Bootleg Boys hits the Kindle

Adventure Eddy might not have had any new adventures recently (well, not that you've read of, anyway) but he's still alive and well.

In fact, everybody's favorite ginger recently hit the Kindle. You can pick up his second adventure, Bootleg Boys, for less than a dollar.

And here's the good news (or the bad, depending on your perspective.) The response has been so positive it looks like the next chapter in the long-overdue Adventure Eddy saga will be hitting the stands at an accelerated rate.

Thanks for your support!

Bootleg Boys by Roland Hulme is available for Kindle from Amazon.com

Bootleg Boys review

I was incredibly excited today - Adventure Eddy's epic jaunt Bootleg Boys got its first review on Amazon!


Okay, I'll admit the wonderful Ms. Moreno, who wrote the lovely review, won a copy of Bootleg Boys in one of my bloggy competitions (at least, I seem to remember she did - I was terribly late at sending her a copy!) but it's still very much appreciated; and hopefully at least partly earnest!

Amanda doesn't just have a name which rhymes with 'panda' - she also Eats, Shoots and Leaves (please tell me somebody got that - my first stab at Panda humor.)


If you're in the market, check out her editing website Shooting Panda.

Ask Militant Ginger

We haven't had an edition of 'Ask Militant Ginger' for a while - and this month we had some doozies of questions! So after an inexplicable absence, here is a question and answer session based on real-life questions that people have typed into search engines - and been taken to 'Militant Ginger' as a result. First off, two questions related to the same movie!

Does the guy smoke in 'He's Just Not That Into You?'

In the romantic comedy He's Just Not That Into You, Bradley Cooper plays a philandering husband married to obsessive-compulsive Jennifer Connelly. It's not his affair that upsets his wife, though - it's the suspicious that her husband is sneakily smoking behind her back (he promised to quit, because Connelly's father died from lung cancer.)

In the final moments of the movie, Connelly is lamenting losing her husband... Right up until the moment she finds a packet of smokes in his suit pocket. Enraged that he'd own up to his affair - but lie about smoking - causes her to finally kick the ungrateful lug out of her house.

So, gentle reader, the answer is yes. Bradley Cooper's character in He's Just Not That Into You is
sneakily smoking behind his wife's back - revealing just how immature and deceitful men can be about seemingly innocuous things.

What car does Ben Affleck's character drive in He's Just Not That Into You?

Bradley Cooper's best friend is played by Ben Affleck - a man with a fondness for 'boy toys.' In addition to his fifty-foot yacht, he has an utterly awesome 'woody' - a wood panelled car.

Thanks to an episode of Pimp My Ride I'd seen earlier that day, I was correctly able to identify Affleck's classic car as a Jeep Wagoneer - one of America's first 'sports utility vehicles.'

They were manufactured virtually unchanged from 1963 to 1993 - making it very difficult to identify the specific year Affleck's was. However, I found the actual car for sale on eBay and can confirm that it was an '87 model.


Why doesn't Socialism work?

This is a question I tackled here. Although I don't think socialism is remotely close to the scary, evil bugbear the conservatives nail it as - I don't think it works.

There are all sorts of reasons why socialism is sketchy, but the root cause behind all of them is 'human nature.' Humans don't want to live in a society in which we're all equal. Man is programmed to want more than his neighbor.

Personal gain is the major incentive to work harder. When a community takes the profits of its hardest workers and distributes them to 'equalize' compensation, it takes away the reason for that one worker to work so hard. He reduces productivity - and the entire community loses out as a result.

But while socialism makes for a crappy business model, but it's not entirely worthless. When it comes to vital infrastructure - like railways, postal services, schools and the like - state ownership often means more flexibility in operating an important public service. Even in so-called 'Capitalist' America, many institutions are state owned because they simply couldn't operate effectively as private industry (like the Postal Service.)

Why do Christians hate gays?

Christians shouldn't 'hate' anybody, but some of them do.

These are mainly the evangelicals and fundamentalists of America (who number 80 million, although that figure is rapidly dwindling.)

Those particular Christians are hypocrites. In the words of Randall Terry, an outspoken Christian activist:

"Let a wave of intolerance wash over you. I want you to let a wave of hatred wash over you. Yes, hate is good...."

He was talking about people who voted for Clinton - but a more common target for evangelical Christian ire are 'homosexuals.' Gay people are blamed for just about everything - including 9/11. To quote Jerry Falwell, the leader of the Evangelical movement (who last year hosted the presidential debate between McCain and Obama in his 'megachurch'):

"The gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make homosexuality an alternative lifestyle -- I point the finger in their face and say "you helped this [9/11] happen.""

Those right-wing Christians claim that homosexuality is wrong because the Bible says so. The Bible also says that eating shellfish and wearing cotton is wrong, but these Christians pick and choose which bits they want to listen to (because if they had to adhere to the whole thing, life wouldn't be much fun at all!)

The Biblical debate is a big one. I've written extensively about it here. In short, though, it boils down to whether or not you think modern society's rules and standards should be regulated by a 2,000 year old piece of corporate propaganda.

Some Christians are unable to remove the Bible from their moral equation - and are therefore unable to judge something based on anything other than their own blinkered standards. Those evangelical Christians 'hate' gays because they believe the Bible told them to. If the Bible told them all to jump off a cliff, presumably they'd do that, too (we can only wish.)

But not all Christians are as limited as these ones. For example, Mummy Militant and I attend a church which welcomes gay people, and even has a few same-sex couples in the congregation. This is because some Christians are evolved, and have realized that Christ's message of love is more important that some fine-print minutia condemning homosexuality.

Why do pirates wear eye patches?

When I was a kid, I got told that pirates wore eye-patches because splinters or swords had popped their peeper out (much the same reason for the prerequisite wooden legs and hooks on their hands.) In actual fact, though, even biopic (i.e. two-eyed) pirates never went into battle without an eye-patch.

This is because the ocean could be a very bright place. On deck, the sun beat down mercilessly. Once you went below deck, however, the bowels of a pirate ships were dark and dim (pirates roamed the seas before electricity was invented.)

