Torchwood Sucks America

My sister in law has a different cable company than we do, so she receives the wonders of BBC America.

BBC America is the BBC's own television channel in the states, which shows all of Britain's finest TV shows (Top Gear, Doctor Who, Torchwood and... erm... Cash in the Attic.) They're paid for by advertising, so your favourite shows get interrupted every ten minutes for commercials for car insurance and overpriced mineral water.

But you still get them! And that's the main point.

This evening, while babysitting nephew Jared, I got my Doctor Who fix with two back-to-back episodes, followed by two episodes of the Who-spinoff Torchwood, staring everybody's favourite omnisexual time traveller, Captain Jack Harkness.

Watching Torchwood again was quite fun - and I was impressed by the production quality and the (over)acting of John Barrowman as Captain Jack. His gloomy performance in Torchwood has been somewhat explained during his brief return to Doctor Who - so I don't mind so much that he's not up to his charming par.

But in all other respects, watching Torchwood again reminded me of how terrible it is.

It's appalling, it truly is. A real wasted opportunity sustained purely by John Barrowman. And here are the reasons why:

1. The cast are truly terrible. If 'Torchwood' is meant to be this top secret, elite government organisation, why are the 'top' agents all absolutely incompetent, totally unprofessional and so horrifically, over-the-top WELSH. This is the 21st century, people! Don't you think the Torchwood recruiters might have slung their nets slightly wider than Cardiff Bay?
2. The writing is awful. Russell T. Davies might produce gold when he's behind the helm of Doctor Who, but Torchwood is a series of hackneyed sci-fi cliches and recycled movie plots, interspersed by utterly unbelievable romantic and sexual melodrama. And if that wasn't bad enough, Russell T. Davies commits the most heinous of writing crimes... His characters - badly written, incompetent and unlikeable as they are - act without rhyme or reason.

And that's what gets my goat.

Two dimensional as they are, the characters should at least remain true to what brief character attributes Russell T. Davies has deigned to give them. But they don't.

Their actions are cynical and mechanical, servicing the increasingly unlikely plots or injecting totally unbelievable drama by their illogical adventures. They make no sense.

It's lazy, it's dreary and it spoils what has the potential to be an exceptional British sci-fi classic.

The next season of Torchwood is hotly anticipated. Hopefully Russell T. Davies will look more closely at the big picture and make some investments in characterisation - instead of steamrollering us with his pro-Wales and pro-gay agenda.

Torchwood is entertainment, not a party political broadcast. Keep it that way, Russell, and your message will still get across - just like it has with Doctor Who.