Forget Mexican drug cartels - how Homeland Security is protecting us against Canadian sheep

Down in the south, there's a war going on. The border between Mexico and the United States has become a battleground, as illegal immigrants and drug cartels cross into American territory with impunity; bringing with them crime, violence and misery.

This is what the Mexico/US border looks like

But don't expect Homeland Security to do anything about it. They have bigger fish to fry; as I discovered this week.

Epic jacket was epic

Following the demise of my ankle-length leather duster (bought for the princely sum of $69 dollars from the Burlington Coat Factory)  I ordered a replacement winter coat from Canada - an RAF greatcoat modeled after the one worn by Captain Jack Harkness, on Torchwood.

.38 Webley sold separately

Today was the day it was meant to arrive in the post - but no such luck. Instead I received a report that my jacket was "detained at customs" because agents were concerned it was manufactured from that most dangerous and illegal of all contraband - wool.

Now, admittedly, I have a bad track record with border security (I've been detained, deported, have goods lost, stolen, broken and confiscated) but of all the flimsy excuses I'd ever heard for stopping a shipment, the chance that it contained wool must rank amongst the most ridiculous.

Is this America's greatest enemy?

I mean, is there some great woolen conspiracy I'm unaware of? Are American wool manufacturers finding themselves swamped by cheap wool from Canadian sweat(er)-shops? Have enterprising French-Canadian drug barons figured out a way to lace cardigans and jumpers with cocaine to sneak across the border into Vermont?

I couldn't tell you - but I can tell you that I'm narked.

I mean, the United States is essentially in a de facto state of war along the Mexican border and Homeland Security is concerning themselves with my coat? Because it's made out of wool?

I mean, I don't claim to be an expert, but I'm pretty sure thousands of sheep in Vermont trot gaily too and fro across thousands of miles of undefended Canadian border each and every day - and none of them get stopped and frisked by men with guns (or maybe they do. Perhaps those are considered Black sheep Ops.)

Anyway. As a result I have to wait an extra week for my beautiful new coat; and hundreds of criminals down south will be able to use my sartorial distraction to continue smuggling drugs and people into America with impunity.

Way to go, American border control! Another victory to your name!

Insert Random Aliteration Featuring the word 'Bootleg' Here

To mark the finish of the epic Bootleg Boys (the writing of it was epic - the book's not) I have decided to produce a brief Frequently Asked Questions fact sheet.

What exactly is the Bootleg Boys?

It's an adventure story! Or crime/adventure. Or something like that.

What's it all about, Alfie?

Did you know 250 lorries and vans cross the English channel every single day STUFFED with bootlegged beer, wine, spirits and cigarettes?

With taxes on beer, for example, being just one SEVENTH in France of what they are in England, there's a lot of money to be made smuggling it - and a lot of unscrupulous types trying to make a profit!

So that's the setting. Big lorries. Bootleg Beer and some unscrupulous types. But unlike previous stories, it's not Eddy who gets on the wrong side of one of these unscrupulous types this time around. They get on the wrong side of Eddy.

What follows is something VERY ROUGHLY like The Italian Job, except with beer instead of gold bricks.

Okay, okay. Adventure Eddy's been to Paris, New York, Germany and Cornwall. Where exactly does THIS story fit in with whatever 'Eddy' continuity there is?

Nice and simply. It's set straight after the last book, Adventure Eddy.

If you're into comic books, you'll have heard of the term 'reboot.' It's a bit like what EON films did in that last Bond movie, Casino Royale. You 're imagine' the origins of favourite characters.

That's what I did with Adventure Eddy - going right back to square one and explaining who Eddy was and how he earned the title Adventure Eddy. Bootleg Boys follows straight on from that - although it's a stand alone book and you don't need to have read 'Adventure Eddy' to understand it.

Wait a second! I thought Eddy lived in Oxford, not Winchester!

Eddy's been adventuring for almost fifteen years now! He's 'lived' in London, Plymouth, Tavistock AND Oxford. But in the reboot, he's moved to Winchester.

And who's Pranay Raj? Whatever happened to Angus Connelly?

Angus was Eddy's oldest and most loyal friend. He was also the dullest, dreariest character in the series. Eddy needs somebody to bounce ideas off, but who said that person can't have his own personality too? Streetwise, unscrupulous Pranay walked right onto the page, fully formed, and quickly booted Angus out of the picture. It's a bit like how Mary Jane Watson pushed Gwen Stacy CLEAN out of the picture in the old Spiderman comic books (no surprise, really. Mary Jane was a ginger and they always come out on top.)

Woah, woah, woah! In Adventure Eddy, his stonking great Firebird is clearly described as having 'pop up headlights' and a five litre engine. Now, suddenly, it's got a 6.6 litre and a four in the floor. How do you explain that?

Ian Fleming used to do it all the time. James Bond's beautiful Bentley would be one car in one book and morph mysteriously into another in the second.

It's a bit like how Felix Leiter, who had his arm and leg chewed off by a shark in Live and Let Die, magically regrew one limb per book and by the time The Man With The Golden Gun wheeled around, his only handicap was a hook for a hand.

It's called creative expression or something. 'Ret-conning,' as the comic masters have titled the phenomenon.

But yes, well spotted. Eddy's Firebird magically and mysteriously changes from a 'Knight Rider' style third-generation Pontiac Firebird into a 'Smokey and the Bandit' style second-generation Firebird during the gap between Adventure Eddy and Bootleg Boys.

But hang on! It still has a 'perspex book lid' and Pranay still refers to it as 'Knight Rider.' What gives?

Well, I know the car has morphed. You know the car has morphed. But nobody told the car.

So are you advocating skirting Britain's tough Customs and Excise regulations via Eddy's activities in Bootleg Boys?

No! not at all! In fact, read the book and you might just see it all as a twisted morality tale in which everybody gets their just deserts.

Will there be sex and violence?

Not really. My parents read might read it! But there's plenty of romance, a bloodthirsty quest for vengeance and enough perilous situations for even Eddy to get nervous.

And where can I read it?

Publication date is set for November 1st! Barring, of course, sudden and horrific realisation that it's crap. I'll even post a link when the time comes!