Television shock!

On the surface of it, America remains superficially similar to Britain. We speak a (fairly) similar language and most of the things a civilized man craves (pork scratchings and gin) are available if you know where to look.

That does mean, however, that when you run into one of the the few cultural differences between the UK and USA, they really hit you by surprise. One such example is television:



Television back in England is a pretty decent affair. Not overly commercialized, full of original programming and with a 10pm watershed to make sure the kids didn't see anything naughty. A very satisfactory arrangement, in fact.

I'd even go as far as saying, having spent time in various countries, that British TV remains the best of all of them (although I do have a fondness for German telly, which tended to show soft core pornography after midnight.)

This is the sort of 70s-era, grainy, gratuitous titillation German TV features after midnight on most of their TV channels.

Okay, when I was growing up there were only four TV channels in the UK, but they were still pretty good channels. Best of all, BBC1 and BBC2 didn't have any commercials and Channel 4 showed most of the American TV shows I wanted to watch (with only a single commercial break in the middle.)

This screen used to be on the BBC during the middle of the night. I think it's called the 'Test Card.' Nobody explained why the little girl was playing naughts and crosses against an creepy disembodied clown. It gave me nightmares.

It was all those American TV shows whet my appetite for American TV. Programs like Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Frasier made me think that all American TV was going to be similarly slick, polished and entertaining. When I first moved to the states - to an apartment that had Direct TV, no less - I was enormously excited at the prospect of over 150 channels of all-American entertainment.

Nobody in the UK 'got' Seinfeld, but we all thought Frasier was hysterical. It was a comedy of snobbery that translated sublimely to us class-obsessed Brits.

But, much to my horror, the reality didn't live up to the hype.

Sure, I now had hundreds of channels - but what they were filled with was a big shock for somebody used to the uncommercialized style of British TV.

For a start, American TV is prudish. Ridiculously so. Nudity - even so much as a nipple or buttock - is strictly verboten. Presumably, the guardians of American morality fear such wilful acts of nakedness might corrupt the youngsters plonked in front of the television for hours by neglectful parents.

When Janet Jackson flashed a (covered) nipple during the Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime show, the FCC fined the network $550,000 for 'indecency.' The nipple was revealed for exactly nine sixteenths of a second.

Secondly, American TV is violent. Nudity might be banned, but blood, gore and guts isn't. In England, horror films like Hannibal are banned until the 10pm 'watershed.' In America, you'll often see them shown uncut (except for aforementioned nudity) at 10am!

The 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre,' which features no nudity or sex, is deemed perfectly acceptable fare to sit the kids in front of while you have a natter on the telephone to your mum.

Next, you'll find that American TV is stuffed full of commercials. There are three or four minutes of commercials between shows - and then between the opening credits! Immediately after the opening credits, you'll have another commercial break - then at least two more before the end of the show. To drag the whole thing down to the level of farce, you'll find a final commercial break wedged between the end of the show and the final credits!

If that wasn't bad enough, there's so much dead-air on 150+ channels that hours of airtime are sold over to 'infomercials.' These are basically fifteen minute commercials, advertising fitness machines and vacuum cleaners. Some of the more obscure channels, like the Sci-Fi Channel, basically run 'paid programming' for at least six hours a day - making the already annoyingly commercialized channels basically unwatchable.

Everything offered in America infomercials is priced at $19.99 except, ironically, the one example I'd decided to show you.

But lets imagine you do manage to find your favorite show and work up the patience to sit through the insipid commercial breaks. Next comes more idiocy from the television networks:

Let's say you like Knight Rider, which is on NBC (that's button #4, folks.) It's scheduled for 7pm every Wednesday - or so you'd think...

Except, instead of having a new episode every Wednesday, they're seemingly randomized. One Wednesday, you'll have an 'all-new Knight Rider episode!' The next week, it'll be a repeat, or something else entirely. In fact, it's only via a combination of clairvoyance and computer surveillance that you'll be able to keep track of your favorite show at all (which is, ironically, why many popular shows get terrible ratings and pulled off the air.)

Knight Rider - pornography for petrol heads.

Let's not forget the final injury to all this insult: The fact that you're paying for all this.

TV in America isn't free (unless you want just six channels of 'all-infomericals, all the time.') 93% of Americans sign up to a cable or satellite TV company like DirectTV.com to get even 'basic' cable packages.

This existing setup is so frustrating that it's spawned a monster - subscription TV.

It shows you can only push people so far. Now, instead of all the commercial rubbish, if you sign up for Cable or Direct Satellite TV, you can pay a monthly premium to get 'special' channels - like Showtime, Starz and HBO (which stands for Home Box Office.)

These are channels which show hit movies, totally uncut and uncensored, without commercial interruption. They also have some awesome original TV shows, like the Sopranos, Sex and the City and my personal favorite, The Tudors.

The Tudors - packed with all the nudity, violence and gross historical liberties that today's demanding Direct TV audience demands.

All these shows do filter down to 'regular' television at some point, but by that time, they're been hacked up and split into commercial-filled chunks, the nudity's been shredded and the swearing's been bleeped. Most people think it's worth the money to get them promptly and unadulterated.

In addition, Cable television and DirecTV offers the ability to record shows on digital boxes, meaning you can watch them whenever you want and even fast-forward commercials. It makes me wonder how those remaining channels which support themselves through advertising revenue manage to sell spots any more, since people can just flip right through them.

But while Cable television and DirecTV deals in a different level of television entertainment, the drawback to all those goodies is the fact that you have to pay primo dinero for them. A full Cable package can run you over $100 a month - every month! And there's no such thing as discount DirecTV - although the deals they offer these days, for about $35 of month, include those fancy gadgets I talked about the like the recordable digital TV box.

Wifey and I get a package which includes telephone, Internet and cable TV. That way, it's fairly cost effective. If we didn't have the 'package,' though, we wouldn't pay for cable at all. I'd just read a book or watch DVDs!

In any event, I've discovered that American TV is a thoroughly different animal to British 'telly.' It's more expensive, it's more commercialized and it's just more complicated. There are hundreds of extra channels, but seemingly not that much more to watch on them!

With digital 'Free View' boxes and the increasing popularity of Direct Satellite TV in the UK, I wonder if the situation in America is a foreshadowing of what's going to happen in Britain. I hope not. The few British TV shows we do get (like the wonderful Doctor Who) are not only a slice of nostalgia for me - they're also a reminder that some things are better when you don't commercialize the crap out of them.