Bluetooth Bollocks

If you're Torchwood's Captain Jack Harkness, you can get away with wearing a 'Bluetooth' headset all the time. He's a time-travelling, bi-sexual badass and needs to be able to answer incoming distress calls at the touch of a button - and talk with his hands free.

However, if you are not part of an elite government sponsored alien-killing strike team, yank that expensive blue tooth set out of your lughole THIS INSTANT.

They're ridiculous.

Yet more and more people are wearing them. Every day, in the office and the street, I see people strolling about with shiny Motorola earpieces sticking out of the side of their head. And what's worse? They use them!

Just today, I was standing in the elevator when the person next to me said: "Hey, how're doin'?"

"Erm, fine," I said, bemused. The guy gave me a look that could wilt flowers.

"Didya catch the game last night?" He continued talking, apparently to thin air. "Yeah, the Pats kicked their butts."

It was only then that I realised he was on a Bluetooth headset, hidden under his floppy mullet.

I hate them! People walking around have conversations to thin air. Nobody knows who they're talking to - or if they're talking to anybody. Hell, it used to just be the vagrants and drunks on the streets of New York who would rant nonsensically to invisible friends. Now everybody's doing it.

The worst, though, has to be when a 'Bluetoothed' colleague wanders up to your desk to ask you something.

"You got that copy for me yet?"

I open my mouth to speak and suddenly they hold up their hand. The international signal for: Shut the hell up.

"Oh, hey, George," the buggers will start ranting, "I thought it would go straight to voice mail."

Then they start having a conversation with thin air right in my lughole, looming over my desk like the grim shadow of death. And I, of course, have to wait until they've finished relaying the latest NFL scores before I can finish my conversation with them.

It drives me MAD. I'm sure the first Bluetooth related office execution is only a few months away. Please, Lord, give me a prescription for Xanax or something so it's not me who starts the trend. I could do quite a bit of damage with a staple gun if properly riled up.

So, for the sake of world peace and office safety, PLEASE, people! Loose the Bluetooth headsets!

Didn't anybody SEE the episode of Doctor Who in which the Cybermen took over the planet with Bluetooth headsets? All the people on earth suddenly got zapped into obedience by a 'Bluetooth update' sent by Trigger from Only Fools and Horses (who was, by the way, the least convincing bad guy EVER.)

They've got to go.

But until then, I'm going to sticky-tape a pencil sharpener to my ear and have a one-sided imaginary conversation with absolutely nobody, just so I fit in.