Television shock!

On the surface of it, America remains superficially similar to Britain. We speak a (fairly) similar language and most of the things a civilized man craves (pork scratchings and gin) are available if you know where to look.

That does mean, however, that when you run into one of the the few cultural differences between the UK and USA, they really hit you by surprise. One such example is television:



Television back in England is a pretty decent affair. Not overly commercialized, full of original programming and with a 10pm watershed to make sure the kids didn't see anything naughty. A very satisfactory arrangement, in fact.

I'd even go as far as saying, having spent time in various countries, that British TV remains the best of all of them (although I do have a fondness for German telly, which tended to show soft core pornography after midnight.)

This is the sort of 70s-era, grainy, gratuitous titillation German TV features after midnight on most of their TV channels.

Okay, when I was growing up there were only four TV channels in the UK, but they were still pretty good channels. Best of all, BBC1 and BBC2 didn't have any commercials and Channel 4 showed most of the American TV shows I wanted to watch (with only a single commercial break in the middle.)

This screen used to be on the BBC during the middle of the night. I think it's called the 'Test Card.' Nobody explained why the little girl was playing naughts and crosses against an creepy disembodied clown. It gave me nightmares.

It was all those American TV shows whet my appetite for American TV. Programs like Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Frasier made me think that all American TV was going to be similarly slick, polished and entertaining. When I first moved to the states - to an apartment that had Direct TV, no less - I was enormously excited at the prospect of over 150 channels of all-American entertainment.

Nobody in the UK 'got' Seinfeld, but we all thought Frasier was hysterical. It was a comedy of snobbery that translated sublimely to us class-obsessed Brits.

But, much to my horror, the reality didn't live up to the hype.

Sure, I now had hundreds of channels - but what they were filled with was a big shock for somebody used to the uncommercialized style of British TV.

For a start, American TV is prudish. Ridiculously so. Nudity - even so much as a nipple or buttock - is strictly verboten. Presumably, the guardians of American morality fear such wilful acts of nakedness might corrupt the youngsters plonked in front of the television for hours by neglectful parents.

When Janet Jackson flashed a (covered) nipple during the Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime show, the FCC fined the network $550,000 for 'indecency.' The nipple was revealed for exactly nine sixteenths of a second.

Secondly, American TV is violent. Nudity might be banned, but blood, gore and guts isn't. In England, horror films like Hannibal are banned until the 10pm 'watershed.' In America, you'll often see them shown uncut (except for aforementioned nudity) at 10am!

The 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre,' which features no nudity or sex, is deemed perfectly acceptable fare to sit the kids in front of while you have a natter on the telephone to your mum.

Next, you'll find that American TV is stuffed full of commercials. There are three or four minutes of commercials between shows - and then between the opening credits! Immediately after the opening credits, you'll have another commercial break - then at least two more before the end of the show. To drag the whole thing down to the level of farce, you'll find a final commercial break wedged between the end of the show and the final credits!

If that wasn't bad enough, there's so much dead-air on 150+ channels that hours of airtime are sold over to 'infomercials.' These are basically fifteen minute commercials, advertising fitness machines and vacuum cleaners. Some of the more obscure channels, like the Sci-Fi Channel, basically run 'paid programming' for at least six hours a day - making the already annoyingly commercialized channels basically unwatchable.

Everything offered in America infomercials is priced at $19.99 except, ironically, the one example I'd decided to show you.

But lets imagine you do manage to find your favorite show and work up the patience to sit through the insipid commercial breaks. Next comes more idiocy from the television networks:

Let's say you like Knight Rider, which is on NBC (that's button #4, folks.) It's scheduled for 7pm every Wednesday - or so you'd think...

Except, instead of having a new episode every Wednesday, they're seemingly randomized. One Wednesday, you'll have an 'all-new Knight Rider episode!' The next week, it'll be a repeat, or something else entirely. In fact, it's only via a combination of clairvoyance and computer surveillance that you'll be able to keep track of your favorite show at all (which is, ironically, why many popular shows get terrible ratings and pulled off the air.)

Knight Rider - pornography for petrol heads.

Let's not forget the final injury to all this insult: The fact that you're paying for all this.

TV in America isn't free (unless you want just six channels of 'all-infomericals, all the time.') 93% of Americans sign up to a cable or satellite TV company like DirectTV.com to get even 'basic' cable packages.

