Ask Miltant Ginger

It's time for our regular question and answer column - answering the queries that have been entered into search engines and have sent the reader to this blog.

Should people with a nut allergy eat Honey Nut Cheerios?

The answer to this question is: 'No.' Followed by 'What?!?'

Or, even, answering that question with another question: 'Are you retarded?'

The stuff people enter into search engines boggles the mind sometimes. Was this a legitimate question?

Did somebody with a nut allergy really wonder if it was okay to eat honey nut cheerios? Which, it would be safe to assume, contain nuts. Otherwise they'd be breaching the Trade Descriptions Act!

Good grief! It's idiots like this that force us to print instructions on toothpicks!

More to the point, it's idiots like this that force us to write 'May Contain Nuts' on packets of peanuts (leading to the response: 'Well, I should bloody well hope so!')

So, to answer this question: "You know what, chum? Why don't you go ahead and pour yourself a big bowl of honey nut cheerios and dig right in?"

It would be nice to see Darwin's Theory of 'Survival of the Fittest' in action just to prove the conservatives wrong on creationism.

What does it mean when a New Jersey resident has Pennsylvania Plates on their car?

Well, it could mean that their car is registered in Pennsylvania!

People can live and work in New Jersey, but still keep their auto insured and registered at an address over in the Keystone State. I had two friends who lived in New York, but kept Pa. plates on their cars because the insurance was so much cheaper.

But, just as likely, it's owned by an illegal alien who's got hold of a set of Pa. plates so he can drive about without being pulled over by the local cops.

Where I live, in an almost entirely Spanish neighbourhood, a significant number of cars have battered plates from Pennsylvania, Ohio, Maryland and even Texas. They're all driven by illegal aliens (and mysteriously, the local cops do nothing about it.)

In either event, I'd recommend keeping your distance from cars with out of state plates. If somebody's living and working in Jersey, but have their car registered elsewhere, insurance companies often refuse to pony up if they have an accident.

If you get into a smash with an illegal driver, on the other hand, they'll normally speed away from the scene of an accident just as fast as their piece-of-shit cars will let them.

What does Quantum of Solace mean?

As I explained in this post, the Quantum of Solace is a reference to a short story written by Ian Fleming and first published in his anthology For Your Eyes Only.

The Quantum of Solace is the almost immeasurable spark of love and compassion one person has for another. They say that the opposite of love isn't hate, but indifference. If that quantum of solace is extinguished, the relationship is over.

James Bond himself, British actor Daniel Craig, perhaps explains it better than I can: "Ian Fleming says that if you don't have a quantum of solace in your relationship then the relationship is over. It's that spark of niceness in a relationship that if you don't have you might as well give up."

Quantum of Solace is also the name of the upcoming James Bond movie, set for release this November.

What does the nickname Simon James and Hill mean?

Simon James and Hill are two talented radio presenters I've had a bit of an antagonistic relationship with ever since they took the helm of Original 106's breakfast show.

I suggested that they weren't right for that audience - and the bosses at Original clearly agreed with me, since my old colleague Pat Sissons soon took over the coveted Breakfast show.

But the boys are talented - and swiftly got got promoted to breakfast show presenters on Keerang! radio, following smug git Tim Shaw's well overdue dismissal. Their rambunctious antics make them a perfect match for the popular rock-radio's audience.

As for the nickname? Simon James and Hill is the duo of Simon James and James 'Hill' Burrell. It's a cute moniker that has lots of people asking; 'are Simon, James and Hill three distinct people?' Or, as I once thought; 'are there two Simons, James and Hill?'

Whatever the reason for their nickname, you can read more about the breakfast boys here.

New Jersey Driving Licence

I heard about this Telegraph article from two sources - my father and excellent online forum British Expats.

In it, expat Elizabeth Webster moans about her experiences getting a New Jersey State Driver's Licence - something I've had cause to moan about as well.

But the difference between her experience and mine is that my complications were caused by the oh-so-typically 'Roly' experience of being 'a special case.'

Ignoring the fact that the journey towards my New Jersey licence involved a trip to Staten Island and the exchange of several hundred dollars, the actual process was pretty trouble-free.

I went in. I showed them valid I.D. I took my (computer) test and then I emerged with a New Jersey driver's licence. No, I didn't need to take a driving test itself. Although considering it took me seven attempts to pass in the UK, that's probably a good thing!

Yet, Elizabeth Webster's similar experience obviously warranted an article in the Telegraph.

Her first complaint: "New Jersey has a complex system of allotting a number of points to different pieces of identification. In order to qualify for the driving knowledge test you have to accumulate six points."

In applying for a driver's licence, you have to provide proof that you are who you're claiming to be - since an American driver's licence is basically THE essential form of identification. That's fair enough - and no different to applying for a passport or licence in the UK.

Providing this is EASY.

A valid foreign passport with valid entry visa is worth four points.

In order to get the other two points, you can use any of the following: A Social Security Card (which you receive with your green card.) A bank statement or ATM card (from a US bank.) A utility bill (such as power or cable) that's less than 90 days old or your health insurance card.

A Green Card itself is worth four points.

So anybody who is a valid resident of the United States for more than a month can easily provide enough evidence to get a licence. In fact, when I was just a visitor on a tourist visa in 2002, I still had enough valid ID to provide 'six points' to the New York DMV and registered a car to ferry me about during my visit.

