How to be an Adventure Hero

I'm passionate about old fashioned adventure stories - James Bond, The Saint and pretty much anything that combines fast cars, beautiful women, scheming villains and lashings of alcohol.

In my own life, I aspire to adventure hero status (tying to live up to my fictional alter-ego, Adventure Eddy) but come up considerably short.

If I'm being brutally honest with myself, I wouldn't last five minutes in an Eddyesque exploit - much less be able to tackle the tribulations that faced Simon Templar or James Bond.

So I've decided to examine what it takes to be a real adventure hero - and see if I can't do something about improving my abilities!

According to my research (a lifetime reading pulp adventure stories) any aspiring Adventure Hero must be able to:

Put up a fight. While we'll leave it to Batman and Simon Templar to tackle a room full of bloodthirsty thugs single-handed, even the most modest of adventure heroes needs to be able to handle themselves in a fight.

Drive expertly: Simon Templar and James Bond were both renowned for their driving skills, combining the high-speed expertise of a racing driver with wheelmanship a police driver would be proud of. The essential skills required are the ability to outrun a pursuer (including the cops) while also keeping on the tail of a fleeing bad-guy.

Seduce a Lady: Indiana Jones seduced Kate Capshaw, even while dripping with sweat, dirt and the blood of all the Nazis he'd just beaten up. James Bond, meanwhile, bed-hopped more than a cimex lectularius. Romance is an indispensable component of the adventure hero lifestyle.

Be knowledgeable: With one sip of solera, Bond could name the vintage of the wine upon which it was originally based. Simon Templar spoke several languages like a native. Sherlock Holmes, of course, was the very epitome of encyclopedic knowledge (as long as it interested him; he knew nothing of literature, philosophy or politics, arguing: "A man's brain is like a little empty attic, and you should only stock it with such furniture as you choose.")

Be brilliant: Simon Templar electrocuted his captors with nothing more than a damp towel and a table lamp. James Bond made a makeshift knuckle-duster out of his Rolex. Sherlock Holmes, of course, was the master of deduction and inspirational thinking. To be an adventure hero, you need to be sharp. Initiative, intuition and intelligence are second only to the true test - inspiration.

Be gentlemanly: James Bond never 'spanked a girl on an empty stomach' - and likewise, all the best adventure heroes know when to keep it classy. Adventure heroes aren't petty, mean-spirited or gossipy. They almost universally treat people with the respect they deserve.

Out of the practical skills adventure heroes should possess, these struck me as some of the most popular:

• Ride a horse
• Fight with a sword
• Shoot a gun
• Scale a wall
• Swim strongly (and underwater)
• Fix a car
• Hold their liquor
• Fly a plane
• Run five miles
• Hotwire a car
• Pick a lock
• Start a fire without matches or a lighter
• Shoot a bow and arrow
• Throw a knife
• Mix a Martini
• Get out of handcuffs

Now how do I rate?

Put up a fight. I've had absolutely no formal training in fighting - I took Kung Fu for a couple of weeks, but spent more time doing press-ups than actually learning anything practical. That lack of training, pitted with my (fortunately) meagre real-life combat experience means that I'd be mincemeat in the face of even the most feeble foe. Verdict: FAIL.

Drive expertly: I'm a pretty good driver, even if I do say so myself. However, driving safely and precisely is very different from driving fast and well. Like with the fighting, I don't think this is an area I can lay any claim to without some time on a track or an advanced driving course. Verdict: FAIL.