It takes up to thirty seconds for your eyes to adjust from bright light to near-dark - so when a raiding pirate stormed below decks, he'd be literally blinded until his eyes adjusted to the dark. That's why they took to wearing eye-patches.

Before the battle, a pirate would don his patch and one eye would adjust to the gloom. The other he'd use normally, and would be all squinty in the sunlight. After battling the enemy on deck, our raiding buccaneer could jump into the gloom below decks and lift his eye-patch - revealing his pre-adjusted eye and having instantaneous vision even in the gloom of the galley.

It's a neat trick - and one that's still used today. My father taught me a trick he used on guard duty with the RAF. Stand with one eye scrunched shut, so if the enemy cut the lights, you'll still have some pre-adjusted night vision and be able to react much faster than waiting for both peepers to adjust to the blackout.

What does Quantum of Solace mean?

'Quantum of Solace' was a fantastic short story from the James Bond anthology 'For Your Eyes Only.' It hardly features Bond - and was more about the story of two young lovers and their doomed love affair.

In it, Ian Fleming coined the term 'Quantum of Solace' to describe the smallest smidgen of love or respect that keeps somebody in a relationship. 'Quantum' is the smallest amount measurable by man. 'Solace' comes from the Latin word for consolation or comfort.

It's generally the 'Quantum of Solace' that keeps somebody in a bad relationship. If a boyfriend ignores his girlfriend, goes out with the boys without her or cheats on her, she might want to leave him - but when he does that one thoughtful thing - like making a mix-tape of 'their' songs or something equally inconsequential - it reminds her of 'why she fell in love with him' and the whole vicious cycle starts all over again.

But, more than that, the 'Quantum of Solace' is that essential spark which keeps love alive. As long as there's that 'Quantum,' a relationship can exist. When it's extinguished (by, perhaps, one thoughtless act too many) love can never be rekindled.

"The Governor had presented Bond with a theory concerning love, betrayal and cruelty between marriage partners. Calling it the 'quantum of solace,' the governor believed that the amount of comfort on which love and friendship is based could be measured. Unless there is a certain degree of humanity existing between two people, he maintained, there can be no love. It was an adage Bond had accepted as a universal truth."

High Time to Kill, Raymond Benson

How do I start writing adventure stories?

It's easy! Pick up a pen and get scribbling!

As readers of Militant Ginger will know, I love old-fashioned adventure stories. In fact, a constant thread throughout my life has been my efforts to get 'Adventure Eddy' into print.

While I haven't been altogether successful, my years of writing have taught me A LOT about penning adventure stories - specifically:

• You've got to grip the reader from the first paragraph - like in the Adventure Eddy story 'Science Lesson,' in which he opens a package somebody mailed him and finds a deadly fat-tailed scorpion inside!
• You need to have an unanswered question which keeps the reader motivated to continue reading - like just who sent Adventure Eddy that deadly scorpion!
• The characters must have good motivation for doing what they're doing. Characters drive a story forward, not plot. Give the characters believable motivation (like revenge, or a need to clear their name) and it'll make the whole unlikely scenario believable.
• Instill a sense of urgency! Time limits, or being chased by bad guys or police, give characters that extra bit of motivation to do dangerous things, and take risks they might not normally.
• Set up a few action set pieces - There are moments in a book that you'll remember forever - like James Bond's escape down the mountainside in On Her Majesty's Secret Service. Think of some really thrilling, really dangerous obstacles to overcome and it'll rack up the sense of peril.
• Put your characters in real danger - In Live and Let Die, James Bond's eponymous best friend Felix Leiter was mauled by a shark - a trick Fleming used to let his readers know that the dangers Bond faced were real, and there was no guarantee that even 007 would make it to the end of the book.
• Have a twist in the tail! The hardest trick is to throw a satisfying denoument into the mix. At the climax of the book, you've got to turn things around in such a way to blow the reader out of the water - and leave them breathless, yet satisfied. A good example is in the climax of Hugh Laurie's book 'The Gun Seller.' I won't spoil it, but it's a cracker and involves an exploding helicopter.

Do Nephilim die from copper shotgun rounds?

This is probably the oddest question I've ever been asked - linking back to my synopsis for a story called 'The God Squad.'

In it, a band of Vatican-approved 'monster hunters' would face off against an evil Nephilim - one of the half-angel, half-human creatures God had attempted to wipe out with 'The Great Flood.'

As far as I know, Nephilim are not noted for having any specific vulnerability to copper, so I'm not sure what significance that would make - but that wouldn't stop my band of morally ambiguous monster hunters riddling him with shotgun shells, if they thought that would get the job done!

Competition Winner!

Last month, I ran two competitions for a chance to win a signed copy of Adventure Eddy's 'Bootleg Boys.' And we have a winner!

Paisley Penguin got picked from a hat (actually, it was a coffee mug) and will be getting a copy of Bootleg Boys winged over to her as soon as I get her address!

This was fun. Maybe in the new year, I'll have more competitions (and offer prizes that are a little more exciting than a book written by me.)

Well done, Paisley!

And, of course, if you're so inclined, you can get your own copy of Bootleg Boys by following one of the incessant hot links I have littered this post with!

Bootleg Boys

by Roland Hulme

When it comes to doing business with bootleggers, Adventure Eddy soon discovers that breaking deals comes as naturally to them as breaking import regulations.

So when unscrupulous smuggler Joe Jenkins stiffs him as badly as he’s stiffed Customs & Excise, Eddy decides it’s time to take back what he’s owed.

But swindling a swindler isn’t as simple as it sounds – and the local police are getting increasingly suspicious.

Teaming up with a murderous ex-girlfriend, a scheming stripper and an underhanded attorney, Adventure Eddy embarks on his most ambitious exploit to date.

It’ll take daredevil driving, split-second timing and nerves of steel – but at the end of the day, that’s what being one of the Bootleg Boys is all about.

NaGeMyNoPuMo...

November is nearly upon as - and for many aspiring writers, that's the time for NaNoWriMo - the National Novel Writing Month.