Yet Elizabeth Webster complained that they didn't accept her passport or Birth Certificate because they were both British.

This is rubbish.

Utterly wonderful stuff for an article complaining about the red tape of New Jersey's MVC, but it's utter rubbish. Total crap. Twaddle. Claptrap. Codswallop.

I have been to three different New Jersey Motor Vehicle Commissions on three separate occasions and while they won't accept a British credit card or bank statement, there has NEVER been any issue in accepting a British passport.

After all, it has a valid stamp issued from the Bureau of Citizenship and Immigration Services and the US Embassy in Grovsner Square, so what's good enough for them is good enough for the MVC, I can assure you.

Elizabeth Webster then goes on to complain about the endless waiting she had to endure at the DMV (has she ever been to a British Post Office? Because I can assure you, the wait time is comparable.) And then has a gall to complain about having to pay a whopping $33 for the experience! That's barely fifteen quid (compared to £48.50 for a British licence.)

In short, her terrible article is nothing more than a bland whine about queueing up in a government office interspersed with what can only be wildly exaggerated claims about the 'troubles' she faced proving her identification.

It's utter rot.

If by some tiny chance her article reflects her true experiences, I can only assure her that this is not the normal practice of the New Jersey Motor Vehicle Commission and she should complain immediately.

Somehow, I don't think that'll happen. My feeling is that Elizabeth Webster was more than happy to exaggerate her experiences for the sake of a good yarn about those 'backwards' Americans.

Driving in New Jersey

These are the rules, as far as I can figure them out:

1. All traffic laws must be obeyed whilst a cop is in view.


2. Signs that say: Stop, Yield, No Turns, No U-Turn, No Left Turn or No Turn on Red are only suggestions.


3. If an approaching car has it's turn signals on, it is going straight ahead. That signal has been on for about twenty minutes and the driver just hasn't noticed yet.


4. If an approaching car has no turn signals on, it might turn left or right sharply at any time.


5. Correct procedure at a junction is: Brake Sharply, Make Turn, Accelerate Sharply, Survey Carnage in Rear View Mirror.


6. The bigger car always has right of way.


7. He Who Has Insurance Wins.


8. If you spot a police car, slow down to 10mph, irrespective of the speed limit.


9. Every so often, sound your horn to check that it is still working.


10. Wait until the traffic light turns from red to green before applying lipstick/changing the radio. Ignore the angry honking behind you.


11. When an approaching light turns amber, hit the gas, irrespective of your chances of making the light before it turns red.


12. At a red light, you are authorised to turn right if there is no oncoming traffic or the oncoming traffic is smaller than you are.


13. At a red light marked: "No Turn On Red" you MUST NOT TURN RIGHT until you have clearly checked that there are no police cars behind you.


14. All vehicles in New Jersey must have a valid roadworthiness inspection sticker. These can be obtained for $100 irrespective of the car's actual roadworthiness.


15. If you can still see out of your back window, you don't have enough bumper stickers yet.


16. All campaign bumper stickers must be at least three years out of date, i.e. Bush/Cheney 2000 or Member of the Fraternity of Police 2001.

Identifying other road users:

• New Jersey State Licence Plates, on new or fairly new car: Legitimate, insured, registered New Jersey road user.


• New Jersey State Licence Plates, on old, beaten up or shoddy car: Legitimate, uninsured, registered New Jersey road user.


• New Jersey State Licence Plates, on Ford Crown Victoria: Unmarked police car.


• Out of state plates, such as Pennsylvania, North Carolina, Ohio, Maryland: Illegal immigrant driving uninsured car.


• Out of state plates, Florida: Car registered to Mommy and Daddy at their Florida holiday home.

Babbage to the Future

Yesterday was a lovely day.

It was swelteringly warm and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. Tina and I managed to get things accomplished (this doesn't happen very often) and then we decided to head out to our local pub for the first time.

Because we're both very keen on being sensible and saving money, we hadn't gone out before and just the simple act of walking through Babbage Park to a good old fashioned American steakhouse and pub, on nearby George Street, seemed like a real extravagance. I can't remember a cold pint of beer ever tasting so good. Except the second one.

Buoyed up with foamy goodness, we then returned to Babbage Park where the local church group had set up a big screen to show Back to the Future. Tina and I grabbed a blanket from our house (which overlooks the park) and then enjoyed free popcorn and one of my favourite movies out in the starlit park.

I've always loved Back to the Future. I think I was obsessed with it when I was a kid. It's fun and exciting and the scenes set in the fifties are wonderfully nostalgic. Micheal J. Fox was young and vibrant back in the eighties and boy could I relate to him every time his time-travelling DMC Delorean refused to start (since this happens to me on a regular basis. Well, not the time travelling part.) It reminded me of all the things that fascinated me about America when I was growing up. All these years later - here I am.

Tina I snuggled up and enjoyed the movie. When we walked back afterwards, listening to the crickets humming, I decided that this was probably one of the nicest days I've had since coming back to America.

I think one of the problems with modern life is that everybody WANTS things. Complicated things. Unrequited love. Unlimited money. Firm abs. Calorie free pancakes.

Yesterday reminded me that real happiness doesn't need to involve much. Two pints at Happy Hour. Free popcorn in the park. One of my all time favourite movies and somebody to enjoy it with. Sometimes, the simpler a pleasure is, the more you enjoy it.