Driving in New Jersey

These are the rules, as far as I can figure them out:

1. All traffic laws must be obeyed whilst a cop is in view.


2. Signs that say: Stop, Yield, No Turns, No U-Turn, No Left Turn or No Turn on Red are only suggestions.


3. If an approaching car has it's turn signals on, it is going straight ahead. That signal has been on for about twenty minutes and the driver just hasn't noticed yet.


4. If an approaching car has no turn signals on, it might turn left or right sharply at any time.


5. Correct procedure at a junction is: Brake Sharply, Make Turn, Accelerate Sharply, Survey Carnage in Rear View Mirror.


6. The bigger car always has right of way.


7. He Who Has Insurance Wins.


8. If you spot a police car, slow down to 10mph, irrespective of the speed limit.


9. Every so often, sound your horn to check that it is still working.


10. Wait until the traffic light turns from red to green before applying lipstick/changing the radio. Ignore the angry honking behind you.


11. When an approaching light turns amber, hit the gas, irrespective of your chances of making the light before it turns red.


12. At a red light, you are authorised to turn right if there is no oncoming traffic or the oncoming traffic is smaller than you are.


13. At a red light marked: "No Turn On Red" you MUST NOT TURN RIGHT until you have clearly checked that there are no police cars behind you.


14. All vehicles in New Jersey must have a valid roadworthiness inspection sticker. These can be obtained for $100 irrespective of the car's actual roadworthiness.


15. If you can still see out of your back window, you don't have enough bumper stickers yet.


16. All campaign bumper stickers must be at least three years out of date, i.e. Bush/Cheney 2000 or Member of the Fraternity of Police 2001.

Identifying other road users:

• New Jersey State Licence Plates, on new or fairly new car: Legitimate, insured, registered New Jersey road user.


• New Jersey State Licence Plates, on old, beaten up or shoddy car: Legitimate, uninsured, registered New Jersey road user.


• New Jersey State Licence Plates, on Ford Crown Victoria: Unmarked police car.


• Out of state plates, such as Pennsylvania, North Carolina, Ohio, Maryland: Illegal immigrant driving uninsured car.


• Out of state plates, Florida: Car registered to Mommy and Daddy at their Florida holiday home.