I've been a participant for two years - getting a score the first year (with the Bootleg Boys) and then flunking out last time.

I have to admit, I'm not so sure about it this time around.

For a start, I've written 50,000 words this month on my as-yet-unfinished sexy-spy-extravaganza that contains so much sex and violence and dodgy one-liners that I would never let friends or relatives read it.

I'm not even finished with that one yet, and I'm expected to write another?

But I'm also aware that I need to do something... I've actually written a novel, Bootleg Boys, and have been so scared of rejection that I haven't even sent it off to a publisher - despite the fact that it's a million times better than Adventure Eddy and my one reviewer said he 'loved it' (apart from occasional rampant cheesiness.)

So this month, I'm starting National Getting My Novel Published Month.

I am going to get my manuscript in order and shop it to agents, to see if I can turn my Adventure Eddy dream into a reality.

And in the meantime?

Maybe I'll NaNoWriMo... If I have time... If work, wife, baby and (most importantly) inspiration let me.

Adventure Eddy in Paris...

After finishing Bootleg Boys last year, I became acutely aware that my first full-length Adventure Eddy novel (set in Paris) was simply not up to scratch.

So in amongst my other myriad writing projects, I added the task of rewriting Adventure Eddy (which got to about the 10,000 word mark and then sat, simmering on the back burner.)

Today I peered at my rewrite and saw a lot of good stuff there - but also realised the amount of time, effort and sweat that would need to go into reworking it into something approaching the same questionable quality of the Bootleg Boys.

I decided to just forget it, leave the flawed novel as-is and move onto new and exciting projects.

It's rather sad, since I could really enjoy getting back into a rip-roaring adventure in Paris, making the plot a bit more complex (and the bad guy not so transparent) and improving on the rest of it. The unrequited love story and the big red car would be a lot of fun to revisit (especially since I now own Adventure Eddy's gigantic Firebird.)

But maybe some other time. Right now, I have other fish to fry (or, more exactly, books to write.)

So farewell, Adventure Eddy. In the mean time, I will leave you with the opening page of my rewrite - aimed at grabbing people's attention from the start.

The Wonders of Webcomics

The Internet has changed the way we enjoy our morning periodicals.

Over in France, for example, my father reads The Telegraph online (for free) instead of have to pay five euros for a two day old copy TGV'd down from Paris.

Likewise, I'll get my 'morning funnies' via the web, rather than reading them in The New York Post.

But in addition to easing access to the news and comics we crave, the Internet offers an increased choice, too. So instead of having to enjoy a nationally syndicated Garfield or Doonsebury strip (two of the most popular comic strips reprinted in papers across the world) we can access much less popular choices with just as much ease.

Imagine... No censored strips when Doonsebury creator Gary Trudeau gets a bit too politically racy for the national broadsheets (like in 2005, when pressure from right wing groups got his strip moved from the 'funnies' section to 'editorial.')

Comics on the web are raw, uncensored and just as funny as the officially sanctioned, syndicated, 'sold out' ones (like Jim Davis' Garfield - who once, for example, used the same punchline for an entire week's worth of strips.)

As far as I'm concerned, there are four comic strips that I read every morning (taking me a combined total of about four minutes.)

Sluggy Freelance, Something Positive, Least I Could Do and Sore Thumbs.

There are many, many other 'web comics' out there, but I think keeping up with four of them taxes the maximum amount of brain cells. These are the best, as far as I'm concerned.

Top of the list is Sluggy Freelance.

Is it not Nifty?

This is a sci-fi webcomic written and drawn by Pete Abrams. First hitting the 'net in 1997, it's the episodic adventures of mild-mannered web designer Torg and his best friend, shadowy inventor Riff.

Over the course of the decade Pete has dedicated to the comic, both his storytelling and artistic skills have developed noticeably - transforming the strip from a cheeky series of broad parodies to an incredibly deep, complex sci-fi epic featuring a broad range of colourful characters.

Pete is good, end of story. Although it's difficult to just 'dip into' his massive archive of comics, once you've got into the complex and twisting adventures his characters go through, it's difficult to disentangle yourself.

Pete's comic is remarkable for several reasons. Firstly, just how entertaining it is. Every day, he produces a new strip that is complete and amusing in and of itself. Insert that strip into the complex and evolving stories he creates, the humour (which is always present) takes a back seat and the thrilling adventures of Torg, Riff and friends become the major focus. It's very easy to get invested in the lives of these lovable characters.

Pete keeps things constantly fresh. Unlike most comics, he's never afraid to change things around completely - permanently killing off characters, or changing the established status quo. The fact that nothing is sacred - and every one of his characters is vulnerable - makes their adventures a lot more thrilling.

He's also willing to take the comic in a completely random direction from time to time - like ignoring Torg and Riff for six months while he presented an exceptional sci-fi adventure following supporting character Bun Bun on a cross-dimensional adventure in the 'seas of time.'

But the number one reason why Pete Abrams is so remarkable is that his comic pays. Through his regular updates, superior storytelling and sheer enthusiasm, he has created such an loyal audience for Sluggy Freelance that he can run the comic (and associated merchandising enterprises) as his full time job.

Now that's talent.

Something Positive

Although Sluggy Freelance is the webcomic I enjoy the most, my favourite one has to be Something Positive. It's an unashamedly autobiographical webcomic by Boston based actor, writer and artist R. K. Milholland.

Started at the end of 2001, Something Positive follows the day-to-day life of Daven MacIntire and his friends. Daven is clearly based on Milholland himself - and the author has explained how most of the cast of Something Positive are based on people he knows and experiences they've had.

It's a complete departure from Sluggy Freelance, being largely character-driven and featuring very understated and convoluted plots. All of the main characters in Something Positive are flawed, but lovable. Daven himself is a cynical, bitter young man - but intensely loyal to his friends and in possession of a very clear sense of right and wrong. His best friends Aubrey and PJ are likewise slightly twisted - one being a vengeful psychopath and the other endlessly lusting after the wrong (often homosexual) men.

