Being Clean Gives You Allergies

I've been telling people this for years, but nobody listens. Now it's official. You neat-freaks are hurting the young generation with your cleanliness obsession.

Anti bacterial wipes here. Germ killing sprays there. It seems the only place that isn't as obsessively clean as a surgical ward these days are the actual surgical wards themselves... But that (and the resultant MRSA) is another story.

We live in a very clean world these days - and it terrifies me!

Now I'm not exactly a slob, but I did grow up on a farm, knee-deep in mud and dachshunds. I probably got exposed to more than my share of germs and bacteria. And you know what? It's done me no harm at all.

I don't have allergies, I don't get hay fever - and aside from mussels, I can pretty much wolf down anything without swelling up like Mr Blobby or hurling it all back up again.

But people like me are becoming a minority. A recent report has revealed that five times as many people these days are effected by allergies than just thirty years ago. And what's the causative factor?

Keeping things clean!

In modern Western society, The Germ has taken on a terrifying mantle, scaring parents and little children like the Bogeyman did a hundred years ago. Television adverts warn us that a plastic chopping board contains as many germs as your toilet seat. Domestos and Clorox adverts proudly boast that they kill 99.9% of germs. Everywhere, we're being told that the secret to long life and happiness is to live in a germ free environment - such as a plastic bubble or a giant tupperware container.

Whereas, this report has revealed the exact opposite.

The human body is a complex thing - rather like the plot of an M. Night Shyamalan movie. As the body grows and develops, antibodies spring up to protect us against viruses and bacteria, while the white blood cells develop tolerance the outside influences (such as pollen) that our body gets exposed to every day.

So, at the same time we're learning in school, our bodies are learning about the environment we live in - and developing defences for the 'Bad Things' and giving hall passes to the 'Harmless Things'.

Schoolkids have school books. The human body has exposure to the outside world. Both are vital in order to properly learn. If children aren't exposed to a variety of outside influences, their immune system isn't developed properly. You end up with kids who swell up at the first sign of daffodils - or drop dead because their body hasn't developed antibodies to protect them from a 'harmless' lurgy.

Germs, bacteria, dirt... It's all a vital part of growing up - and yet a whole generation of mothers are wrapping their kids in plastic and not exposing them to the outside environment. They're worried about little babies briefly getting sick. Instead, they're cursing their children to a lifetime of allergies and weakened immune systems.

There's an old expression in Hampshire: "You've got to eat a peck of dirt before you die."

That's reference to parents exposing their children to dirt and mud, to get them used to the world they live in so they grow up big and strong.

If we continue with our obsessive 'germ phobic' lifestyles, future generations of kids are going to be pale, anemic, sickly little things who get ill from stepping outside the door of their bacteria-free, air conditioned, hermetically sealed homes.

So Mums and Dads. Do your kids a favour. Stick 'em out in the garden and let them get a little dirty.

You can read the "Too Clean?" report here

Holy Freakin' Nuts! Why people with a Peanut Allergy annoy me.

This is going to be a slightly controversial post, because it focuses on a very real medical condition and how much it annoys me.

Peanut Allergy.

I used to be sympathetic to people with a peanut allergy. After all, it's a horrific condition. All it takes is a few molecules of peanut to set it off and an allergic reaction can cause rashes, difficulty breathing and, in some cases, death.

It's a dangerous allergy and it's increasing. That's why you'll find just about all pre-packaged products with labels reading: "Free from Nuts" or "Made in same Factory as Nut Products." This allows people with the allergy to swiftly identify what they can and can't eat.

First thing that really annoys me about people with a Peanut Allergy: Why the hell do they have warnings like "May Contain Nuts" on packets of bloody peanuts? It's just stupid! If somebody with a peanut allergy picks up a packet of dry roasted and scoffs them down, perhaps it's just Darwinism at work!

Anyway. I fortunately don't have a peanut allergy. In fact, I think I have the opposite. I love peanuts. I could eat them all day long. In fact, one of the experiences I enjoy most is sitting on a plane with an enormous gin and tonic and a bag of salted peanuts.

But I heard a horrific rumour the other day that this simple pleasure would soon be denied to me. In fact, visiting Plane Insanity (an interesting blog about an air steward) I had my fears confirmed. Apparently, if there is a passenger with severe peanut allergy on your red-eye to London, they won't be breaking out the peanuts.

Let me just state that clearly. You cannot have any peanuts on your flight. Because of the one person sitting three rows down who's allergic to them.

Bloody hell! I think this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I'm literally angry with rage! How can you possibly justify denying a man his nuts?

The fact is, if a passenger with a severe peanut allergy boards a flight, there are negligible, but real risks to his health. Remember, all it takes is a few whiffs of peanut scented air and they're puffing up like an adder. And since all the air on a flight is recycled, the danger is increased.

But while I'm sympathetic to the dangers, I demand my rights. I paid £299 for this round trip to New York off Last Minute and I have no intention of anybody denying me my complementary peanuts. Give them to me now! If the bloke in P57 doesn't like it, I'm more than happy to show him how his parachute works.

That's pretty much the Second Thing That Annoys Me About People With a Peanut Allergy.

But then we get the third reason. The one that really annoys me. The one that makes me go purple around the jowls. People who only THINK they have a peanut allergy.

When I was working in Paris, I dealt with about 300 America students and the precautions we took regarding their health made the NHS look like a village Post Office. We had medical forms signed and notarized and full doctor's health records. I knew half of the kid's prescriptions off the top of my head. I knew which ones were ADD or OCD, even if I didn't quite know what those three letter terms meant.

We took the health of our students incredibly seriously.

And one thing I ran into a lot was parents who told me that their kids had a peanut allergy. So we'd take this seriously, make sure their food in the local restaurants was prepared without nuts and generally do everything within our power to keep them healthy.

And then what happened? I have to take a deep breath before I recount this, because it makes the vein in my forehead pulse.

I'd go up to their room in the Pierre et Vacances and find the little sod scoffing down a bowl of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes!

"Oi!" I would shout, sounding a bit like Michael Caine. "What the bloody hell are you doing? You've got a bloody peanut allergy!"

"Mmmmgh," they'd tell me, their mouth full. "Mgh murumph murumph mmmph."

As much as it would have delighted me to rush them to the SAMU and watch the little sod get an andrenalin shot straight through the breastbone, it actually transpired that they ate a bowl of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes every morning and - in actual fact - the nut allergy their parents warned me about was one of the many fictional medical conditions protective parents invent before packing their kids off to study abroad.

So the Third Reason People With a Peanut Allergy Annoy Me (and this is the controversial one) is that some of them actually don't have an allergy at all.

Mind you, I've known a vegetarian with a wheat allergy who stole one of my hamburgers once, so I guess I shouldn't complain.

There. I've said it. I'm sure I will horrify some readers with this rant, but I had to get it off my chest. And please, please, if you've got a peanut allergy and you're flying to Miami or New York, give me advance warning.