Ask Miltant Ginger

It's time for our regular question and answer column - answering the queries that have been entered into search engines and have sent the reader to this blog.

Should people with a nut allergy eat Honey Nut Cheerios?

The answer to this question is: 'No.' Followed by 'What?!?'

Or, even, answering that question with another question: 'Are you retarded?'

The stuff people enter into search engines boggles the mind sometimes. Was this a legitimate question?

Did somebody with a nut allergy really wonder if it was okay to eat honey nut cheerios? Which, it would be safe to assume, contain nuts. Otherwise they'd be breaching the Trade Descriptions Act!

Good grief! It's idiots like this that force us to print instructions on toothpicks!

More to the point, it's idiots like this that force us to write 'May Contain Nuts' on packets of peanuts (leading to the response: 'Well, I should bloody well hope so!')

So, to answer this question: "You know what, chum? Why don't you go ahead and pour yourself a big bowl of honey nut cheerios and dig right in?"

It would be nice to see Darwin's Theory of 'Survival of the Fittest' in action just to prove the conservatives wrong on creationism.

What does it mean when a New Jersey resident has Pennsylvania Plates on their car?

Well, it could mean that their car is registered in Pennsylvania!

People can live and work in New Jersey, but still keep their auto insured and registered at an address over in the Keystone State. I had two friends who lived in New York, but kept Pa. plates on their cars because the insurance was so much cheaper.

But, just as likely, it's owned by an illegal alien who's got hold of a set of Pa. plates so he can drive about without being pulled over by the local cops.

Where I live, in an almost entirely Spanish neighbourhood, a significant number of cars have battered plates from Pennsylvania, Ohio, Maryland and even Texas. They're all driven by illegal aliens (and mysteriously, the local cops do nothing about it.)

In either event, I'd recommend keeping your distance from cars with out of state plates. If somebody's living and working in Jersey, but have their car registered elsewhere, insurance companies often refuse to pony up if they have an accident.

If you get into a smash with an illegal driver, on the other hand, they'll normally speed away from the scene of an accident just as fast as their piece-of-shit cars will let them.

What does Quantum of Solace mean?

As I explained in this post, the Quantum of Solace is a reference to a short story written by Ian Fleming and first published in his anthology For Your Eyes Only.

The Quantum of Solace is the almost immeasurable spark of love and compassion one person has for another. They say that the opposite of love isn't hate, but indifference. If that quantum of solace is extinguished, the relationship is over.

James Bond himself, British actor Daniel Craig, perhaps explains it better than I can: "Ian Fleming says that if you don't have a quantum of solace in your relationship then the relationship is over. It's that spark of niceness in a relationship that if you don't have you might as well give up."

Quantum of Solace is also the name of the upcoming James Bond movie, set for release this November.

What does the nickname Simon James and Hill mean?

Simon James and Hill are two talented radio presenters I've had a bit of an antagonistic relationship with ever since they took the helm of Original 106's breakfast show.

I suggested that they weren't right for that audience - and the bosses at Original clearly agreed with me, since my old colleague Pat Sissons soon took over the coveted Breakfast show.

But the boys are talented - and swiftly got got promoted to breakfast show presenters on Keerang! radio, following smug git Tim Shaw's well overdue dismissal. Their rambunctious antics make them a perfect match for the popular rock-radio's audience.

As for the nickname? Simon James and Hill is the duo of Simon James and James 'Hill' Burrell. It's a cute moniker that has lots of people asking; 'are Simon, James and Hill three distinct people?' Or, as I once thought; 'are there two Simons, James and Hill?'

Whatever the reason for their nickname, you can read more about the breakfast boys here.

Ask Militant Ginger...

Due to the wonders of the Internet, I'm able to actually look up what led people to this blog.

Some of the things people enter into the search engines are just bizarre strings of random words, but some are actually legitimate questions.

Therefore, I have decided to run a monthly 'Ask Militant Ginger' column to answer some of the pressing questions that people have sought me out to answer.

My cat ingested a peanut. What should I do?

Peanuts might prove to be a choking hazard for little kitty, so if he's hacking and yacking onto the floorboards it might be worth giving him a rattle (the kitty Heimlich manoeuvre) or taking him to the vet.

If Cat has successfully swallowed the peanut, I don't think you have anything to worry about - except perhaps you shouldn't be taking your cat to the sports bar with you. In all seriousness, cats can eat peanuts quite happily (although they prefer Whiskers) and I do know a certain kitty who seems to adore licking peanut butter off the spoon and has very rarely died from it.

My Jaguar V12 is 'pinging'.

'Pinging' or 'knocking' is suggestive of early fuel ignition in your engine. It might be worth taking it to a mechanic to have your timing checked. Another solution would be to raise the octane of the petrol you're currently using - switching from regular unleaded (95 octane) to Super Unleaded (98 octane) might solve the problem. I have written about it here.

