Indiana Jones and the Staff of Kings

Have I've wasted my life?

Perhaps.

For the past two decades, I've been subconsciously motivated by an innate desire to mold myself after Indiana Jones.

See the picture on the right? I used to have a poster of that above my bed when I was a little boy. Indy's been with me since I was old enough to watch movies.

That probably explains my joint honors degree in history, my fascination with fedoras and cowboy hats and the fact that I'm rarely seen without a leather jacket.

In fact, it explains this:

My version of Short Round is very, very short.

But I've been an idiot! All this time, I thought to 'be' Indiana Jones, you actually had to emulate him - hence why I wore the hat, studied history and got beaten up by towering Nazi stormtroopers [I think you made that last one up - Editorial Bear.]

The truth is, I didn't need to do any of these things - because the power to 'be' Indiana Jones was already within my grasp, right in the comfort of my own home!

Yesterday, I mentioned how I lost my 'Wii' virginity - and last night, I played 'Indiana Jones and the Staff of Kings' for the first time.

Now, I'm not a cynical gaming guru - so what's old rope to those people was new and exciting to me. I got to put on my 'Indy' hat, pick up a Wii controller in each hand and...

...and it was AWESOME.

Indiana Jones and the Staff of Kings lets you 'be' Indiana Jones. And not in that crappy 'press the A button to punch, use the B button to jump' way. Thanks to the Wii's controllers, when you control Indiana Jones onscreen, you actually have to DO the things he does.

For example, in the opening scene (Sudan, 1939 - the Germans wore grey, you wore blue) Indiana Jones goes up against five Nazi stormtroopers armed with nothing but his fists - and YOU have to punch your way through them.

Crack that whip! In real life, I'd have tangled it round my throat by now...

You thrust the left controller for a left jab. Swing the right one for a mean right hook. Jerk up the left controller again and POW! An uppercut that leaves the Germans seeing stars.

Staff of Kings has a control style that's simultaneously simple, yet complex. It's utterly intuitive.

Within minutes, I was ducking punches, using my whip to sweep Stormtroopers off their feet and thrusting Nazis head-first into brick walls. It took my about ten attempts to polish off the gang of Germans - and by the time I was finished, I was literally dripping in sweat.

With the Wii, you can use your whip, fists, objects and furniture to pummel your foes

There is simply nothing else like it.

The whole appeal of video games is the chance to do exciting, dangerous things you can't do in real life - but I've always found the format kind of flat. I love Grand Theft Auto, for example, but I always thought it kind of ironic that your on-screen avatar ran miles across a busy city while you say on your sofa eating Cheese Puffs.

Staff of Kings, on the other hand, manages to actually let you 'do' what Indy does. It's incredibly visceral to actually throw punches, crack the whip and work up a sweat dodging bad guys. Perhaps I'm biased, having never played on a Wii before, but as far as I was concerned, it was one of the most rewarding gaming experiences I've ever enjoyed.

Yes! Yes it does!

Compared to Playstation 3, the graphics of the Wii (and accordingly, Staff of Kings) are pretty primitive. Likewise, the story is resolutely linear, unlike city-wide 'sandboxes' like the infamous Grand Theft Auto. But despite that, Indiana Jones and the Staff of Kings offers something no so-called 'more sophisticated' game can equal.

Last night, I got to beat up Nazis, swing across ravines, explore ancients tombs and rescue a beautiful (digital) girl and I have the sore arms to prove it. There's simply nothing more satisfying than that.

Except for perhaps doing it in real life - and if this candid picture is anything to go by, that's something I've been aspiring to for years now.


Indiana Jones and the Staff of Kings is available from Wal-Mart, Amazon and Blockbuster for $19.99.

How to be an Adventure Hero

I'm passionate about old fashioned adventure stories - James Bond, The Saint and pretty much anything that combines fast cars, beautiful women, scheming villains and lashings of alcohol.

In my own life, I aspire to adventure hero status (tying to live up to my fictional alter-ego, Adventure Eddy) but come up considerably short.