This existing setup is so frustrating that it's spawned a monster - subscription TV.

It shows you can only push people so far. Now, instead of all the commercial rubbish, if you sign up for Cable or Direct Satellite TV, you can pay a monthly premium to get 'special' channels - like Showtime, Starz and HBO (which stands for Home Box Office.)

These are channels which show hit movies, totally uncut and uncensored, without commercial interruption. They also have some awesome original TV shows, like the Sopranos, Sex and the City and my personal favorite, The Tudors.

The Tudors - packed with all the nudity, violence and gross historical liberties that today's demanding Direct TV audience demands.

All these shows do filter down to 'regular' television at some point, but by that time, they're been hacked up and split into commercial-filled chunks, the nudity's been shredded and the swearing's been bleeped. Most people think it's worth the money to get them promptly and unadulterated.

In addition, Cable television and DirecTV offers the ability to record shows on digital boxes, meaning you can watch them whenever you want and even fast-forward commercials. It makes me wonder how those remaining channels which support themselves through advertising revenue manage to sell spots any more, since people can just flip right through them.

But while Cable television and DirecTV deals in a different level of television entertainment, the drawback to all those goodies is the fact that you have to pay primo dinero for them. A full Cable package can run you over $100 a month - every month! And there's no such thing as discount DirecTV - although the deals they offer these days, for about $35 of month, include those fancy gadgets I talked about the like the recordable digital TV box.

Wifey and I get a package which includes telephone, Internet and cable TV. That way, it's fairly cost effective. If we didn't have the 'package,' though, we wouldn't pay for cable at all. I'd just read a book or watch DVDs!

In any event, I've discovered that American TV is a thoroughly different animal to British 'telly.' It's more expensive, it's more commercialized and it's just more complicated. There are hundreds of extra channels, but seemingly not that much more to watch on them!

With digital 'Free View' boxes and the increasing popularity of Direct Satellite TV in the UK, I wonder if the situation in America is a foreshadowing of what's going to happen in Britain. I hope not. The few British TV shows we do get (like the wonderful Doctor Who) are not only a slice of nostalgia for me - they're also a reminder that some things are better when you don't commercialize the crap out of them.

Online Showreel

AMENDMENT: Due to website traffic issues, copyright concerns and the fact that it looked terrible, I have canned my ambitious 'online showreel' ideas until I can actually read "Website Management For Dummies" and get it working properly.

I'm all up for getting some transatlantic agencies interested in my blistering writing skills. But a childish grasp of HTML and links that time out after two listens don't really illustrate "attention to detail."

Somebody once said: "If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing right." Alternatively, that could be: "If a job's done half-arsed, maybe it wasn't worth doing in the first place."

Watch this space. My Online Showreel will right again.

In the interests of facilitating future transatlantic recruitment, I have assembled an intricate Online Showreel of commercials I've written.

Unfortunately my slightly sketchy WebHost has forbidden anybody from studying it. Apparently they think the whole idea of OTHER PEOPLE visiting your website to be an aberration.

So until I have figured that stuff out, I have knocked up a temporary showreel using good ol' blogger. Please feel free to go and have a listen to a few commercials I have put together here.

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I've only put up a few because it's quite labour intensive and obviously I don't want to propagate the web with copyright material. However hopefully these commercials are a good indication of my writing experience and will put me in good stead with any agencies or companies considering hiring me in the future.

How to become a Voice Over Artist

Every single day, the postman delivers dozens of CD's to the radio station.

There are the latest singles from the hottest artists. There are tracks from aspiring pop stars and local bands, desperate to get on air. There are the latest production music CDs...

And then there are the CD's from aspiring Voice Over artists, looking to break into the world of commercials.

Which is why these CD's end up on my desk.

Now, with all the production CD's I get, plus the hectic schedule of writing ads and sending them off for production, the time I have to listen to aspiring VO's and their home made showreels is limited. But I work with Voice Over artists (via the production gurus in Nottingham) pretty much every day, so I thought I'd present some advice on how to get into the Voice Over game.

What is a Voice Over?

It sounds like a cushtie gig, being a Voice Over artist. You sit in a studio and read off a piece of paper. Your voice gets recorded. You receive a cheque and toddle off to the pub. Then, while you're waiting for your kebab, you hear your voice over the radio.