Seduce a Lady: As the existence of my nine-month-old will testify to, I've seduced at least one woman in my time. In fact, I've generally been quite a likable and female-friendly chap - I even had a reputation as an ambitious, if generally unsuccessful womaniser in my time. While I'm certainly no Lothario (and don't measure up to Templar or Bond) I do think I hold my own in this department. Verdict: C+ (could do better)

Be knowledgeable: Does the ability to quote Thomas Jefferson, or the skill to mix the perfect Martini, allow me to rank myself as 'knowledgeable?' I'm really not - although I've got a serviceable knowledge of history, speak fluent French (badly) and developed some practical skills growing up on a farm. In the right circumstances, I think I could pull something out of the hat. Verdict: C (could do better)

Be brilliant: I have my moments, but when it comes to flashes of inspiration and shrewd deductive reasoning, I'm woefully inadequate. I don't think I've ever had a moment of genius like Sherlock Holmes, or outwitted a cunning enemy like The Saint. Verdict: FAIL.

Be gentlemanly: Now this is my area of expertise! I like to think I'm charming, affable and painstakingly polite, so I think I definitely rank as a 'gentleman.' Plus, I have a British accent! Verdict: A

Now how about those skills?

• Ride a horse - Yes, I've been riding since I was a child.
  
• Fight with a sword - No, despite owning several of them.
  
• Shoot a gun - Maybe, I was a crack shot with air pistols and shotguns (but I hate guns)
  
• Scale a wall - No, because I'm too fat and unfit
  
• Swim strongly (and underwater) - Maybe, I'm a good swimmer, but monstrously unfit
  
• Fix a car - No, although I've had plenty of opportunity to peer at broken motors
  
• Hold their liquor - No, since I drink radically less than I used to
  
• Fly a plane - No, although I've taken a lesson and enjoyed it
  
• Run five miles - No, because I'm too unfit
  
• Hotwire a car - No, although I did hotwire a Golf Cart once
  
• Pick a lock - No, but I've done it a few times with poorly made locks
  
• Start a fire without matches or a lighter - Maybe, bang a few rocks together?
  
• Shoot a bow and arrow - No, because I've done it, but can't hit a damn thing.
  
• Throw a knife - No, not without a spectacularly nonlethal 'clonk' at the other end.
  
• Mix a Martini - Yes, my Martinis are sublime
  
• Get out of handcuffs - Maybe, I keep a handcuff key in my pocket just in case!
  

Two out of sixteen is pretty appalling! Unless my 'adventure' revolved around a horse and a wet bar, I'd be pretty stumped!

So the verdict is inarguable: I'd make a pretty terrible adventure hero (as it currently stands!)

Of course, the fact that I'm not an adventure hero and will probably have very little reason to ever become one (as I sink even further into suburban serenity) is irrelevant. It's pretty depressing to realize that I'd be woefully inadequate should I ever 'hear the sound of the trumpet' and be called to action.

Therefore, I need to do something about this!

Where to begin, though?

I'll have to give this some serious thought. One thing is certain - I can't be expected to learn all these important adventuring skills overnight!

Out of all of them, though, I think two strike me as the most important. The first is 'Put up a fight.' I really ought to get back into taking a martial art, or joining a boxing gym, as a bit of self defence knowledge is never a bad idea.

The second one would fix several of my inadequacies - simply getting fit. Indiana Jones wouldn't have lasted five minutes against the Nazis if he was as pale and portly as me. I need to get myself in gear so (if the occasion ever called for it) I too could outrun a boulder or swim across the ocean to a descending U-Boat (you never know - it might happen!)

Well, watch this space. Reinventing myself as an adventure hero is just beginning

More on the Gingermobile...

As you might remember, I've been seriously considering what my next 'Gingermobile' will be.

The cars of literary heroes James Bond and Simon Templar helped me define some of the essential characteristics of a Gingermobile, but there's another important influence to consider.

When it comes to the soul of the Gingermobile, you have to look down south - to the fictional county of Hazzard, Georgia, and a '69 Dodge Charger that two boys used to run moonshine across the territory in.


The General Lee.

When you get down to brass tacks, the General Lee represents everything required in a Gingermobile. It's a massive great beast of a car, born of NASCAR heritage and with some of the finest lines ever seen emerging from Detroit.