If I'm being brutally honest with myself, I wouldn't last five minutes in an Eddyesque exploit - much less be able to tackle the tribulations that faced Simon Templar or James Bond.

So I've decided to examine what it takes to be a real adventure hero - and see if I can't do something about improving my abilities!

According to my research (a lifetime reading pulp adventure stories) any aspiring Adventure Hero must be able to:

Put up a fight. While we'll leave it to Batman and Simon Templar to tackle a room full of bloodthirsty thugs single-handed, even the most modest of adventure heroes needs to be able to handle themselves in a fight.

Drive expertly: Simon Templar and James Bond were both renowned for their driving skills, combining the high-speed expertise of a racing driver with wheelmanship a police driver would be proud of. The essential skills required are the ability to outrun a pursuer (including the cops) while also keeping on the tail of a fleeing bad-guy.

Seduce a Lady: Indiana Jones seduced Kate Capshaw, even while dripping with sweat, dirt and the blood of all the Nazis he'd just beaten up. James Bond, meanwhile, bed-hopped more than a cimex lectularius. Romance is an indispensable component of the adventure hero lifestyle.

Be knowledgeable: With one sip of solera, Bond could name the vintage of the wine upon which it was originally based. Simon Templar spoke several languages like a native. Sherlock Holmes, of course, was the very epitome of encyclopedic knowledge (as long as it interested him; he knew nothing of literature, philosophy or politics, arguing: "A man's brain is like a little empty attic, and you should only stock it with such furniture as you choose.")

Be brilliant: Simon Templar electrocuted his captors with nothing more than a damp towel and a table lamp. James Bond made a makeshift knuckle-duster out of his Rolex. Sherlock Holmes, of course, was the master of deduction and inspirational thinking. To be an adventure hero, you need to be sharp. Initiative, intuition and intelligence are second only to the true test - inspiration.

Be gentlemanly: James Bond never 'spanked a girl on an empty stomach' - and likewise, all the best adventure heroes know when to keep it classy. Adventure heroes aren't petty, mean-spirited or gossipy. They almost universally treat people with the respect they deserve.

Out of the practical skills adventure heroes should possess, these struck me as some of the most popular:

• Ride a horse
• Fight with a sword
• Shoot a gun
• Scale a wall
• Swim strongly (and underwater)
• Fix a car
• Hold their liquor
• Fly a plane
• Run five miles
• Hotwire a car
• Pick a lock
• Start a fire without matches or a lighter
• Shoot a bow and arrow
• Throw a knife
• Mix a Martini
• Get out of handcuffs

Now how do I rate?

Put up a fight. I've had absolutely no formal training in fighting - I took Kung Fu for a couple of weeks, but spent more time doing press-ups than actually learning anything practical. That lack of training, pitted with my (fortunately) meagre real-life combat experience means that I'd be mincemeat in the face of even the most feeble foe. Verdict: FAIL.

Drive expertly: I'm a pretty good driver, even if I do say so myself. However, driving safely and precisely is very different from driving fast and well. Like with the fighting, I don't think this is an area I can lay any claim to without some time on a track or an advanced driving course. Verdict: FAIL.

Seduce a Lady: As the existence of my nine-month-old will testify to, I've seduced at least one woman in my time. In fact, I've generally been quite a likable and female-friendly chap - I even had a reputation as an ambitious, if generally unsuccessful womaniser in my time. While I'm certainly no Lothario (and don't measure up to Templar or Bond) I do think I hold my own in this department. Verdict: C+ (could do better)

Be knowledgeable: Does the ability to quote Thomas Jefferson, or the skill to mix the perfect Martini, allow me to rank myself as 'knowledgeable?' I'm really not - although I've got a serviceable knowledge of history, speak fluent French (badly) and developed some practical skills growing up on a farm. In the right circumstances, I think I could pull something out of the hat. Verdict: C (could do better)

Be brilliant: I have my moments, but when it comes to flashes of inspiration and shrewd deductive reasoning, I'm woefully inadequate. I don't think I've ever had a moment of genius like Sherlock Holmes, or outwitted a cunning enemy like The Saint. Verdict: FAIL.