But with R.K. Milholland's cast, flaws are strengths and the fact that his characters are clearly far from perfect makes them even easier to engage with.

Just because it's a character-driven comic, that doesn't mean it's not absurd. Crazy plot twists and a thin line between reality and farce make the situations Daven and his friends encounter wonderfully absurd. One minute, Daven can be worrying about his hairless, boneless cat getting flushed down the plughole (and winding up in a 'crossover' with other famous webcomic Queen of Wands) and the next, the laughs get shelved when his lead character is faced by the poignant and unsettling news that his father has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

It never pulls any punches and it's always full of surprises, which is why I think Something Positive is a truly exceptional webcomic.

Least I Could Do

On the other end of the 'largely autobiographical' scale is the webcomic of Ryan Sohmer.


Least I Could Do follows the adventures of gregarious Rayne Summers, who is clearly modelled after the author. Unlike R.K. Milholland's main character, however (who is just as flawed as the author - if not more so) Rayne seems to be a gloriously idealised paragon of masculinity, which makes the whole autobiographical aspect seem slightly narcissistic.

But considering I write the adventures of a modern-day Saint who shares an uncomfortable number of characteristics with myself, I should be the last person to criticise Mr Sohmers!

Rayne Summers is a lovable, geeky young man who just happens to have rippling abs and is totally irresistible to women. He has a fluffy upper management job in an enormous multinational company, which means he enjoys an enormous paycheque and office without having to do any work.

Throw in his ability to escape unscathed despite all sorts of negligent and criminal behavior and you've basically got a comic dedicated to Ryan Sohmer's wish fulfillment.

In theory - although it's actually a lot, lot better than that.

Least I Could Do is a hugely entertaining romp which is presented in an incredibly slick, professional style. Out of all the webcomics I've mentioned, Least I Could Do looks the best - by an astonishing margin. The drawing is simply unparalleled. The sort of thing you'd happily pay money for in a bande dessinee shop.

This is because, right from the very beginning, Ryan Sohmer approached running a webcomic like a business. While Sluggy Freelance and Something Positive have seen their artistic merits grow and develop over the years, Ryan Sohmer started off by using a professional artist to 'draw' his webcomic while he concentrated on the writing.

Which is why it's consistently hilarious, looks fantastic and is updated without fail six days a week. No other webcomic can match the slickness of the Least I Could Do operation.

Sohmer's style means that the appearance of Least I Could Do has changed dramatically since it was launched in 2003. Originally, Trevor Adams drew the comic, in a brisk, cartoony way that presented Sohmer's writing in a serviceable manner. Adams was replaced by Chad Porter, who developed the style into something slightly more complex and presentable. In August 2005, Lar deSouza took over drawing duties and he's responsible for the high quality art we enjoy today.

During that time, the characters grew and developed as well - and in his defence, I think Ryan Sohmer's portrayal of Rayne moved away from a wish-fulfillment 'Mary Sue' to an independent character who existed on his own merits (much like I hope Adventure Eddy has done.) Ryan does make still appearances in the comic - as Rayne's slick, handsome older brother Eric. however it's much more character driven than it was before and Rayne Summers often takes extended absences from the driving seat to give the other cast members an opportunity to shine.

Right now, I believe Ryan Sohmers and Lar deSouza are attempting to get a Least I Could Do cartoon show off the ground. I wish them the best of luck with that - I think it would translate to television brilliantly.

Sore Thumbs

Last, but not least, comes Sore Thumbs.

Sore Thumbs is completely different from all of the other comics I've mentioned. Written by Chris Crosby and illustrated by Owen Gieni, 'Thumbs is a totally absurd Manga style comic with broad political overtones.

It follows the adventures of ultra-liberal Cecenia (a busty babe with ambitions in television hosting) and her super-conservative brother Fairbanks (who fantasizes about playing video games with George Bush Jnr... in the nude!)

Together, they run video game store 'Sore Thumbs' - which inexplicably takes them across the world, interacting with world leaders, despicable terrorists, Hollywood actors and miniature polar bears.

It's all deliciously silly - and takes regular swipes at politics and popular culture. It also looks amazing - Owen Gieni's drawing talents perfectly mimic the Japanese 'manga' style.

Because it's so silly and 'out there' - plus the fact that it's only updated three times a week (on account of the high art quality and full-page content every update) - it's not as easy to 'get into' Sore Thumbs as the other comics I've mentioned. However it's the first port of call if you want a quick, irreverent comedy hit or an instant spoof on a topical hot potato.

Web Comics

What impresses me about all the guys behind these webcomics is their dedication. Just the simple process of updating a blog every day is beyond most of us. The thought of producing a high-quality comic that's part of a complex story arc seven days a week astonishes me.

Sure, successful web comic gurus like Peter Abrams and R.K. Milholland can make a living off their work - but for what they earn, you can tell that it's really a labour of love that keeps them scribbling.

It's an enormous amount of talent, hard work and discipline that goes into producing these amazing webcomics - so even though I dedicate mere seconds to enjoying them each morning, I hope the authors know how much their hard work is appreciated.

Please visit the following:

Sluggy Freelance
Something Positive
Least I Could Do
Sore Thumbs

Nanowrimo Failure

In a kind of literary suicide pact with fellow Nanowrimoer Jodiferous, I have decided to throw in the towel to 2007's Nanowrimo challenge. The spirit was willing, but the imagination was weak.

I flunked. I failed. My Nanowrimo attempt ended like English ambitions in a football World Cup - an embarrassing disappointment.

I think the largest hurdle in my path to 50,000 words was a plan.

I am a stickler for plotting out each of my novels, chapter by chapter. This time around, I had been so wound up with a publishing project that I never even thought about what I intended to write until a few days before the kick off date.

I leapt headfirst into The God Squad - but in less than 10,000 words, the lack of planning led my team of intrepid monster hunters into a gloomy morgue and no off-the-cuff plotting promised to lead them back out again.

Good story. Good idea. It just needed a plot and planning.

So The God Squad lurked in the shadows and I moved onto Plan B.