The original General Lee was a 1969 Dodge Charger, painted in Corvette Flame Red with a 383 cubic inch V8 mounted to a three speed A727 Torqueflites automatic transmission. The car rolled on 14X7 inch American Racing brand "Vectors" wheels and B.F.Goodrich racing tyres. With the doors welded shut for stability, a full roll-cage installed inside and front 'push bars' added, it was a serious tank.

I wrote earlier that my next Gingermobile will have to fit the specifications of Bond and Templar's cars - fast, big and luxurious. The Dodge Charger fits all three of those, although the General Lee itself wasn't so 'luxurious' - as befits a racing car, the luxuries were pared down to the essentials.

The General Lee, however, reiterates two points about Simon Templar and James Bond's cars that I missed. Although not nearly to the same extent as the Duke boy's chariot, both Simon's Hirondel and Bond's Bentley were heavily modified and unique.


Simon Templar was forever taking his cream and red Hirondel to the factory for additional modification, while Bond's Bentley's were 'mildly' modified (by the addition of an Arnott supercharger and coat of matt, battleship grey paint) or heavily modified (with a custom-built, two seater convertible body that Bond boasts is 'really convertible') depending on the book.

Taking all of this into account, it seems obvious now that in addition to being big, fast and luxurious, my Gingermobile will have to be uniquely modified. That's what makes it a 'mobile' rather than just a car.

Also, like The Saint's car and Bond's Bentley, the General Lee was perfectly suited for high octane adventure. It was fast and tough, with a big boot (for running moonshine) and comfortable seating for four or five people (with bench seats up front.)

What's more, there was something rough and ready about it. I used to love climbing in and out of the windows of Tiffany III. My new Gingermobile will also have to have 'fenestral-entry' and two doors, to make sure it's obviously 'sporty.'

So, thanks to the General Lee, my list of Gingermobile requirements stands at:

1. Fast
2. Big
3. Luxurious
4. Tough
5. 'Rough and Ready'
6. Two-door with a big boot
7. You can climb in and out of the windows.

The Saintmobile and the Bondmobile

Two of my major influences have been messieurs Templar and Bond (both pictured here by the same actor, Roger Moore.)

Simon Templar, the ubiquitous 'Saint', is quite simply the greatest adventure hero of all time. Suave, charming, debonair and brave, he personifies everything I idolize - even though about the only characteristic I share with the 'Robin Hood of Modern Crime' is a pathologically cheery outlook on life and a bent for flippancy.

James Bond, the 'blunt instrument' of Her Majesty's Secret Service, represents a dying breed of self-confident masculinity. Bond was an idealized version of his creator, Ian Fleming, who could eat, drink and womanize without restraint (which explains why Bond's still going, while Fleming croaked aged just 56.)

Both of them adored cars, and often appeared behind the wheels of vehicles lavishly described by the author. Although both Bond and Templar went through quite a number of vehicles over the years, they each have a trademark 'mobile which shares many of the characteristics I strive for in my own 'Gingermobile.'

The Saint's Car

When we first met Simon Templar, he drove a 'Furillac' - a fictional sports car with an American-sounding name (I often envisaged it as a Cord convertible, much like this one from A Kilted Travel Agent's blog.)

Templar later borrowed his friend Norman Kent's car - and after Norman died heroically at the end of The Last Hero, Templar adopted the 'Hirondel' and drove it throughout almost all of his European-based adventures.

Like the Furillac, the cars of the Hirondel Motor Corporation were fictional - however, we do know what they looked like. Author Leslie Charteris based Templar's cream and red Hirondel on his own twelve-cylinder Lagonda Rapide, meaning the car The Saint drove resembled something like this:


We know it was very fast, low-slung and practical enough to contain four people (who could be slung in and out of the vehicle with relative impunity, thanks to the convertible top.)

We also know the car did about 5mpg and the Hirondel Motor Corporation was based in Britain (and appeared to produce a limited number of these cars, practically assembling them by hand.)

Bond's Car

To most us us, the name James Bond is synonymous with 'Aston Martin.'