Be gentlemanly: Now this is my area of expertise! I like to think I'm charming, affable and painstakingly polite, so I think I definitely rank as a 'gentleman.' Plus, I have a British accent! Verdict: A

Now how about those skills?

• Ride a horse - Yes, I've been riding since I was a child.
  
• Fight with a sword - No, despite owning several of them.
  
• Shoot a gun - Maybe, I was a crack shot with air pistols and shotguns (but I hate guns)
  
• Scale a wall - No, because I'm too fat and unfit
  
• Swim strongly (and underwater) - Maybe, I'm a good swimmer, but monstrously unfit
  
• Fix a car - No, although I've had plenty of opportunity to peer at broken motors
  
• Hold their liquor - No, since I drink radically less than I used to
  
• Fly a plane - No, although I've taken a lesson and enjoyed it
  
• Run five miles - No, because I'm too unfit
  
• Hotwire a car - No, although I did hotwire a Golf Cart once
  
• Pick a lock - No, but I've done it a few times with poorly made locks
  
• Start a fire without matches or a lighter - Maybe, bang a few rocks together?
  
• Shoot a bow and arrow - No, because I've done it, but can't hit a damn thing.
  
• Throw a knife - No, not without a spectacularly nonlethal 'clonk' at the other end.
  
• Mix a Martini - Yes, my Martinis are sublime
  
• Get out of handcuffs - Maybe, I keep a handcuff key in my pocket just in case!
  

Two out of sixteen is pretty appalling! Unless my 'adventure' revolved around a horse and a wet bar, I'd be pretty stumped!

So the verdict is inarguable: I'd make a pretty terrible adventure hero (as it currently stands!)

Of course, the fact that I'm not an adventure hero and will probably have very little reason to ever become one (as I sink even further into suburban serenity) is irrelevant. It's pretty depressing to realize that I'd be woefully inadequate should I ever 'hear the sound of the trumpet' and be called to action.

Therefore, I need to do something about this!

Where to begin, though?

I'll have to give this some serious thought. One thing is certain - I can't be expected to learn all these important adventuring skills overnight!

Out of all of them, though, I think two strike me as the most important. The first is 'Put up a fight.' I really ought to get back into taking a martial art, or joining a boxing gym, as a bit of self defence knowledge is never a bad idea.

The second one would fix several of my inadequacies - simply getting fit. Indiana Jones wouldn't have lasted five minutes against the Nazis if he was as pale and portly as me. I need to get myself in gear so (if the occasion ever called for it) I too could outrun a boulder or swim across the ocean to a descending U-Boat (you never know - it might happen!)

Well, watch this space. Reinventing myself as an adventure hero is just beginning

Indiana Jones and the Staff of Kings

Unfortunately, what with a new baby, we're lacking both the spare time and the spare money to 'invest' in a video games console. It's a pity, though. The Nintendo Wii looks like a ton of fun. Although it's not as powerful as the new generation of super consoles like the Playstation 3 or the X-box 360, it's inherently superior for one simple reason - you get to 'do' things with it.

You see, the secret appeal of the Wii (which is making it the best-selling video games console by a wide margin) is that you control it actively - waving the control 'nunchucks' around to get your onscreen character to do things, instead of using just your thumbs on a traditional games console.


This is especially exciting when it comes to upcoming new games like Indiana Jones and the Staff of Kings - because you don't just get to control Indy as he roams around China and other exotic locales. You get to actually crack his whip, throw his punches and basically do all the stuff Indy does. After a good session fighting the Nazis and saving the world, you'll end up just as sweaty and exhausted as Dr Jones does!


This new level of interactivity, pioneered by the Nintendo Wii, is the way forward with video games. I can't wait until we get games like Grand Theft Auto with fully interactive controls. Instead of complaining about couch potatoes wasting time on video-games, they'll be an essential part of our fitness routine!

Indiana Jones and the Staff of Kings is going to be released on June 9th. Maybe I'll have a Wii by then!

Set Pieces and Fan Service?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Was it worth waiting 20 years for?