Get it fixed, though, because 'pinging' indicates damage is being done to your engine and those V12 jobbies are quite difficult to replace!

Am I allergic to Cheerios?

By Cheerios I take it you're referring to the breakfast cereal and not the traditional British farewell.

Cheerios are lightly toasted whole-grain oat cereal and generally don't come adorned with any sugar or anything like that. If you experience symptoms an allergic reaction after eating Cheerios, if might be due to a wheat allergy. My advice is to stop eating them.

I have a fear of being clean.

Ablutophobia is the fear of washing or bathing. Consult a psychiatrist or you will find your social circle shrinking VERY quickly.

Can I travel to Paris if I have a peanut allergy?

It depends. Did you intend to eat many peanuts there?

Joking aside, Paris is one of the most cosmopolitan and fantastic cities in the world and if you get a chance to go there - jump at it!

However, it's worth nothing that the French manage to eat pretty much everything - sometimes not even bothering to cook it - and remain thinner, healthier and less prone to allergies and obesity than the average Brit or American. Therefore, they don't have much patience for traditional Anglo/American 'food bullshit.'

Your requests for vegetarian, low-carb and organic produce might fall on deaf ears in a corner bistro. Peanut allergy is not as talked about or catered to as it is in America.

In general, however, you should be fine visiting Paris as long as you don't eat anything containing 'cachuetes' which is the French word for peanuts.

I have allergies set off by cats. What happens if I travel on an airplane with a cat on it?

Cats travelling in the cabins of an airplane are quite rare - most are stowed below with the baggage in a safe container.

However, if a cat is allowed into the cabin in a soft container, you might find your allergies acting up depending on the proximity to the feline in question.

Jane B., an allergy plagued contributor to Travel Talk, shares her experiences:

"I didn't realize the airlines let cats fly in the passenger cabin until I was on a full flight and thought I was coming down with a terrible cold. I was sneezing and blowing my nose so loudly that I started hearing meows under my seat. I am allergic to cats and I can tell you I was not at all happy when I discovered a cat under my seat."

I would recommend asking the stewardess at check in whether a cat is on board and how close it is to your seat. Although most of the air is recycled on an aircraft, it is filtered and therefore as long as you're a few seats away, you should be able to enjoy the flight without hassle.

If you do find yourself sitting close to a flying cat, make notes. You probably have a lawsuit to exploit (ah, America. The land of litigation.) This means that a few hours spent sniffling and sneezing (which will annoy your fellow passengers far more than a kitty ever could) might earn you free flights, upgrades to first class or (worst case scenario) a place of that Homeland Security 'Strip-Search at Every Opportunity' list.

Whatever happened to Knut, the Berlin Zoo bear?

Read my original story about him here!

Knut, the abandoned Polar Bear raised by a zoo-keeper at Berlin Zoo, is alive and well! Just over a month shy of his 1st birthday, the Animal Rights Activists have failed to 'liquidate' the bear like they threatened to and Berlin Zoo is enjoying a financial boom thanks to 'Knutmania,' which has spawned numerous toys, DVD's, books and television specials.

Who is Paul Burston's agent?

Paul Burston, novelist and gay editor of Time Out London, mentioned his agent in an interview I did with him a few months ago. Paul's represented by Sophie Hicks at Ed Victor. He speaks very highly of her as an agent and they seem to be an excellent match.

I'm not sure if she'd appreciate your unsolicited manuscript, however!

Simon James & Hill?

What kind of question is that?

Somebody is a fan of Simon James & Hill and has been checking for updates on Original 106's bad-boys fairly regularly.

Well, following Original 106's horrible RAJAR results in May of this year, the Simons have been shifted from Original's breakfast show to an evening slot at 7pm.

This has meant Pat Sissons and Danielle Perry have taken over the breakfast show and a damn fine job they're doing of it. I've worked with both Pat and Danielle before and I think they're a great duo, very talented and far more 'on target' for Original's audience than Simon James & Hill were. In Hampshire and the South Coast, the competition for breakfast listeners is very fierce and it's only going to get fiercer with Original's 'A' squad hitting the airwaves.

No disrespect intended towards Messieurs James & Hill.

In my original post on the subject I suggested that the two talented presenters were not suited to Original's breakfast audience. It didn't mean they weren't good (they have the Sony awards to prove it.) With their riotous antics and laddish humour, I think they'll fit in very nicely to the the evening slot just like they did when they ran TLRC's critically acclaimed evening network show.

Simon James took exception to my opinions at one point (he even called me a cock, the wee urchin) but I had never intended to insult him or his colleague. I was merely suggesting - and Original's presenter-shift seems to back my opinion up - that Simon James & hill are the boys you want to party long into the night with - and not have to wake up to the following morning!

