A modern vision of something that's been a childhood memory for three generations of kids in Britain and beyond? And he wants to start from scratch?

I'm immediately fearing the worst - the trampling of something precious. It seems inevitable it'll go the same way as it did when Phillip Noyce murdered The Saint, and Frank Miller slaughtered The Spirit.

The first rule of tackling something so beloved by fans is to stay true to the source material (and you'd think Yates would have known that, since he was tediously loyal to J. K. Rowling's books when he directed the last four, lackluster chapters of the Harry Potter saga.)

Doctor Who the movie is going to be a disaster. You have been warned.

Has Doctor Who Lost the Plot?

But his coat this season was EPIC

This Saturday saw the season finale of Doctor Who; and my verdict was "undecided".

From beginning to end, the sixth season of Doctor Who has been a starkly different animal to the one that came before it; and not in a good way.

Perhaps it's understandable. Last year, after all, there was a lot riding on the BBC's flagship TV series.

The creative reins had been passed from Russell T. Davies - the man who'd reinvigorated the franchise - to talented writer Steven Moffat.

Similarly, the much-loved David Tennant (a ubiquitous presence on the BBC) was handing the keys of the TARDIS to the young and untested Matt Smith.

The word on the street was that it would be a disaster. How could you improve upon the near-perfection of David Tennant's tenure in the TARDIS?

But we were all in for a shock. Matt Smith was nothing short of magnificent - the best doctor by far since Tom Baker. Likewise, Steven Moffat created a season-long arc that culminated beautifully in a truly epic finale.

So following that was going to be a challenge. 

But from the season opener of Season 6 - in which the Doctor was gunned down on the banks of Lake Silencio, and evil aliens threatened the Apollo moon landings - something seemed off. That disconnect only worsened as the season progressed.

And I dug the cowboy hat, too...

It was The Telegraph's Neil McCormick who perhaps summed it up best, in his article Doctor Who: they're making it up as they go along.

He writes: "Stephen Moffat likes to convey the impression that there is a grand plan. But if there is, he clearly hasn’t shared it with anyone else, including his actors."

I can't really argue with him.

My disillusionment with Doctor Who came with the mid-season opener, Let's Kill Hitler.

So many gaping, epic plot strings - like River Song's origins, how she learned to fly the TARDIS, where she learned the Doctor's name - were wrapped up so irreverently quickly that Neil McCormick's words sprang immediately to mind - they really were making this up as they went along.

Making matters worse was the way the Doctor Who crew jiggered episodes about to fit them into the new 6 + 6 season arc (six episodes in spring, six in autumn.)

The episodes Night Terrors and The God Complex were classic Doctor Who at their best; but because they were originally intended to be broadcast earlier in the season, they dragged Rory and Amy out of the current, high-octane plot line (in which they were searching through time and space for their kidnapped, infant daughter) and instead had them once again acting as a carefree, childless couple.

One moment, the TARDIS crew were stuck deep in the emotional gravitas of an epic story arc - the next they were frolicking about possessed hotels without a care in the world.

Mummy Militant was immensely irritated by the way Amy and Rory irreverently dealt with the kidnapping of their daughter. Yes, they ultimately knew that she'd grow up to be the ass-kicking archeologist River Song; but as my wife pointed out, that still didn't mean they wouldn't have torn time and space apart in search of their kidnapped infant.

It just wasn't believable human behavior; and that damaged the credibility of every dramatic scene they were in.

My complaint was a little more narrative driven. Two episodes in particular, The God Complex and The Girl Who Waited, kicked off with the Doctor throwing his two friends into life-or-death situations through mind-numbingly inane acts of carelessness.

In one, they venture to a plague-world and lost Amy because she pressed the wrong button on the elevator (lazy writing which undermined the emotional impact of this otherwise powerfully-written episode.)

In the next episode, the Doctor and pals simply arrived on what turned out to be a lethal prison ship; making you wonder exactly what the Doc was entering into his SatNav when he set course on the TARDIS.

Steven Moffat has actually fallen into one of the flaws of the previous, low-budget incarnation of Doctor Who - when the Doctor and his assistants would seem to be mindlessly blundering from one life-threatening situation to the next without any clear direction in mind.

Until now, the new series of Doctor Who has always avoided that; with the Doctor having at least some reason for visiting each destination (even if it was just to visit the dogs with no noses.)

One of the strength of the last season of Doctor Who was that the plot was driven through complex characterization.

This time around, Steven Moffat seemed to be more interested in ticking off boxes in his "loose threads" list. The result meant that none of the episodes really hit their target; and none of the loose threads were tied up entirely satisfactorily.

We can only hope that next season is a little better.

Doctor Who is back next year!

Take a look at the history teacher on the left. In fact, that's not a history teacher at all. It's the new incarnation of The Doctor, from brilliant British sci-fi show Doctor Who.

Yeah, I'm not altogether impressed either. Matt Smith, who at 26 is the youngest actor ever to take the part, seems to resemble an apologetic Fifth Form lecturer more than the imposing Lord of Time.

The tweedy jacket and bow tie do him no favors - which just compounds the challenge of trying to follow up the blistering performance of former 'Doctor' David Tennant.