Well, the latest Indy adventure has been equally panned and praised in the papers and online. You can read an excellent (if scathing) review of it here, at Haunted Jo's review site.

Personally, I enjoyed it immensely. From the opening scenes onwards, the film was cleverly scripted, beautifully filmed and wonderfully acted. There were certain bits that stuck in my craw, but for the most part, I think it was a beautiful way to wrap up the Indy franchise.

Harrison Ford was great - living up to Indiana Jone's motto of 'it's not the years, it's the mileage.' Doing most of his own stunts - and kicking most of his own butt - Ford once again gave us the Indy we loved from our childhood. Brilliant, charming, eccentric, absent minded, tough, resourceful and funny. The years have made him a bit creakier and grumpier, but that just added to the charm of this very believable character (even if he is doing totally unbelievable things.)
The bits that ticked my boxes - like the history, the cars and the 50's period setting - were pitch perfect (except for an out-of-place 70's era Harley Davidson.)

The only things I really didn't like were some slightly overly ridiculous action sequences (only two of them, but enough to shatter my 'suspension of disbelief') and the hokey plot (aliens?)

What lets the whole movie down is the fact that the beginning is so much better than the end, which means audiences leave the theatre forgetting that they spent 75% of the movie on the edge of their seats.

But on the whole? Wonderful and engaging popcorn fodder.

To most of the detractors, I say this: After twenty years wait, could any movie Spielberg and Lucas put together possibly live up to your expectations?

The Good

Indiana Jones vs. Nuclear Explosion - I can't wait for the slew of newspaper headlines when impressionable young kids climb inside their refrigerators trying to emulate our hero.

Car Chase through Yale university - Racing '50s era cars and bikes through a peaceful Ivy-league campus (and the school library) is just awesome.

Ray Winston getting punched in the face repeatedly - Note to Spielberg/Lucas: Film could have done with more scenes of Ray Winston getting punched in the face.

Shia LaBeouf dressed up as Marlon Brando on his roaring Harley Davidson - It's also worth noting that Shia's sporting unmistakably ginger-ish hair.

The scene with the quicksand/snake - My ribs still hurt from laughing so much.

The scene with the ants - I challenge you not to squirm.

Lashings of fan service - References to Denholm Elliott and Sean Connery's characters, a cameo by the Ark of the Covenant, Karen Allen kicking butt as Indy's love interest from Raiders of the Lost Ark and that lovely theme music played at every opportunity.

The Bad

Aliens? Roswell? Apparently, after 20 years of Indy rip offs like Tomb Raider and The Mummy, all the vaguely non-hokey script concepts were taken.

Shia LeBeouf playing Tarzan - Feed the guy who came up with THAT idea to the marauding army of killer ants, please.

Ray Winston - Did not get punched in the face enough.

LeBeouf's Harley Davidson - Disc brakes? Hand controls? None of that was available until the mid seventies!

Ray Winston dying while stuffing his pockets full of gold. Cate Blanchett getting her ironic comeuppance at the climax of the movie - I know Spielberg and Lucas invented this genre, but that's still no excuse for recycling this tired material.

The Verdict?

We still love you, Indiana Jones!

Growing old disgracefully...

It's never been cooler to be a septuagenarian.

What with John McCain running for the presidency and Harrison Ford running from the Soviets (in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,) it looks like hitting 'the third age' isn't the handicap it used to be.

I can't wait to see the new Indy movie. Some people treat the 'elderly' with such disdain - forgetting that they've done things and seen things that would blow their socks off.

By the time my father was my age, he'd lived in Jamaica, done the Milan to Turin run in under an hour, driven a Land Rover to Pakistan and helped build a nuclear power station. In comparison, my life's been pretty tame.

Hopefully, seeing Indy practicing his uniquely destructive brand of archeology once again (after a nineteen year absence) will help educate us snotty youngsters that a few creaks and rattles doesn't mean the machinery's ready for the scrap heap.

In the words of Indiana Jones himself - "It's not the years, Honey. It's the mileage."

Indiana Jones is back...