By this stage, I'd already wasted 12 days of Nanowrimo, so I would have to double my word count to even approach completion. So in the absence of an original idea, I yanked Adventure Eddy out of vacation and threw him into a radio-based adventure I'd been musing about for a while.

One Saturday, I hammered out 10,000 words of that story... And hit a dead end.

It was a nice little story, but needed to be plotted and planned. Adventure Eddy came to a dead end sitting in a studio at WinFM during Mia Saxon's mid-morning show.

[Mia Saxon's back?? And she's a radio presenter?? - Editorial Bear.]

So we'd blown the half way point by now and things were looking grim. Despite having typed a total of 20,000 words in two unrelated stories, I was now left with a word count of zero.

I tried my hand at one last project - something I'd been musing about for a while.

Basically, it was a fictional autobiography of Auric Goldfinger - the bad guy in Ian Fleming's 1959 book Goldfinger.

As much as I love his books, Ian Fleming was a pompous ass - and worse than that, the first three Caucasian bad-guys he invented (Le Chiffre, Hugo Drax and Goldfinger) were all redheads!

Since the popularity of The Moneypenny Diaries (the so called 'real' diaries of Bond's secretary) I figured maybe it was time for a different perspective on Bond's most enduring nemesis. So I started a little story following Goldfinger's arrest and incarceration after his failed attempt to rob Fort Knox.

I claimed his 'death' was staged by the British government so they could interrogate him and reclaim the billions of pounds worth of gold bullion he'd smuggled out of Britain.

It was fun - but difficult. Fleming's incontrovertible 'facts' in Goldfinger made a reinvention of the character kind of difficult and once I'd dug into his back story - which featured an upbringing in war-torn Latvia and a stint spent in Korea - I realised I wouldn't be able to right this story without several history books and - you guessed it - some concrete planning regarding plot.

So my third effort came to naught as well.

A grand total of 20,124 words written - and none of it worth printing on anything other than toilet tissue.

So since I'd made three stabs at Nanowrimo, I figured Goldfinger's mantra was worth observing. To paraphrase - first time is Happenstance. Second is Coincidence. Third time is Enemy Action.

I'd observe the warnings and surrender my Nanowrimo ambitions.

So what's the next step?

Well, I need to get my head together and start thinking about what it is I want to write, what I hope to achieve with my writing and how best to accomplish that. If the least few years have taught me anything, it's that the ability to sit down and write a 50,000 word story is just one of the many talents required to make it in writing.

I need a plan. I need focus. Otherwise I'll be like countless aspiring writers and scribble away, never really spending the valuable time required to find out what it is publishers or readers are looking for.

Watch this space...

Until then, some excepts from my stories:

The God Squad

They pinned the struggling girl to the gurney, straining as the tiny, slim woman threatened to throw them aside with her flailing limbs.

“Damn, she’s strong!” Mike was laughing hysterically. “I thought she was dead a minute ago and now…”

Thump!

The girl’s flailing arm struck him straight in the nose, knocking the grizzled man to the floor. His nose started bleeding profusely.

“Hold her down!” Doctor Lang ordered, but she realized it was useless. The girl who’d lain there like a corpse a few minutes ago was now fighting with horrific strength.

And screaming. All the while screaming and spitting blood.

Radio Daze (featuring Adventure Eddy)

“Hello,” Eddy crammed his muddled paperwork back into it’s folder. “What are you doing here?”

“Dur!” Mia rolled her eyes. “There’s a bloody great fire going on. I’m a reporter. What do you think I’m doing?”

“Oh,” Eddy realized she was holding a microphone and a tiny bit of kit he’d later learn was a minidisk recorder.

Mia ignored him, heading towards the crowd.

“Oh, this is great,” she complained. “I’m never going to get through that lot.”

Eddy stood there dumbly, his papers clutched to his chest.

“Where exactly do you want to go?”

“Where do you think?” Mia wheel around. “Look at those flames! Look at all the action! I need to get over there. I want to chat to the firemen. I want to interview the owner. I want to record the crackling flames on this thing,” she held up the minidisk recorder, “because it’ll make great radio.”

“Well,” Eddy beamed mischievously. “I think I could get you over there.”

Mia Saxon blinked.

“Really?”

“Piece of cake.”

The Goldfinger Chronicles

For twelve weeks now, their routine has been the same.
Captain Northrup enters my cell at nine o’clock.

I am taken to an interrogation room, where I am ‘persuaded’ to release information regarding the whereabouts of my global bullion deposits.

Account numbers. Vault holdings. Anything in order to procure my wealth for their bankrupt little government.

I will tell them nothing.

And until now, their attempts to extract information have been largely unimaginative.
For the first few weeks, it was just talk.

Talk. Questions. Threats.

So much talk that hearing Northrup’s pinched accent bark on could have itself been considered torture.

I told them nothing.

Talk is cheap. Silence is golden.

And gold has always been my obsession

Maybe one of these days, I'll dig one of these stories out and have another crack at it. But until then, it's time to take a break and get my head together.

Insert Random Aliteration Featuring the word 'Bootleg' Here

To mark the finish of the epic Bootleg Boys (the writing of it was epic - the book's not) I have decided to produce a brief Frequently Asked Questions fact sheet.

What exactly is the Bootleg Boys?

It's an adventure story! Or crime/adventure. Or something like that.

What's it all about, Alfie?

Did you know 250 lorries and vans cross the English channel every single day STUFFED with bootlegged beer, wine, spirits and cigarettes?

With taxes on beer, for example, being just one SEVENTH in France of what they are in England, there's a lot of money to be made smuggling it - and a lot of unscrupulous types trying to make a profit!

So that's the setting. Big lorries. Bootleg Beer and some unscrupulous types. But unlike previous stories, it's not Eddy who gets on the wrong side of one of these unscrupulous types this time around. They get on the wrong side of Eddy.

What follows is something VERY ROUGHLY like The Italian Job, except with beer instead of gold bricks.

