Considerate Driving in New Jersey

Oh my Lord, how I've complained about the drivers in New Jersey.

Considering that most of them aren't qualified to manoeuvre a shopping trolley - far less a $60,000 Sports Utility Vehicle - driving on the New Jersey roads has aged me considerably. Four of my five grey hairs I credit to my wife. The fifth is entirely down to the life-or-death challenge I face every morning on Route 1.

But it appears I don't even need to be in my car to run afoul of New Jersey's automobile anarchists! Here's the situation we discovered this morning, when Tina prepared to drive to work.

What was even more annoying was the 20 feet of empty road in front of his car! He had a car length and a half to pull forward, but NO. He had to park his wheels directly blocking my driveway. Some people!

Driving in New Jersey

These are the rules, as far as I can figure them out:

1. All traffic laws must be obeyed whilst a cop is in view.


2. Signs that say: Stop, Yield, No Turns, No U-Turn, No Left Turn or No Turn on Red are only suggestions.


3. If an approaching car has it's turn signals on, it is going straight ahead. That signal has been on for about twenty minutes and the driver just hasn't noticed yet.


4. If an approaching car has no turn signals on, it might turn left or right sharply at any time.


5. Correct procedure at a junction is: Brake Sharply, Make Turn, Accelerate Sharply, Survey Carnage in Rear View Mirror.


6. The bigger car always has right of way.


7. He Who Has Insurance Wins.


8. If you spot a police car, slow down to 10mph, irrespective of the speed limit.


9. Every so often, sound your horn to check that it is still working.


10. Wait until the traffic light turns from red to green before applying lipstick/changing the radio. Ignore the angry honking behind you.


11. When an approaching light turns amber, hit the gas, irrespective of your chances of making the light before it turns red.


12. At a red light, you are authorised to turn right if there is no oncoming traffic or the oncoming traffic is smaller than you are.


13. At a red light marked: "No Turn On Red" you MUST NOT TURN RIGHT until you have clearly checked that there are no police cars behind you.


14. All vehicles in New Jersey must have a valid roadworthiness inspection sticker. These can be obtained for $100 irrespective of the car's actual roadworthiness.


15. If you can still see out of your back window, you don't have enough bumper stickers yet.


16. All campaign bumper stickers must be at least three years out of date, i.e. Bush/Cheney 2000 or Member of the Fraternity of Police 2001.

Identifying other road users:

• New Jersey State Licence Plates, on new or fairly new car: Legitimate, insured, registered New Jersey road user.


• New Jersey State Licence Plates, on old, beaten up or shoddy car: Legitimate, uninsured, registered New Jersey road user.


• New Jersey State Licence Plates, on Ford Crown Victoria: Unmarked police car.


• Out of state plates, such as Pennsylvania, North Carolina, Ohio, Maryland: Illegal immigrant driving uninsured car.


• Out of state plates, Florida: Car registered to Mommy and Daddy at their Florida holiday home.

Americans are the worst drivers in the world, ever.

Just how terrible American drivers are is something that continues to amaze me.

They are just so astonishingly, universally bad at driving in New Jersey, I'm surprised the federal government hasn't confiscated all our cars and demanded we ride around on donkeys instead.

The sheer awfulness of the average NJ driver encompasses many levels.

First off, there's just the bad driving - like nobody actually educated people how things like the brakes, indicators, steering etc. could all be operated in synchronisation. People are just bad at driving cars. Most motorists can't even handle the simple task of staying in one lane of traffic - they drift back and forth over the white lines like a drunk stumbling down the street. Nobody indicates when they turn. Nobody indicates when they change lane. Nobody actually bothers looking to see if a car is presently occupying the space they intend to move into.

This is probably why NASCAR, the American national motor sport, consists of nothing more sophisticated than driving around in a circle for five hundred miles.

The second level of 'bad driving' is the average driver's attitude. Driving isn't considered a privilege like it is in England. Here owning a car is your God given American right, just like owning firearms. Driving that enormous Lincoln, I know how it feels to be 'King of the Road' when you're behind the wheel of a good, solid American car. But many America drivers act with total disregard for other road users.

The stunts they pull astonish me. Pulling out of blind corners. Cutting people up. Tail gating. Speeding. How there aren't more accidents astonishes me. It seems the only rule on American roads is that you can't let any accidents you cause be declared 'your fault' or it'll hurt your insurance premiums.

For the millions of illegal immigrant road users, who have no insurance, I guess there are no rules.

Drivers here in New Jersey don't care about other road users. They show no courtesy, generosity or concern. They'll happily drive you off the road if it means they're one car length in front of you by the time you reach those traffic lights.

The final level of bad driving involves distractions. Whether it's driving drunk, which seems to carry no social stigma here, or talking on your mobile phone, Americans seem to love 'multi-tasking.' People put on their make up while driving. They read books. They upload songs to their iPods. With modern 'sidekick' mobiles, drivers even send emails while cruising at 55!

Whether it's a trip to the super market or going cross-country to California, driving on American roads is just plain dangerous. I have never driven more slowly or more attentively than driving here in New Jersey. When you're behind the wheel, you can never anticipate when the drivers in front and behind of you will pull some kind of f**kwitted manoeuvre and put your life in danger.

It's making me a better driver - but a terrified one.