How to be an Adventure Hero

I'm passionate about old fashioned adventure stories - James Bond, The Saint and pretty much anything that combines fast cars, beautiful women, scheming villains and lashings of alcohol.

In my own life, I aspire to adventure hero status (tying to live up to my fictional alter-ego, Adventure Eddy) but come up considerably short.

If I'm being brutally honest with myself, I wouldn't last five minutes in an Eddyesque exploit - much less be able to tackle the tribulations that faced Simon Templar or James Bond.

So I've decided to examine what it takes to be a real adventure hero - and see if I can't do something about improving my abilities!

According to my research (a lifetime reading pulp adventure stories) any aspiring Adventure Hero must be able to:

Put up a fight. While we'll leave it to Batman and Simon Templar to tackle a room full of bloodthirsty thugs single-handed, even the most modest of adventure heroes needs to be able to handle themselves in a fight.

Drive expertly: Simon Templar and James Bond were both renowned for their driving skills, combining the high-speed expertise of a racing driver with wheelmanship a police driver would be proud of. The essential skills required are the ability to outrun a pursuer (including the cops) while also keeping on the tail of a fleeing bad-guy.

Seduce a Lady: Indiana Jones seduced Kate Capshaw, even while dripping with sweat, dirt and the blood of all the Nazis he'd just beaten up. James Bond, meanwhile, bed-hopped more than a cimex lectularius. Romance is an indispensable component of the adventure hero lifestyle.

Be knowledgeable: With one sip of solera, Bond could name the vintage of the wine upon which it was originally based. Simon Templar spoke several languages like a native. Sherlock Holmes, of course, was the very epitome of encyclopedic knowledge (as long as it interested him; he knew nothing of literature, philosophy or politics, arguing: "A man's brain is like a little empty attic, and you should only stock it with such furniture as you choose.")

Be brilliant: Simon Templar electrocuted his captors with nothing more than a damp towel and a table lamp. James Bond made a makeshift knuckle-duster out of his Rolex. Sherlock Holmes, of course, was the master of deduction and inspirational thinking. To be an adventure hero, you need to be sharp. Initiative, intuition and intelligence are second only to the true test - inspiration.

Be gentlemanly: James Bond never 'spanked a girl on an empty stomach' - and likewise, all the best adventure heroes know when to keep it classy. Adventure heroes aren't petty, mean-spirited or gossipy. They almost universally treat people with the respect they deserve.

Out of the practical skills adventure heroes should possess, these struck me as some of the most popular:

• Ride a horse
• Fight with a sword
• Shoot a gun
• Scale a wall
• Swim strongly (and underwater)
• Fix a car
• Hold their liquor
• Fly a plane
• Run five miles
• Hotwire a car
• Pick a lock
• Start a fire without matches or a lighter
• Shoot a bow and arrow
• Throw a knife
• Mix a Martini
• Get out of handcuffs

Now how do I rate?

Put up a fight. I've had absolutely no formal training in fighting - I took Kung Fu for a couple of weeks, but spent more time doing press-ups than actually learning anything practical. That lack of training, pitted with my (fortunately) meagre real-life combat experience means that I'd be mincemeat in the face of even the most feeble foe. Verdict: FAIL.

Drive expertly: I'm a pretty good driver, even if I do say so myself. However, driving safely and precisely is very different from driving fast and well. Like with the fighting, I don't think this is an area I can lay any claim to without some time on a track or an advanced driving course. Verdict: FAIL.

Seduce a Lady: As the existence of my nine-month-old will testify to, I've seduced at least one woman in my time. In fact, I've generally been quite a likable and female-friendly chap - I even had a reputation as an ambitious, if generally unsuccessful womaniser in my time. While I'm certainly no Lothario (and don't measure up to Templar or Bond) I do think I hold my own in this department. Verdict: C+ (could do better)

Be knowledgeable: Does the ability to quote Thomas Jefferson, or the skill to mix the perfect Martini, allow me to rank myself as 'knowledgeable?' I'm really not - although I've got a serviceable knowledge of history, speak fluent French (badly) and developed some practical skills growing up on a farm. In the right circumstances, I think I could pull something out of the hat. Verdict: C (could do better)

Be brilliant: I have my moments, but when it comes to flashes of inspiration and shrewd deductive reasoning, I'm woefully inadequate. I don't think I've ever had a moment of genius like Sherlock Holmes, or outwitted a cunning enemy like The Saint. Verdict: FAIL.

Be gentlemanly: Now this is my area of expertise! I like to think I'm charming, affable and painstakingly polite, so I think I definitely rank as a 'gentleman.' Plus, I have a British accent! Verdict: A

Now how about those skills?

• Ride a horse - Yes, I've been riding since I was a child.
  
• Fight with a sword - No, despite owning several of them.
  
• Shoot a gun - Maybe, I was a crack shot with air pistols and shotguns (but I hate guns)
  
• Scale a wall - No, because I'm too fat and unfit
  
• Swim strongly (and underwater) - Maybe, I'm a good swimmer, but monstrously unfit
  
• Fix a car - No, although I've had plenty of opportunity to peer at broken motors
  
• Hold their liquor - No, since I drink radically less than I used to
  
• Fly a plane - No, although I've taken a lesson and enjoyed it
  
• Run five miles - No, because I'm too unfit
  
• Hotwire a car - No, although I did hotwire a Golf Cart once
  
• Pick a lock - No, but I've done it a few times with poorly made locks
  
• Start a fire without matches or a lighter - Maybe, bang a few rocks together?
  
• Shoot a bow and arrow - No, because I've done it, but can't hit a damn thing.
  
• Throw a knife - No, not without a spectacularly nonlethal 'clonk' at the other end.
  
• Mix a Martini - Yes, my Martinis are sublime
  
• Get out of handcuffs - Maybe, I keep a handcuff key in my pocket just in case!
  

Two out of sixteen is pretty appalling! Unless my 'adventure' revolved around a horse and a wet bar, I'd be pretty stumped!

So the verdict is inarguable: I'd make a pretty terrible adventure hero (as it currently stands!)

Of course, the fact that I'm not an adventure hero and will probably have very little reason to ever become one (as I sink even further into suburban serenity) is irrelevant. It's pretty depressing to realize that I'd be woefully inadequate should I ever 'hear the sound of the trumpet' and be called to action.

Therefore, I need to do something about this!

Where to begin, though?

I'll have to give this some serious thought. One thing is certain - I can't be expected to learn all these important adventuring skills overnight!

Out of all of them, though, I think two strike me as the most important. The first is 'Put up a fight.' I really ought to get back into taking a martial art, or joining a boxing gym, as a bit of self defence knowledge is never a bad idea.

The second one would fix several of my inadequacies - simply getting fit. Indiana Jones wouldn't have lasted five minutes against the Nazis if he was as pale and portly as me. I need to get myself in gear so (if the occasion ever called for it) I too could outrun a boulder or swim across the ocean to a descending U-Boat (you never know - it might happen!)

Well, watch this space. Reinventing myself as an adventure hero is just beginning