Joking aside, I do wish Simon James & Hill the best in their new slot and will be watching the RAJAR figures with interest.

How is Harry Osborn disfigured in Spider-Man 3?

If you go to Blockbusters, you can rent the movie and find out for yourself.

Harry Osborn (played by James Franco) goes a little nuts in Spider-Man 3 and becomes the 'new' Green Goblin in order to seek vengeance against Spidey (who he blamed for killing his father, the original Green Goblin.)

He picked the wrong time to do it, since Spidey was going through a bad-ass phase thanks to an alien-symbiotic suit (Venom) that enhanced his abilities by unleashing his anger. Harry was thoroughly whipped by Spider-Man during their last confrontation and a 'pumpkin bomb' he desperately threw to turn the tables on the Webslinger was callously hurled back an instant before it exploded. The blast horribly mutilated the side of Harry's face.

Later, however, Harry and Spidey got over their differences and Spider-Man 3 ended happily (well, as happily as it can considering Harry got impaled by Venom and died in his friend's arms.)

The Spider-Man trilogy actually sticks pretty closely to the comic books, but the scene in which Harry gets disfigured never actually took place. In the comics, Harry goes mad and becomes the new Green goblin, as in the movies. However, it's the chemicals he ingested that finally kill him. He dies just as ruggedly handsome as he lived.

Who are WorldVoice-News-Experts?

Also known as WorldVoiceNews-Experts, these guys are a bunch of scam artists who send aspiring writers promising emails in order to 'phish' their personal details, which sets them up for identity theft and barrages of spam.

If you receive an email from them, click the 'spam' button. If you're really dedicated about making a go of your writing, you'll find a real gig sooner or later.

Well, that's it from 'Ask Militant Ginger' for this month.

I hope it's been interesting and educational. If you have a question for Militant Ginger, feel free to email it to me (via my profile, above) and I'll get around to it for the next time.

Original Sin

Original 106 spent a million pounds marketing their new radio station.

They had television adverts during Coronation Street. Huge billboards across Portsmouth and Southampton. The back of the buses proudly declared: "Original 106. For people that [sic] have got something going on upstairs."

They broadcast to a potential audience of over a million listeners. They have Sony award winners Simon James and Hill heading up their breakfast show. And they've been selling advertising with the warm, rich promise of 10% of Hampshire's radio market.

Today, on the day the Radio Audience Joint Research figures come out (telling people exactly who listens to what station) the boys at Original were brave enough to release this preemptive advert in the Southern Daily Echo and The Portsmouth News.

Yet when the figures came in, did they match Original's expectations?

Sadly not. Not by a long shot.

Compared to their rivals, Power FM, Ocean and Wave 105 - all of whom deliver almost 200 to 300 thousand listeners per week - Original sailed in with a disappointing 27,000 weekly listeners. Less even than Southampton's local football station, The Saint.

It was shocking. Made worse by the fact that their determined and able sales team had been out selling packages on the expectation of five times that market share. If the boys at Original 106 think they're disappointed by this showing, I imagine it's nothing to what their advertisers are feeling. They've been paying Wave 105 prices for Saint listening figures.

A while ago, I predicated the fate of Original 106. I even had a bit of banter with radio legend Simon James about it. You can read my predictions here.

I'd never expected anything quite like this!

I think it's down to a variety of factors. Their obscure track listing confuses and infuriates the listeners. Some of their presenters are sophomoric, whereas Simon James and Hill, the headliners of Original 106, are irreverent and unpredictable. Original 106 wanted to deliver something different - but the reason most commercial radio stations sound the same is because listeners don't want anything different.

They just want the music they love and as few commercials as possible, with none of that Smashy and Nicey crap (at least nobody could accuse Simon James & Hill of being cheesy.)

That being said, I don't think Original 106's poor showing can entirely be blamed on their slightly queer choice of output. As much as we in the radio industry love to boast about how much more accurate RAJAR figures are in comparison to press 'readership' (generated by multiplying sales by some arbitrary number) the truth is that neither method really gives a fair indication of who's tuning (or reading) in.

RAJAR diaries are complicated little buggers. Given that the average reader doesn't necessarily know who they're listening to at any given time (we had plenty of listeners at WinFM who rang in thinking they were tuned to Wave) it's pretty fair to say Original might have reached a lot more listeners than RAJAR claims they did.

Nobody knows for sure. And when it comes to calculating costs, none of the agencies are going to care. Original 106 is going to take a pretty big hit over these RAJAR figures, but at least they have one thought to sustain them as they struggle through the next few months.

The only way is up.

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In reference to their advert - from a starting point of 0 listeners, a gain of 27,000 DOES make Original 106 the fastest growing radio station in the south. It's very pedantic, but it doesn't make it a lie.