Off to Rioja

This week, I'll be accompanying the amazing folks over at Wine Portfolio to La Rioja, to explore the wine industry there, visit some local bodegas and even go hot air ballooning (how steampunk!)

Of course, it's absurdly exciting - and I'll hope to keep you informed every step of the way! If I don't post here, you can see what the Wine Portfolio crew is doing live by following them on Twitter or 'liking' their Facebook page.

Logrono - La Rioja's capital city

Holy Freakin' Nuts! Why people with a Peanut Allergy annoy me.

This is going to be a slightly controversial post, because it focuses on a very real medical condition and how much it annoys me.

Peanut Allergy.

I used to be sympathetic to people with a peanut allergy. After all, it's a horrific condition. All it takes is a few molecules of peanut to set it off and an allergic reaction can cause rashes, difficulty breathing and, in some cases, death.

It's a dangerous allergy and it's increasing. That's why you'll find just about all pre-packaged products with labels reading: "Free from Nuts" or "Made in same Factory as Nut Products." This allows people with the allergy to swiftly identify what they can and can't eat.

First thing that really annoys me about people with a Peanut Allergy: Why the hell do they have warnings like "May Contain Nuts" on packets of bloody peanuts? It's just stupid! If somebody with a peanut allergy picks up a packet of dry roasted and scoffs them down, perhaps it's just Darwinism at work!

Anyway. I fortunately don't have a peanut allergy. In fact, I think I have the opposite. I love peanuts. I could eat them all day long. In fact, one of the experiences I enjoy most is sitting on a plane with an enormous gin and tonic and a bag of salted peanuts.

But I heard a horrific rumour the other day that this simple pleasure would soon be denied to me. In fact, visiting Plane Insanity (an interesting blog about an air steward) I had my fears confirmed. Apparently, if there is a passenger with severe peanut allergy on your red-eye to London, they won't be breaking out the peanuts.

Let me just state that clearly. You cannot have any peanuts on your flight. Because of the one person sitting three rows down who's allergic to them.

Bloody hell! I think this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I'm literally angry with rage! How can you possibly justify denying a man his nuts?

The fact is, if a passenger with a severe peanut allergy boards a flight, there are negligible, but real risks to his health. Remember, all it takes is a few whiffs of peanut scented air and they're puffing up like an adder. And since all the air on a flight is recycled, the danger is increased.

But while I'm sympathetic to the dangers, I demand my rights. I paid £299 for this round trip to New York off Last Minute and I have no intention of anybody denying me my complementary peanuts. Give them to me now! If the bloke in P57 doesn't like it, I'm more than happy to show him how his parachute works.

That's pretty much the Second Thing That Annoys Me About People With a Peanut Allergy.

But then we get the third reason. The one that really annoys me. The one that makes me go purple around the jowls. People who only THINK they have a peanut allergy.

When I was working in Paris, I dealt with about 300 America students and the precautions we took regarding their health made the NHS look like a village Post Office. We had medical forms signed and notarized and full doctor's health records. I knew half of the kid's prescriptions off the top of my head. I knew which ones were ADD or OCD, even if I didn't quite know what those three letter terms meant.

We took the health of our students incredibly seriously.

And one thing I ran into a lot was parents who told me that their kids had a peanut allergy. So we'd take this seriously, make sure their food in the local restaurants was prepared without nuts and generally do everything within our power to keep them healthy.

And then what happened? I have to take a deep breath before I recount this, because it makes the vein in my forehead pulse.

I'd go up to their room in the Pierre et Vacances and find the little sod scoffing down a bowl of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes!

"Oi!" I would shout, sounding a bit like Michael Caine. "What the bloody hell are you doing? You've got a bloody peanut allergy!"

"Mmmmgh," they'd tell me, their mouth full. "Mgh murumph murumph mmmph."

As much as it would have delighted me to rush them to the SAMU and watch the little sod get an andrenalin shot straight through the breastbone, it actually transpired that they ate a bowl of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes every morning and - in actual fact - the nut allergy their parents warned me about was one of the many fictional medical conditions protective parents invent before packing their kids off to study abroad.

So the Third Reason People With a Peanut Allergy Annoy Me (and this is the controversial one) is that some of them actually don't have an allergy at all.

Mind you, I've known a vegetarian with a wheat allergy who stole one of my hamburgers once, so I guess I shouldn't complain.

There. I've said it. I'm sure I will horrify some readers with this rant, but I had to get it off my chest. And please, please, if you've got a peanut allergy and you're flying to Miami or New York, give me advance warning.