First it was Michael Knight (and KITT.) Then it was Simon Templar. Then James Bond prepared for a November return to the big screen. And now, Indiana Jones - the iconic archeologist - is making his comeback in May's hotly anticipated Indiana Jones the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

I have the trailer right here!



First off - Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? What kind of dumb name is that?

Secondly - as hilarious and action-packed as the trailer looked, I'm worried they're going to be relying too much on Tomb Raider-esque stunts and jumps and not enough on the good, old-fashioned rough-and tumble that made the first three Indy films so outstanding.

But one thing's for certain. Harrison Ford is living proof that you shouldn't right off any action hero just because they've qualified for their bus pass. He looks as good as ever - and more than able to fend off a legion of bad guys!

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Cystal Skull hits cinemas on May 22nd.

Blissful Ignorance

A very disturbing trend I've noticed regarding the upcoming Presidential Election is the enthusiastic embrace of ignorance.

Some people don't like the horrible truth, so they resolutely refuse to accept it - despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

I'm afraid to say it's the conservatives who are the most enthusiastically ignorant. Many conservatives claim that their refusal of rationality is a 'political choice' whereas really, it's just bloody mindedness tinged with stupidity.

The most obvious example of this is Evolution.

Many conservatives - including presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee - reject the 'theory' of Evolution. Some prefer to consider 'intelligent design' - which is a not-mutually-exclusive theory in which the development of man was overseen by some 'higher power'

But others, like Huckabee himself, prefer 'Creationist' theory. This is the belief that the world was created exactly as described in the Bible - over the course of seven days, a little more that seven thousand years ago.

The problem with this 'theory' is that it's bunkum. Utter, preposterous rubbish.

Because 'Evolution' is not just a theory. It's also a fact.

Evolution is Here to Stay

The 'theory' of Evolution was not just invented by Charles Darwin while he was in a drunken stupor aboard The Beagle. It was a theory pieced together through objective examination of the evidence.

Further research - which yielded carbon-dating figures and the bones of dinosaurs and woolly mammoths - proved conclusively that animals have changed and developed over the course of the millenia and the world is considerably more than 7,000 years old.

Now whether you believe mankind developed from monkeys via random selection or the work of some 'higher power' is up to you - but it's a fact that humanity as we know it has walked the earth for 33,000 years before the Bible claimed it did.

Evolution is only a 'theory' in the same way that gravity is a 'theory.' We theorise why a ball thrown into the air will be drawn inextricably to the ground. The fact that it happens - each and every time - is a incontrovertible fact.

So people like Huckabee - who refuse to accept concrete, inarguable facts that blow their religious dogma out of the water - are just willfully, gleefully ignorant. And is that the sort of person we want running the country?

But leaving aside Evolution - which at least has the armour of religious dogma to protect it - let's examine some of the other incontrovertible facts conservatives blissfully ignore.

Global Warming

In the past century, the temperature of the world has gone up by a little more than a single degree centigrade. This is an astonishing rise in temperature and has been linked directly to the increase of so called 'greenhouse gases' accumulating in the atmosphere since the mid 20th century.

Given the industrialisation of the world, it is estimated that the planet's temperature could rise by as much as 6 degrees centigrade in the 21st century.

The world is getting hotter. That's a fact.

Unless, of course, you're a conservative.

Because a large number of conservatives refuse to believe the 'theory' of Global Warming and the mountain of scientific evidence linking man-made greenhouse gases to the rise in temperature.

One of the major reasons to be skeptical of the 'theory' of Global Warming is because it's convenient not to believe. If Global Warming is real, we're in trouble. It will take an expensive and inconvenient revolution to transform the world's industries to be environmentally friendly.

No more gas-guzzling cars. No more smoke-churning factories. It will take research and investment and - worst of all - we might have get up off the sofa to take part in it.

So plenty of people choose to be skeptical - and the conservative right (linked to oil industry investors desperate for us not to believe in Global Warming) are happy to swallow up the cynical propaganda pumped out to keep us skeptical.

I stole this cartoon from CK's Blog and I hope he doesn't mind!

