Ask Militant Ginger

After the success of the last one, it's time for another session of Ask Militant Ginger.

These are genuine questions entered into search engines that have driven people to my blog:

How do you plot out a mystery novel?

An intriguing question! As you know, I'm an obsessive fan of 'plot plans' and planning out stories and novels chapter by chapter before beginning to write them. It's the only way to prevent 'writing yourself into a corner,' which is the Number 1 reason for writer's block.

A mystery novel is one of the harder types of story to write - it has to keep the reader guessing throughout and the payoff at the end has to be both unexpected, but entirely logical.

Acclaimed mystery novelist Ron Lovell has written extensively on this subject and you can find his musings here. The best bit of advice he gives is this: "Be fair with readers—lead them to the solution of the crime methodically, planting clues, and don’t bring someone out of nowhere that the reader does not know or care about."

After all, a mystery novel is just a wordier form of Sudoku. Half of the fun is trying to guess the ending.

In regards to that, therefore, it's important to not just have a crime and a criminal - the author has to create many and varied clues, red herrings, motives and suspects to keep the reader on a merry-go-round right until the final page.

The mystery novel is one of the most challenging and rewarding writing experiences to embark upon. Good luck!

Why can't we get peanuts on the plane?

By far and away, my most-read posting was "Why People with Peanut Allergies Annoy Me,' which was a tongue-in-cheek article about how frustrating it was that the dramatic increase in peanut allergies has caused some airlines to dump the traditional 'in-flight' peanuts and replace them with dreary pretzels.

The reason for this unfortunate move is that even the slightest residue of peanut dust or oil can trigger a possibly fatal reaction in some people. In the enclosed space of an airplane, with constantly recycled air and the lengthy amount of time between stops, a simple bag of peanuts might be a death sentence to some passengers.

Whether that's Darwinism at work or not is subject matter for another post.

Oi! Shut up, Ginger!

I'm not quite sure why that chain of words pointed towards this blog (hopefully it wasn't a suggestion.) However, this common cry in England is something that I've blogged about many times. Try this post if you're curious.

British people hate gingers, for some absurd reason. Add to that an institutionalised complicity in abuse levelled at redhead people and you've got a country that's miserable to grow up ginger in. I've thought about this subject a lot (I was even interviewed on a BBC documentary about it.)

But without my anger at the way I was sometimes treated in the UK, I'd never have got worked up enough to appear on television or even start the Militant Ginger blog. So Nietzsche was right all along!

Is Lily Allen a Mockney?

I love British songbird Lily Allen. Her perky, funny, cynical music is a real breath of fresh air in an increasingly processed and bland industry.

She's a mouthy little bint, though. Failing to mince words, she's attacked Bob Geldof, calling him a sanctimonious prat - and suggested that everybody who bought debutante/amateur porn star Paris Hilton's first album should be rounded up and 'killed off.'

And she's said it all in the most curious 'Lahhhnnndan' (i.e. London) accent.

Is she a fraud?

Well, the answer is YES. Talented she may be, but the working class pretensions are entirely fake. Raised from a showbiz family (she's the daughter of Keith Allen) she was a student at Bedales (where my brother and I went) which is about as far removed from a rough upbringing on London's dirty streets as it's possible to get.

What is Thoughtcat?

That's an excellent question!

Thoughtcat's creator, Richard Cooper, describes it as "a bit more than a blog, yet not quite a magazine."

What that translates to is an arty little corner of the web dedicated to some true literary gems. Top of this list is the work of notorious writer Stephen Miles, whose adventures in competitive writing - recounted in 'All my Own Work' - make for thrilling reading.

Thoughtcat 'published' Mile's hilarious and poignant book through Lulu - so while Richard Cooper might not know quite how to categorise the company, I'd pin it as a daring and innovative publisher on the forefront of the Print on Demand revolution.

Check out their site - and Stephen Mile's book, here.

Do ginger people smell?

What an offensive question!

If anything, I smell slightly of Hugo Boss cologne and Lynx deodorant. But in general, I don't think I smell any different to anybody else!

However, there are claims that 'ginger' people (as in redheads) have a slightly different 'body odor' smell to them than other people. Slightly more 'metallic' is one way it's been described.

Whether there's any truth to that, I couldn't like to speculate.

It's worth pointing out that Japanese people claim westerners smell like 'sour milk' because of our high dairy diets. If there is any difference in 'smell,' it's almost certainly for a dietary reason than any kind of genetics.

Do pretzels contain nuts?

Considering most airlines have replaced peanuts with pretzels, we can only hope they don't - otherwise the problem they're trying to solve (peanut allergies) will still plague them.

According to my sources, the delicious salty pretzel, a southern German treat dating back to the twelfth century, is actually made from nothing more potent than wheat flour and yeast. The dough is twisted into the distinctive 'pretzel' shape and then dipped in sodium hydroxide or sodium carbonate (plus a sprinkling of course ground salt) prior to baking.

A very low fat, low calorie snack, pretzels can either be cooked as fluffy, doughy 'bread' (which is often eaten with spicy German mustard) or as tiny, hard snacks about the same size as crisps or potato chips.

While the factories in which they're made might also produce peanut snacks (cross contamination is always a risk) it is generally safe to assume that pretzels contain no traces of nuts whatsoever and are perfectly safe to eat.

What are the Torchwood Headsets? What is Captain Jack's Bluetooth?

In brimming-with-potential-but-in-actuality-dire Doctor Who spinoff Torchwood, the dashing Captain Jack Harkness is famous for his billowing 1940's RAF greatcoat (as my brother described it - just a 'great coat') and his bluetooth headset, which is permanently attached to his right lughole.

According to my extensive research, the headset Captain Jack uses is actually hand built by the BBC prop department for the show. Other character, such as the deary Ianto, use a Jabra BT250v or similar brand.

What are the New Jersey Department of Motor Vehicle rules on traffic circles?

Despite the fact that they're gaily building more and more of them across the great state of New Jersey, when it comes to the rules regarding traffic circles (what we Brits call roundabouts) they're wonderfully vague.

I quote:

New Jersey Motor Vehicle Commission, Driver Manual, Chapter 4, Page 38: There are not [sic] set rules for driving into, around and out of a traffic circle in New Jersey.

So there you have it. Enter at your own peril.

Fin

And finally, because while we all hate Torchwood, we LOVE Captain Jack, here is a gratuitous photograph of John Barrowman as 'Cap'n Jack' at the Plass Roald Dahl in Cardiff.

For the record - so I don't need to mention it in the next edition of Ask Militant Ginger - the car in the background is a modified Range Rover (not a Land Rover or Freelander as many people have suggested) and the revolver Jack's holding is a World War 2 era Webley.

See you next time!