And that's pretty much it. Somebody has to read the commercials for Koi Carp and Dodgy Sofas. And if you've got a decent voice, why can't it be you?

If that's what you're thinking, you should be aware that plenty of other people have thought it as well. That's why getting into Voice Over work is a surprisingly difficult and competitive business.

But it can be worth it.

Established voice over artists can make quite a respectable income through voice work. The VO's we use tend to record five or six commercials in a sitting (for transmission to several different stations across the country) and get paid about £20 for each. Depending on the size of the station, this rate can go up quite sharply. Your voice on a national advert, or broadcast on Capital FM in London, could theoretically earn you an Equity rate of several hundred pounds.

Before you get too excited, though, be aware that the rates for Voice Work are only as high as the production companies are willing to pay. It's such a competitive business that if you're not willing to work for the fee they're offering, the chances are somebody else will. So don't get dollar signs in your eyes when I tell you about Capital FM and Equity Rates. If you're able to get into Voice Work, you can expect about £15 to £20 per commercial you record.

Top Ten Tips for Breaking into the Voice Over Business

1: Produce a Show Reel CD. This is a bit of a no brainer. Unless you get your Show Reel out there, nobody will hear your voice and 'discover' you. But the biggest mistake most aspiring Voice Overs make is sending out crap.

Radio stations get hundreds of CD's sent to them every day. A blank CD burnt on your home PC, with 'Dave's Showreel' scrawled on it in marker pen, is going straight into one of those mysterious filing cabinets all radio stations have (which are full of crappy CD's dating back to the early nineties.)

If you're trying to convince a producer that you're a hard working, professional Voice Over, make sure professionalism just drips off your CD. Invest in some smart jewel cases and CD labels and produce something good looking. A cost effective method is to buy some of those plastic wallets and print out colour CD labels. That will look neat and professional.

Make sure WITHOUT FAIL that your name, email address and telephone/ISDN number are printed on your CD. Because your letter and jewel case will go missing. Guaranteed. Even if your CD gets played and your voice is good, nobody is going to root through the trash for your telephone number.

A picture is a good idea, too - even if you have 'a face for radio.' Just try to avoid the kooky gurning or red-eyed, blurry pictures of you in the pub. You think it's unique and original. So did all the other chumps who sent in practically identical photos.

2: Invest in ISDN. ISDN is a high quality phone connection that enables you to link directly to a production studio and talk in real time at CD quality. Most professional VO artists have ISDN set up in their home and work from a 'studio.' (This studio often doubles as an office, bedroom or landing!) If you don't have ISDN, the only way to record your voice at the required quality is to actually go to a studio at a radio station or production company and record your work there. That is expensive and inconvenient. For that reason, producers will never normally select a VO artist unless they have ISDN at home. So don't shoot yourself in the foot. If you can afford it, invest in ISDN. You'll find your opportunities severely limited if you don't.

3: Get some Experience. It's a catch 22 situation. Producers want a voice over artist with experience, who knows what to do and can deliver it quickly and efficiently. Producers are incredibly busy people (hell, I know ours are) and it's often unwise to risk an untested Voice Over when recording ads. An experienced Voice Over can shoot through a script in a couple (more like a dozen) reads. An inexperienced Voice Artist will need to be led through the script line by line. Producers don't have time for this, so they'll always take an experienced voice over a green one.

So to give yourself a head start, get some experience. You might have to bite the bullet and offer your VO services for free at first (in which case a producer might be more willing to give you the guidance you require.) Alternatively, a great way to practice can be found at your local library, where they often accept volunteers to read newspapers and books onto CD or tape for the visually impaired.

4: It's a Numbers Game. The legendary Gif Gifford put sales into a very simple equation. If you ask 100 people to buy your product and one accepts, you've made one more sale than if you asked nobody. When soliciting for VO work, you're basically selling yourself and it's exactly the same numbers game. There are 500 commercial radio stations in the UK, plus lots of RSL (temporary radio licences awarded for short periods) and plenty independentant production companies (like Mutt 'N' Jeff.)

Send out your showreel to all of them. You can get the addresses from www.yell.com or other places on the internet. And once you've mailed them your showreel, don't be afraid to pick up the phone and give them a call.