Okay, okay. Adventure Eddy's been to Paris, New York, Germany and Cornwall. Where exactly does THIS story fit in with whatever 'Eddy' continuity there is?

Nice and simply. It's set straight after the last book, Adventure Eddy.

If you're into comic books, you'll have heard of the term 'reboot.' It's a bit like what EON films did in that last Bond movie, Casino Royale. You 're imagine' the origins of favourite characters.

That's what I did with Adventure Eddy - going right back to square one and explaining who Eddy was and how he earned the title Adventure Eddy. Bootleg Boys follows straight on from that - although it's a stand alone book and you don't need to have read 'Adventure Eddy' to understand it.

Wait a second! I thought Eddy lived in Oxford, not Winchester!

Eddy's been adventuring for almost fifteen years now! He's 'lived' in London, Plymouth, Tavistock AND Oxford. But in the reboot, he's moved to Winchester.

And who's Pranay Raj? Whatever happened to Angus Connelly?

Angus was Eddy's oldest and most loyal friend. He was also the dullest, dreariest character in the series. Eddy needs somebody to bounce ideas off, but who said that person can't have his own personality too? Streetwise, unscrupulous Pranay walked right onto the page, fully formed, and quickly booted Angus out of the picture. It's a bit like how Mary Jane Watson pushed Gwen Stacy CLEAN out of the picture in the old Spiderman comic books (no surprise, really. Mary Jane was a ginger and they always come out on top.)

Woah, woah, woah! In Adventure Eddy, his stonking great Firebird is clearly described as having 'pop up headlights' and a five litre engine. Now, suddenly, it's got a 6.6 litre and a four in the floor. How do you explain that?

Ian Fleming used to do it all the time. James Bond's beautiful Bentley would be one car in one book and morph mysteriously into another in the second.

It's a bit like how Felix Leiter, who had his arm and leg chewed off by a shark in Live and Let Die, magically regrew one limb per book and by the time The Man With The Golden Gun wheeled around, his only handicap was a hook for a hand.

It's called creative expression or something. 'Ret-conning,' as the comic masters have titled the phenomenon.

But yes, well spotted. Eddy's Firebird magically and mysteriously changes from a 'Knight Rider' style third-generation Pontiac Firebird into a 'Smokey and the Bandit' style second-generation Firebird during the gap between Adventure Eddy and Bootleg Boys.

But hang on! It still has a 'perspex book lid' and Pranay still refers to it as 'Knight Rider.' What gives?

Well, I know the car has morphed. You know the car has morphed. But nobody told the car.

So are you advocating skirting Britain's tough Customs and Excise regulations via Eddy's activities in Bootleg Boys?

No! not at all! In fact, read the book and you might just see it all as a twisted morality tale in which everybody gets their just deserts.

Will there be sex and violence?

Not really. My parents read might read it! But there's plenty of romance, a bloodthirsty quest for vengeance and enough perilous situations for even Eddy to get nervous.

And where can I read it?

Publication date is set for November 1st! Barring, of course, sudden and horrific realisation that it's crap. I'll even post a link when the time comes!

Bootlegged

Well, somehow or other, I managed to finish The Bootleg Boys.

It was the story I started during last year's Nanowrimo and I'd only got a few more thousand words needed to wrap it up - so I do so. In the end, however, it was like squeezing blood from a stone.

The 'hard' part, which is the climax of the bootlegging plot, actually came quite easily. The words flowed and I even came up with a neat little flourish I hadn't seen coming. But then the 'easy' bits? The wrap up chapters that deal with the inevitable aftermath of Eddy's exploits?

Every single word was a struggle.

But I kept on plugging along until I finished the story.

But instead of the triumphant little buzz I get when I finished writing something, I felt a bit flat. Like it wasn't right. I was unsatisfied with the way things wrapped up.

The only answer to this, of course, is to go back and reread the whole thing and see if the ending 'works' or not. But at the moment, with my head swimming with the characters and adventures I've just written about, I'm a little too invested.

It's very frustrating.

Tempus Fugit

"To fill the hour - that is happiness." Ralph Waldo Emerson

It's a horrible feeling when you realise your limitations.

Youth is filled with ambition. To be rich. To be famous. To achieve amazing things. Sooner or later, though, youth is somewhat tempered by experience.

We realise that dreams of glory might be beyond our grasp. For every person who is famous - known and loved by many - there are thousands who are famous only to those who already know and love them.

We can't all be film stars or singers or presidents and prime ministers.

We can't even all be best selling novelists!

Sooner or later, you get to a point in life in which you realise that jumping for the stars has left you slightly winded - and still no closer to reaching them.

Like a dog chasing it's tail, ambition can fill you momentarily with energy and purpose - but ultimately it doesn't lead you anywhere.

This is something I've grown acutely aware of - especially when it comes to Adventure Eddy.

I've been writing adventure stories for well over a decade now. As I grow older - and the stories grow richer and better written - I realise that Adventure Eddy's exploits may never hit the bookshelves of Waterstones like I once envisaged they would.

There's the horrific possibility that my writing legacy might be confined to marketing copy and pompous articles on the Internet. I'll never be a bestselling writer!

So what is there to do?

What is a writer if nobody reads what he has written?

Well, I've been very lucky. Friends of mine - and friends of friends of mine - have chosen to read Adventure Eddy. For all the book's current limitations, it's incredibly empowering to know you've shared this make-believe world with somebody.

The question is: Is it worth writing these stories if they'll never be published?

Part of me thinks that it is.

People have hobbies, don't they? They paint, or draw, or do jigsaws and crosswords. Maybe I should consider writing more like that. Something rewarding and worthwhile for it's own reasons - for what it means to me - rather than for what I hope it will achieve.

With the wonders of things like Lulu, it's entirely possible for me to fill a bookshelf with beautifully printed copies of Adventure Eddy's exploits. Even if nobody ever reads them, they'll be there, preserved for as long as the paper lasts and the glue keeps the pages bound.

Maybe I could print a copy and leave it on a bench or a bus, after signing it up to Bookcrossings. With the wonders of the Internet, people who find and read an abandoned book can 'report' picking it up and let the original owner know where it's gone and who's enjoyed it.