But while the movie incarnations of 007 have always been behind the wheel of that stylish brand of luxury touring car, the original James Bond was very particular about his choice of transportation. He drove a Bentley, plain and simple.

In Casino Royale, we were introduced to Bond's 1930 Bentley Blower, a super-charged 4½ litre Le Mans car in matt, battleship grey. As tended to become a habit with Bond, he crashed it at the climax of the story (car chases and martinis clearly don't mix, even in the 1950's.)

In later books, author Ian Fleming promoted Bond's chariot to the 'Bentley Continental Mark IV' - a car equally as fictional as Simon Templar's Hirondel. Although Bentley never produced a real Bentley Mark IV, it's fair to imagine it might have looked something like a contemporary Bentley Continental, like this one I've stolen from A Kilted Travel Agent's blog.


Bond suitably modified his car with an Arnott supercharger (leaving Rolls Royce no choice but to wipe their hands of this 'bastardized child') which allowed the Bentley to cruise at 100mph 'with 30 in reserve.'

Just like Simon Templar's Hirondel, Bond's Bentley fulfilled three major criteria:

1. It was fast.
2. It was big.
3. It was luxurious.

Operation Gingermobile

Now I'm on the path to my future Gingermobile, I think it's important to look at what I've learned from James Bond and Simon Templar and put that information to work choosing my own Gingermobile.

If I had an unlimited budget, I think my choices would be expanded somewhat. At ideal candidate might be a Jensen Interceptor (which a television incarnation of Simon Templar actually drove in the 1980's.)


It combines speed, size and luxury with the good looks and polish of a fastback grand tourer.

Unfortunately, I don't have $20,000 to blow on a Jensen - but it has at least given me a bit of direction towards what car I'll ultimately select as my own Gingermobile.

Watch this space!

Waldorf Salad

The biggest mistake my father ever made was giving me a Saint book for my sixteenth birthday.

The Saint in New York started the downward spiral into an obsession with adventure stories, Leslie Charteris books and New York city.

In The Saint in New York, Simon Templar comes to America to 'clean up' the Big Apple - and he does so from a tower-suite at one of New York's swankiest hotels. The Waldorf Astoria - birthplace of the Waldorf Salad and home-away-from-home for the likes of Winston Churchill, Ian Fleming and Cole Porter - was the perfect place for the sublimely suave Simon Templar to rest his head between nocturnal misadventures.

Since I first read The Saint in New York, I've wanted to stay at the Astoria. And this weekend, I did! My best friend Gavin (and his friend Jules) came out to visit and kindly paid for Tina and I to stay at the Astoria while we had a night on the tiles.

Dressed up in our finest (I wore my most Roger-Moore three-piece suit) we had martinis in Cole Porter's bar, devoured steaks at the Bull & Bear and then went for a nightcap at the Plaza Hotel (which resembles a building site and grossly overcharges even by the standards of New York City's swankiest five star hotels.)

Since Tina and I are being as careful with our pennies as possible, it was an incredible opportunity to experience the Astoria. We'd never have allowed ourselves to do it on our own (even if we'd been able to afford it!) Thanks, Gavin!

The Saint plays a Saint...

Television's new Simon Templar - British actor James Purefoy - has actually played a saint before. Saint George, to be exact, in the 2004 movie 'George and the Dragon,' recently released on DVD.

Produced by the Sci-Fi channel, George and the Dragon is an anachronistic reinvention of the legend of Saint George, the dragon-slaying Patron Saint of England.

Historical accuracy isn't the forte of this low budget film. Nor is originality. From the opening scene, it's pretty apparent that the script of George and the Dragon was cobbled together from various historical epics.

The movie starts off with young Englishman George returning from the Crusades with his new friend, an imposing Muslim warrior (just like Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves.) The action then shifts to rural England, where Lord Garth (played inexplicably by American legend Patrick Swayze) is trying to find his kidnapped betrothed (mirroring the plot of The Princess Bride.)