I recommend reading Wikipedia's post on the subject of Climate Change denial. It's pretty scary reading.

Is there any credibility to the Global Warming skepticism? Well the most knowledgeable person I know is a friend of mine, energy conservationist Margo Bettencourt - who says: "Denying that global warming/climate change is real is akin to saying evolution is 'just a theory'. In both cases, those who don't know how to deal with the consequences of an issue deny it's truthiness. We'd all be better off if these naysayers could accept that we came from monkeys and are changing the climate."

Margo is the dictionary definition of a 'smart cookie' and if her opinions are good enough for Colombia University and the city of New York, they easily trump any of the cynical oil-industry funded 'strategic studies groups' [Or SUV owning laymen from the midwest - Editorial Bear.]

Why so dumb?

With things like Evolution, we just have to take the scientist's word for it (the thousands of scientist's words for it, backed up with mountains of incontrovertible evidence.)

For something like Global Warming, the evidence is right there in front of us.

I was born on a snowy day in February in 1978. In recent years, England can go for years without snow appearing. The bookies have even stopped running odds on a 'white Christmas' because what was once a reasonably common occurrence has now simply ceased to happen.

In 2002, I spent Christmas day in a New York snowstorm. This Christmas, I was walking around without a jacket on. Global warming is HERE. It's a FACT and we're all living it and witnessing it with our own eyes.

It just boggles the mind why people would make a conscious decision to ignore what they see right in front of them and instead live a fantasy of political expediency.

The problem the conservatives are creating for themselves with this 'embrace of ignorance' is clear. They're pouring their credibility down the plug hole.

If somebody chooses to ignore a fact, like the parallel between greenhouse gas emissions and rising temperatures, or carbon-dating proving that rocks are millions of years old, it makes you wonder what other incontrovertible truths they're willing to ignore.

I mean, the conservatives tell us that the 'War on Terror' is helping to make America safer. It's the cornerstone of the Republican presidential campaign (have you heard the presidential nominees talk about anything else?)

But are we any safer? And can we take the conservatives' word for it, even if we are?

The economy is another issue. Most conservatives would never vote Democrat because they're the 'party of big spending and tax increases.' Yet history has illustrated through the five recent terms of Republican presidency that Elephants can't balance a chequebook.

Right now, the Republican nominees are bleating about the wonders of Reaganomics. This 'golden age' of the American economy was a balloon that got popped on Black Monday.

Reaganomics is a myth.

In reality, Ronald Reagan plunged America into three trillion dollars worth of debt. While the President delivered tax cuts to the super-rich (slashing a 70% income tax to just 28%) payroll taxes for the average working man actually increased.

His Republican successor, H.W. Bush, similarly won the election on the promise of 'no new taxes' - but reneged on his promise as soon as he'd got his expensive loafers into the Oval Office.

Yet people keep buying into the dreary dogma!

In Conclusion

The embrace of ignorance has got me deeply worried about the upcoming election.

It's a well known fact that most of America votes on blinkered party lines - it's single percentage points of 'swing voters' who make the difference and tip the scales towards a Republican or Democratic president.

But Democracy is a system vulnerable to stupid voters - and there seem to be more of them than ever!

Maybe it's because I have liberal pretensions, or I'm a writer, or I occasionally watched Will & Grace and therefore contributed to the 'pro-gay biased liberal media' or some such rubbish - but I live with a dream of an election fought through open debate, rationality and logic.

Sure, some of our reasons for picking the president are going to be illogical. Some people aren't going to vote for Hillary because she's a woman. Some people are going to vote for Mitt Romney because they mistakenly believe he's really Evil Dead actor Bruce Campbell.

But the big issues? It would be nice if policy was dictated by an objective appreciation of the facts. Unfortunately, there's a powerful movement in conservative America that would happily ignore the inconvenient 'facts' in order to embrace a much more comforting fantasy they call the 'truth.'

As historian Indiana Jones said in The Last Crusade:

"FACT."

"History is the search for fact. Not truth."

"If it's truth you're interested in, Doctor Tyree's Philosophy class is right down the hall."