Ultimately, isn't it as rewarding for one person to read your book and enjoy it as a hundred? Or a million?

I've very little basis for comparison!

What I do have is a dozen stories tangled up inside my head. I have now come to accept that I might never make my fortune as a novelist - but I would still like to commit these stories to paper. The very act of writing and expressing emotions and memories is rewarding in and of itself. It's like therapy - or more accurately like medieval 'bleeding.' Pouring the thoughts out of your head before they turn stagnant!

I should do it. I should just write for the hell of it. So no crosswords for me. No sudoku. No more sitting in front of whatever crap it is on TV (although I'll make exceptions for The Colbert Report, House and Dr Who.) Just as Tina has her cross stitch and father has his painting, I will embrace my passion without the limitations of ambition.

At least I know I can write. I mean, that's what I do for a living. I get paid for my ability with words. So if my writing career has never taken off, it's not because I'm a bad writer.

And maybe, if I write only for myself instead of trying to appeal to an audience, my books will be interesting - or at least more personal.

It's quite liberating, really.

Here are some stories I want to write:

Bootleg Boys - the Adventure Eddy story about bootlegged beer is nearly finished! I want to write the rest of it so badly!

God Squad - it's like 'Torchwood' - except instead of aliens, my high-tech troubleshooting team deal with 'extra-Biblical cryptozoological entities' like unicorns, vampires and dragons. Oh, and most of them are heavily armed priests. It's basically fantasy/horror/sci-fi comedy for the Di Vinci Code generation.

The Price of Freedom - based on a 'Movies' plot I wrote, it's the story of a British national arrested for 'terrorism' by a corrupt sheriff in the middle of Pennsylvania. The embassy troubleshooter known as 'British Bulldog' must take charge of this 'captive' and get to the bottom of the trumped-up charges. It's basically a western set east of the Mississippi with an interesting take on the whole War on Terror thing.

Kidd Rockson - a crime novel. When a promising African-American student is gunned down by the county police for packing a gun, most people dismiss it as an unfortunate gang-related incident. But even though the cops have been exonerated, the student's girlfriend claims his death was murder. The only man desperate enough to believe her is down-on-his luck private detective Kidd Rockson.

Ginger Jihad - this one will be fun. It's 2046 and Europe is aflame. Fundamentalist Muslims and the Russian army have painted the map red. Fortress America has long abandoned it's foreign adventures in Europe and the middle east, so only Britain stands and - from the look of the besieged island - not for long. Then American astronauts discover an amazing thing. The perfectly preserved body of 1950's test pilot 'Big Ginger' orbiting the earth. This WWII vet is thawed out by the desperate British government. Can a pip-pip, tally-ho fighter pilot really be Britain's last and only hope?

Captain Albion - the world's first superhero is from England! This mysterious crime-fighter has the tabloids in a storm and Britain swept up in a wave of patriotism. But when the superhero's actions clash with the British government's plans, the Prime Minister sets out to deal with this uncooperative menace. Meanwhile, an ambitious young reporter searches to uncover the 'real' identity of Captain Albion herself. The explosive climax features America's own 'nuclear powered' superhero arriving to confront Britain's finest.

The Wedding Story / Black Dog - two previously finished adventure Eddy stories need to be 'retconned' to match Eddy's slightly altered origins.

Operation Mycroft - whatever DID happen to Adventure Eddy's missing brother? When Mi5 and the CIA start demanding answers, Eddy sets out to find out. A good old fashioned adventure story with car chases, romance, beautiful women, a villainous villain and it's all set in France which is AWESOME.

The Widow of Winchester - Winchester's new mayor is making sweeping changes. Are his twenty-first century ambitions linked to a mysterious gang of 'vampires' who are chasing out his political and financial rivals? Adventure Eddy sets out to prove that there are 'no such things as vampires.'

The Silver Relic - I've already written this one about five times. But this time it'll have one of those things.... oh, what's it called? That's it! A plot! Anyway. It's a story about one of those old Mercedes Benz Silver Arrow racing cars and the murderous lengths unscrupulous people will go to get one. Amazingly, it's (very, very loosely) based on a true story!

The Island Affair - finally - FINALLY - the story about how Adventure Eddy wound up on Tresco and what he did there. Expect high adventure on the high seas, a devious criminal mastermind and a bit with a dog. And unlike Adventure Eddy, there really WILL be a bit with a dog in this one. The dog is called Fido.

Adventure Eddy in New York - Sooner or later, it had to happen. Is Eddy's ambition to 'clean up' the city going to get him killed? Oh, what fun this story will be. Beautiful women. Deadly bad guys. All the sights, sounds, smells of New York city sandwiched in an adventure story. I can't wait!

Yes, as you can see, I have a lot of work ahead of me. SO MANY stories to write. Now I just need to sit my arse down and actually do it.

Well, the winter months are coming up. Now is as good a time to start as any.

And whatever you think of my silly writing ambitions - even you have to admit it's more productive than a jigsaw.

Stop the World - I need to pee!

"Just as you began to feel that you could make good use of time, there was no time left to you." Lisa Alther.

The teetering brink of autumn constantly reminds me that time is screeching past.


It was around this time last year that I first returned to America, to a wonderful week spent with Tina's family. That climaxed in an early Thanksgiving and this year, it looks like we'll experience the same thing. Tina's parents are coming up at the end of the month for a family get-together.

This time, of course, we won't be 'just visiting.' We're here to stay.

Moving to America was one of my three 'things to do before I'm thirty.' And I've managed it. Hooray! I also managed to achieve my second ambition - to earn a living by writing. But the third - to get a book published - stays tantalisingly beyond my grasp.

The arrival of Autumn is a harsh reminder that time is running out. I've got barely four months to get myself published before I turn thirty. That's just not going to happen.

It's a bit of a disappointment, but writing has been firmly on the back burner for almost a year now.

Following on from our visit to America in 2006, I settled into writing big time - and got stuck into Nanowrimo, a month-long writing competition in which you aim to complete 50,000 words in less than 30 days.