As George and Garth team up, they cobble together a curious band of friends - like robust friar Jean-Pierre Castaldi (who in one scene, 'invents' the skateboard, just like Marty McFly did in Back to the Future) and even Val Kilmer has an appearance, playing the fifth incarnation of the legendary El Cabillo (another nod to The Princess Bride - and doubly curious since Kilmer also played The Saint in the dire movie version.)

Michael Clarke Duncan and Coyote Ugly star Piper Perabo buoy up the ranks, plus we have pop-ups by British sitcom legends like Bill Odie and Simon Callow. If nothing else, George and the Dragon is a great 'Spot the Star' game for movie buffs!

But all those stars can't quite make up for inconsistent acting and a truly dodgy script. If it wasn't for the injection of some laugh-out-loud slapstick comedy (like a village thatcher who constantly falls off his roof) then this movie would be an abject flop.

As it is, we're left with a fairly generic historical fantasy that manages to display James Purefoy's comedy skills, if nothing else. Although saddled with some truly awful dialogue, Purefoy has a sly wit and great timing - which makes me think he'll make a truly exceptional Saint in the upcoming TV movie.

George and the Dragon is available now from Blockbuster.

The Saint is Back!

Some incredibly exciting news!

One of my friends from British Expats, Alan, emailed me with a sizzling snippet of information about an upcoming Saint series.

Ian Dickerson, chairman of The Saint Club (and advocate of Adventure Eddy) posted this statement from the new show's producer, Bill Macdonald:

“We're prepping the two hour pilot for a European shoot (given the strike situation in U.S.)

James Purefoy, Mark Antony in "Rome," is set to play the new Simon Templar.

It's being produced by Macdonald, Geoffrey Moore, (Sir Roger's son) and Jorge Zamacona (most recently of "Oz".) Shooting begins in Berlin and Australia in April.”

What exciting stuff! I just hope it lives up to the hype.

Jame Purefoy, from Somerset, is a good looking choice for The Saint. He even screen-tested for James Bond - and the Bond movies took a lot of nods from Leslie Charteris' work !

(James Bond spinning his hat across the room onto the hatstand, for example, is a nice little trait borrowed shamelessly from Simon Templar's stable of circus tricks.)

Fingers crossed it lives up to it's potential.

Some Thoughts...

With the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, I can see that I've had some wonderful experiences in the past. Tresco, Paris and Long Island were wonderful and I made great friends and had great times.

Stupidly, at the time, I didn't quite realise how lucky I was. I kept on looking at the horizon for the next big break. I was always unsatisfied.

So while I was driving back today, the cool sounds of Miles Davis wafting out of my SIRIUS radio and the warm evening breeze on my face, I gave it a thought and realised something astonishing.

I was incredibly happy. I was incredibly lucky. I was somewhere where I wanted to be.

Where I am right now is pretty much where I've spent the best part of a decade struggling to be. In America, behind the wheel of a stupid old car, with a solid job to go to and somebody who loves me to come back to.

Now I'm not 'giving up.' I'm still on the prowl to achieve more and go further. But right now, I realise I could freeze this moment for the rest of my life and be proud of it.

I sacrificed a lot to get to New York. Relationships and friendships and the chance to be close to the people I love. But as Simon Templar said in The Last Hero: "Nothing is won without sacrifice."

I just wanted to write this down because I know it can't last forever. It might not even last until tomorrow. But right now, where I am at this moment... People wait a lifetime for it. So even if I live to 102 and wind up destitute in a gutter, I'll always look back and appreciate how incredibly lucky and blessed I was at this exact moment in time.

Even more than I appreciate everything that's happened to me, I'm grateful for being given the insight to actually appreciate it. To realise that things are good while they're still good, instead of looking back in five years time and thinking: "Damn, if only I'd have realised how lucky I was..."

I do realise how lucky I am. In fact, the only thing that scares me is the inexorable knowledge that all things, good or bad, must come to an end.