The Brand of Jesus

It wasn't Ava who woke me up at an ungodly hour this morning. It was the sound of hammering on my bedroom wall. Blearily peering around the door, I discovered my mother in law had erected this monstrosity in our kitchen:

Just in case you're wondering, yes. This IS a plastic veneer clock featuring a chintzy picture of Jesus and his Disciples at The Last Supper. Mom (or as Tina calls her, Maaaaaa!) discovered it in our basement and moved it upstairs: "So Jesus would give you a little luck."

Which is a really sweet idea - although I thought it was leprechauns that went around doling out luck. Jesus kind of stuck to salvation and other big, important spiritual matters.

In any event, I'm not a big fan of the clock. It's cheap, tacky and plastic. I'm sure Jesus would not be too impressed that his image was inexpensively printed on it. Tina has interpreted my dislike of the clock as good, old fashioned Episcopalian distaste for iconography. In actual fact, it's far less complicated than that.

Who owns Jesus' copyright?

Having worked in the media for the last few years, I've had the chance to work with some reasonably famous celebrities (big names, like Nasty Nick from Season 1 of Big Brother.) One thing's for sure. If some shoddy Chinese factory started churning out crappy plastic clocks with, for example, Ricky Gervais' mug printed on them, there'd be a court case brewing before you can say: "Flanimal."

But poor Jesus - arguably the ultimate celebrity - doesn't have the protection a good Agent and a retinue of lawyers grants most famous people. For the last two thousand years, his likeness has been plastered over everything from priceless gold-leafed bibles to the crappy clock that's presently disgracing my kitchen wall.

It's not just his picture, either. Any good Catholic will criticize you for taking the Lord's name in vain (When I hit my thumb with a hammer, I've adapted to yelling the less offensive: Jesus H. Corbett!)

Yet poor old Jesus has his name attached to all sorts of ridiculous campaigns, including those of the highly offensive Westboro Baptist Church - who proclaim: "Thank God for Improvised Explosive Devices" - their protest against the war in Iraq - and run a website called "Godhatesfags.com" - which promotes the idea that homosexuality should be a capital crime.

I just think it's wrong. Very, very wrong. Whether you believe he was the Son of God or not, it's pretty much accepted that Jesus was a real person living in real times (try reading the excellent Werner Keller book The Bible as History to draw your own conclusions.) Surely it's not quite right that his image, name and personal brand get plastered over all sorts of eclectic products and campaigns.

It's not even his image half the time. Jesus was a Jewish carpenter growing up in the Holy Land. He was probably a stocky, swarthy little man - instead of the dashing, blue eyed Robert Powell lookalike that the Catholics seem to think he is.

If the peddlers of these products really call themselves Christians, they should quit adjusting Jesus' likeness and what we know of his beliefs to suit their own commercial purposes - or, at the very least, they should consider what Jesus might think about his mug being plastered all over something Made in China.

I think this is why the whole iconography thing slightly freaks me out - and not just because I now have Jesus and Chums staring down at me from my kitchen wall as I eat my pancakes.