But we'll just have to wait and see whether Mr Smith is up to the challenge - and that wait is ticking down.

This Christmas will see Tennant's last episode and bear witness to whatever unfortunate event it is that turns our beloved Tenth Doctor into the Eleventh.

My guesses?

• Shot by a Dalek. Again.
• Fatally upstaged by Captain Jack Harkness.
• Poisoned by a cup of BBC cafeteria coffee.
• Murdered by Lord Voldemort during the filming of the new Harry Potter movies.
• Swallowed whole by Russell T. Davies' enormous gob.
• Electrocuted by the TARDIS' lousy wiring (come on, it looks dangerous as hell!)
  

For those of us here in America, the wait's even longer than it is in the UK. Traditionally, Doctor Who has been broadcasting a few weeks behind Britain - but the past 'series' of one-off specials seem to have been delayed indefinitely!

Compounding the problem, Sci-fi channel (now given the ridiculous name SyFy) have lost rights to Doctor Who and it's back home on BBC America. Which is great, except not every gets BBC America.

Like Militant Ginger, for example.

Our regional cable provider doesn't deliver BBC America, so unless we switch to Direct TV we're going to be in the dark about the new Doctor's new adventures well into the new year!

It's rather frustrating. If the real Doctor was around, I'm sure he'd be able to wiggle his sonic screwdriver into our Cable box and provide us with free and instantaneous access to Satellite Directv (and fix our stereo while he's at it) but here in the real world, we are sans that option.

Inspired by the antics of the Doctor, I have tried a few solutions myself:

Option #1:Watching my neighbor's TV through his suspiciously never-curtained living room window.
Verdict: Failure. All he watches are infomercials and Spanish-language telenovelas.

Option #2: Watching new episodes of Doctor Who on YouTube.
Verdict: Failure. There aren't any new episodes there - just countless badly-made music videos inspired by slightly freaky Jack Harkness/Doctor Who slash fiction.

Option #3: Read the synopsis of new episodes on Wikipedia.
Verdict: Failure. Because anybody can edit Wikipedia, I keep clicking 'edit' and changing the bits I don't like.

Option #4: Create my own Direct TV Satellite dish from leftover foil food containers and plug the resultant feed directly into my TV.
Verdict: Partial failure. No Doctor Who, but I did electrocute several squirrels.

Nope, sadly there's no option available to the likes of Mini Militant. We're just going to have to sit it out and wait for the new series to reach a media that I actually have access to.

I'd say 'I hope Matt Smith is worth the wait,' but from the look of his uninspiring costume, I don't hold out too much hope...

Doctor Who: Not Gay Enough?

This weekend, the BBC announced the new face of their flagship sci-fi show, Doctor Who.

Replacing the wildly popular David Tennant in the role of television's best loved time-traveler will be twenty-six year old unknown Matt Smith.



Matt Smith, best known for... erm... nothing in particular, was handpicked by producer Steven Moffat, who's taking over production duties from Russell T. Davies.

"As soon as Matt walked through the door," Moffat boasted, "I shouted: 'That's our Hitler!' The floppy hair, skinny frame and androgynous features made him an ideal choice for the role."

In previous years, the role of Doctor Who has been handpicked by Russell T. Davies, who stuck to a single, unbreakable rule in casting: "Nobody gets the role unless I want to shag them silly."

From Sore Thumbs

"As soon as I saw Matt Smith," Moffat explained, "I knew that Russell T. Davies would have fancied him. That pretty much sealed the deal for me."

In addition to being lust-worthy of Queer as Folk producer Russel T. Davies, rumors have spread that Matt Smith has even been known to act, on occasion. He appeared in the BBC drama 'Party Animals' and has apparently stared opposite Doctor Who alumni Billie Piper before (possibly as a bee in her '98 music video 'Honey 2 the B.')

Moffat further explained his casting choice to us:

"Russell T. Davies is a great man. In addition to reinventing Doctor Who as one of the most entertaining and critically acclaimed sci-fi series ever, he also managed to make it quite astonishingly gay."

Almost as gay as his previous TV series, Queer as Folk, but, of course, not nearly as gay as Doctor Who spinoff, Torchwood.

"With Russell going," Moffat lamented, "Doctor Who is going to lose an awful lot of it's inherent gayness. That's why we needed a lad like Matt Smith to take the lead role. To compensate for losing Russell, we need to make season five of Doctor Who just as incredibly, unapologetically gay as humanly possible."

"Therefore, we going to ramp up everything to whole new, previously unheard of levels of gayness. You think the same-sex kissing shoehorned into every episode was gay? Just wait until you see Matt Smith totter onto the screen in a pair of stilettos and wrestle the leader of the Cybermen into submission!"

[Editorial Bear: Apparently that episode idea has already been scratched as 'not gay enough.']

"We have a great legacy of gayness to continue," Moffat concluded, "and with Matt leading the way, I've no doubt that we'll succeed."

Season Five of Doctor Who, starring the utterly inconsequential, wet-blanket Matt Smith, will air on the BBC in 2010.

BONUS MATERIAL: Just to allay fears that the new season of Doctor Who will not be gay enough, here is the new star, Matt Smith, in pearls, earings and a frilly white nightie. Apparently this was from a play called That Face.