5: Find a name. If you just write the station name on the envelope, your showreel will end up on that pile of mail the receptionist opens (at big stations) or the work experience lad tears open (and most stations.) If you can find out who does the commercial production, or the name of a producer, make sure to address the envelope to them. Then it will at least hit the desk of somebody who's in the chain. Try looking at the station's website for the appropriate name or, failing that, send them an email or pick up the phone.

One thing I learned in radio: Everybody has an ego. If I get an envelope with my name on it, I'll treat it with a lot more seriousness than just another jiffy bag marked: "Comm Prod."

6: Be Polite. One other thing I learned in radio. It's a small business and if you piss somebody off, it'll almost certainly come back to bite you in the arse. People swap companies, change stations... Whoever it is, if they stick around in the radio game, you'll run into them again. I often meet my old boss Tim Nice in Badger Farm Sainsburys.

So if you are lucky enough to get some voice work, do everything ask of you with enthusiasm and dedication. Be polite. Because I have it on authority that a difficult voice over will not be given more work if there's another VO available - and if this guide teaches you anything, it's that there are PLENTY of other people out there wanting to take your Voice Over contracts for themselves.

Producers are very, very busy people. Being professional, polite and flexible is the quickest way to establish yourself as a good bet whenever they need a voice.

7: Be Online. With broadband and ISDN, producers don't rely on piles of CD's to find their production tracks or voice artists. Websites like KPM and BMG Zomba allow them to download tracks at broadcast quality. One site in particular, Voiceovers.co.uk, allows them to do the same with voice artists.

If you are serious about Voice Over work, sign up to voiceovers.co.uk. It will establish your credibility and enable producers to find you quickly and easily. Signing up there wonnecessarilyily make your career as a voice artist - but it will get you some work from producers who don't know you and offer a useful route for producers who do.

Another option is a website with your information and showreel on. List your experience and update your showreel when and if you can. It's a good thing to include the website address on your showreel CD so producers can find out a bit more about you.

Like with your showreel CD, the more professional your website looks and sounds, the more seriously it will be taken. If you're not a professional website designer, think about using something like myspace.com to highlight your work. It will allow you to have a smart, clean looking presence on the web without a degree in HTML.

8: Be Good. This sounds like another no brainer, but it's not. Sure, you might talk all day long, but that doesn't mean you'll be a good voice over artist. Practice. Get experience. Take criticism and guidance from producers. Do whatever it takes to improve your voice. One good idea is to record yourself reading a passage from a book and play it back. If you listen objectively, you'll be able to quickly identify what parts of your delivery need work.

Newsreaders get coached on how to speak, so I don't see why Voice Overs shouldn't have to as well. There are courses available and you would be surprised at how much they can improve the way you perform.

9. Be different. I just broke all of the above rules. I called up a Voice Over artist. I paid him above the odds. And he didn't have ISDN. We actually had to bring him into the studio to record his lines.

The fact is, the guy had an entirely natural Caribbean accent and experience doing voice overs for the BBC. When I wrote a script for Southampton's only Caribbean restaurant, his was the only voice that would fit the bill. Because there's nothing worse than somebody pulling a fake accent and demanding to get paid twenty quid for it.

If you have a different accent or a unique spin on things, you may well find that your accent earns a premium. But be careful. The same reason your accent is in demand might well be the reason your voice isn't chosen for more mundane projects.

10. Be lucky. At the end of the day, there are so many reasons why some people make a good living from being a VO and some more talented people don't. But one of the major ones has to be luck. Luck running into the right scriptwriter or producer. Luck at getting your showreel into the right hand. In fact, it's an entirely arbitory process.

The sad fact is, voice overs get work every single day. Watch TV? Each advert has two or three voice overs on it. The same for radio. But the truth?

Nobody got famous from voicing a washing powder commercial. And if one voice wasn't there. Wasn't good. Wasn't affordable... They weren't picked. Somebody else was.

Well, that's not strictly true. Remember Tony the Tiger? They're Grrrreat?

The guy who voiced the commercials was called Thurl Ravenscroft. And he did the voice over for the world's favourite tiger since 1951.

So maybe I'm wrong. Maybe somebody did get famous from voicing commercials. And maybe the next Thurl Ravenscoft is you. So get up and get your showreels into the postbox.