I managed to achieve that target - just - with my Adventure Eddy story Bootleg Boys. But my writing sort of teetered out once Nanowrimo was over. Work and the move to America diverted my attention.

Which means that Bootleg Boys is still unfinished, languishing on my hard drive. The problem was the ending. Nothing quite 'fit.' I have about four different versions now and not one of them is the 'definitive one.'

The realisation that I haven't written anything significant for almost a year is not a comfortable one...

(Well, actually, I have written dozens of successful radio adverts, a smutty story published worldwide, some national advertising and marketing copy, an Internet article linked to by the Wall Street Journal Online and my articles on 'being ginger' got my mug on a BBC documentary)

...so I have decided to spend October finishing what I started.

Bootleg Boys will get finished, by hook or by crook. And it'll be good. In fact, it will be miles better than Adventure Eddy. It might not be good enough to get published - but it will be a step closer towards that goal.

And in November, when Nanowrimo comes around again, I will start off a 50,000 word adventure about something completely different.

But until then?

Adventure Eddy rides again.

I Heart Lisa

Pink World author Lisa Clark (who I've interviewed here) does something awesome when she writes. She has a totally unique voice and vocabulary which instantly bring her words alive. It's fun and cheery and wonderfully upbeat and I love it.

In fact, I covet it.

Yep, that's right. I have writer's envy. Not because of Lisa's richly deserved book deal with Harper Collins (although that's pretty brilliant.) I'm jealous of her writing because she personalises every paragraph. She has a voice.

A unique voice is probably one of the important ingredients in a successful writing career. I think many writers, myself included, fail when they try to capture somebody else's writing technique and copy the style of authors and genres that inspired them.

I realised this the other day, when I was sitting down with a colleague and discussing writing. She was telling me about some stories she had planned - evil and scary and riveting stuff which would give psychologists years of material. She had great, compelling ideas.

The writing she showed me conveyed these ideas in rich, thick prose. It was incredibly reminiscent of the style H.P. Lovecraft used in his books and short stories. Lots of darkness and evocative adjectives. That's when it hit me. This wasn't her voice.

They were her ideas, but she was trying to convey them in somebody else's voice. It didn't quite fit right. There was nothing wrong with the writing, as such. It's just really unique voices, like Lisa Clark's, leap out of the page at you in a way H.P. Lovecraft's vintage prose simply can't. He was considered excessively wordy back when his books first hit the shelves, back in the early part of the 20th century. Now his style seems ridiculously outdated.

My writing is guilty of the same crime. I have deliberately tried to adopt the style of my literary heroes, Ian Fleming and Leslie Charteris. Fleming was a journalist, always willing to cram trivia into his work to illustrate how smart and well travelled he was. Charteris was passionate about the dashing, handsome, infallible Saint. He was forever describing his long legs, piratical smile, tanned face and effortless charm. In recounting his adventures, Charteris used a style of writing which my brother once wisely described as "masturbatory."

I like to think the same phrase couldn't be used to describe Adventure Eddy - but certainly the methods and tone of my novel have their origins in the works of my two favourite writers. Perhaps the only way to move my writing career forward is to rethink the story and re-imagine it in an entirely new voice.

My own.

Back when I really was Adventure Eddy?

Normal Service will Resume Shortly... (Fingers crossed!)

Today is my final day in the office. Two more footloose days in blighty and Tina and I will be zooming up to Gatwick to catch our plane.

Firstly - and most importantly - it means we're going to be out of internet contact for at least the next few days. In modern society, that's the equivilent of having your arm hacked off. On the other hand, perhaps it'll be refreshing not to have to delete sixty emails each morning from Nigerian 'businessmen' offering you millions of laundered dollars if you'd only give them your bank details.

Secondly, it means the impossible is about to happen. We're going back. We're REALLY going back. And America awaits like an enormous blank canvas. Assuming, of course, the immigrations men in rubber gloves actually let me through.

They should do. My paperwork's all kosher.

We're flying out on the 3rd of June. Ironically, that's the same date last year that I started this blog.

I originally started blogging to chronicle my experiences getting back to America. Tina and I have been waiting since we got married in 2003 and I would hardly have believed that my goal would have been accomplished in just twelve months. I thought our immigration journey would carry on forever.

But it didn't. It's happened and it's here.

This means the nature of my blog will change. Anybody who's been reading it so far (Hi, Dad!) will have seen a mish mash of reviews and articles and podgy editorial pieces. and some reviews. Those where awesome!

The inconsistent content came about because I didn't have anything specific to write about. Now I do. Arriving in America is just going to be the first step in a whole new journey as I find myself a home, a job and a whole new life.

So stay tuned. There should be some good stuff coming up.

But not for a while. It'll probably be at least a week before I blog again.

Next time I write, it'll be in America!

Adventure Eddy...

Well, I got my second rejection today... Adventure Eddy has officially been kicked to the kerb twice.

And you know what?

I've sucked it up. I think the book in it's present incarnation is not publishable.

This doesn't worry me as much as it should. Working in media for the last couple of years, I've learnt a lot. Taking a lot more interest in the publishing industry, I've learnt even more.

The fact is, RULE NUMBER ONE of publishing is that books need a hook.

You need to sum them up in a single line. The hook is....

Da Vinci Code? Guy discovers Vatican have hidden secret of the Holy Grail.

Harry Potter? Teenage boy discovers that he's a wizard.

What was the hook of Adventure Eddy? There wasn't one.

You see, I'd made the mistake of thinking about character and story before concept. And in today's world of 30 second attention spans, CONCEPT is everything.

So I need to rewrite Adventure Eddy.

And it's not just CONCEPT that needs to be looked at. It's the whole thing. But I think step number one is how to make people hear about the book and want to pick it up. In one line, I need to make Adventure Eddy exciting.

So I have a story. I have characters. But I need to reexamine how I tell it.

I have had two ambitions recently. To move to America and to get my book published.

I've SO nearly managed to achieve one of those. Now it's time to look seriously at the other.