In Defence of the Beckhams

Victoria and David Beckham caused consternation on Tuesday when they enjoyed a 'complimentary' meal at a posh Los Angeles restaurant - and then neglected to tip their waiting staff.

While Channel 2 relabelled Victoria 'Cheap Spice,' I actually sympathised.

Remember, Posh and Becks are not the brightest expatriate Brits to come to these shores - and the etiquette regarding tipping in America is Byzantine.

I'm going to give the Beckhams the benefit of the doubt and assume they made an honest (and common) mistake - they thought their 'free' meal would be exactly that - free.

In reality, American dining involves doing business with two contractors - the ones who prepare your food and the ones who deliver it. Unless you get your noggin around this principle, the tipping system in America makes no sense at all.

How Tipping Works

Typically, in the states, a restaurant pays it's waiters and waitresses below minimum wage and their pay-packet is made up of tips - generally 15% of a meal's cost.

Therefore, the price on the bottom of your 'check' only covers the food and beverages. The payment for getting them delivered is on top of that.

This is why Brits abroad should never make the mistake of 'only tipping for good service.'

If the service was great, by all means tip more. But if you food arrived at your table at all, you are still obliged to leave 15% of the bill to your waiter or waitress. The tip is the price of their service, not a reward.

If service is genuinely bad - and I mean rude, untimely or just plain wrong (and they didn't try to make it up to you) it's acceptable to leave a reduced tip. If you're skimping on a tip merely because the waitress forgot to top up your coffee on her last visit to your table, you're being cheap.

The myth of a 'free meal.'

My father always warned me that 'there's no such thing as a free lunch.'

When it comes to American restaurants, he's absolutely right.

If you, like the Beckhams, ever find yourself receiving a complimentary meal, remember the golden rule of American dining.

Only the food and beverages are free. You still need to pay the price of having it served to you!

This is where David and Victoria got it wrong. They thought (entirely understandably, from a British perspective) that the 'free' meal meant they could keep their wallets in their pockets. 'Free' involves 'no cost.'

In fact, only the chef's side of the bargin was 'free.' The waiting staff still expected to get their payment for serving the celebrity couple.

Once you've got your head around it, the concept is fairly straightforward. It's no different to getting a free item by mail order - you still need to pay the Post Office to deliver it.

I got caught by this myself, when I got a 'free' drink from a bartender, who was then very pissed off that I didn't tip him for pouring it (well, it's not 'free' then, is it?)

It doesn't need to make sense [That's good, since it doesn't - Editorial Bear] - it's just how it is here in America. Learning to tip gracefully is just part of adapting to the American way of life.

After a year in the States, I'm surprised Posh and Becks hadn't realised that.

American Football

Last night, I watched football with my brother-in-law.

American Football, of course. Not the 'real' kind - where people actually use their feet.

But watching two games - the Pittsburgh Steelers against the New York Jets and the Washington Redskins against the Dallas Cowboys - I came to a startling conclusion.

It was good stuff! And this is coming from a confirmed sports-hater. I hate English 'footy.'

Soccer, or what we Brits call Football, is a limp, pathetic game these days. A bunch of coiffured metrosexuals run up and down the pitch, hurling themselves to the ground every time they trip over a blade of grass.

Games are hardly ever won on goals any more. It's normally nil-nil until the end of the game and then it's all decided on a penalty shootout (or what the Americans have dramatically relabelled - SUDDEN DEATH!)

Why do they bother with the 90 minute kick around if it's all decided in the penalty box? It's the same flaw as with Formula 1 (where they could shelve the race and just have a competition to see who can change tyres the fastest.)

It's so dreary and unexciting and there simply isn't any sportsmanship any more.
But American Football?

That's still a GAME.

Take last night's game against the Jets. The Pittsburgh Steelers - one of the finest teams in the National Football League - were on top of them by a good three points until the last few minutes of the 4th quarter. Then the Jets blitzed through their defence - and when it's four 300lb men running at 25mph, that's quite a blitz - and evened the score.

It was nail biting stuff - decided in extended time when the Jets snatched victory with a brilliantly played touchdown.

When was the last time a soccer match had been so exciting?

Although the Jets/Steelers game was nothing compared to the Redskins/Cowboys.

[Cowboys versus Indians? Really? - Editorial Bear.]

Until the final few minutes of the game, the Redskins were on top of the Cowboys. Then, in just a couple of minutes, the tables had been turned by a few clever plays.

Suddenly the Cowboys were ten points up - and emerged victorious.

It's always nail biting stuff. The game twists and turns and underdogs can emerge victorious with a few clever moves.

Soccer vs. Football

What's great about American football is the way it's played.

Like rugby, the goal is to cart that pigskin down across the 'touchline' at the other end of the field. In order to do this, the coaches plan 'plays' - which is where tactics enter into the game that are simply unheard of in football.

The quarterback plays here. He passes to this receiver. He makes a run down this line. It's all planned out in advance.

Like a cavalry charge, each play is plotted out by the offensive line and the defenders try to make a defensive play. There are feints and bluffs and double bluffs and one clever idea can change the course of an entire game.

It's tactical, it's smart and it's exciting.

In comparison, soccer is just an opportunistic kick around. There are no real tactics.

Aside from being a more tactical and exciting game, American Football is also a lot more entertaining. These big 300lb men run like freight trains, hammering into each other in a way that would have David Beckham widdling himself.

Even rugby clashes can't compete with the sheer power of these bulging men as they hurl themselves at each other.

Plus, of course, no American Football game is complete without the stunning antics of the hyperactive cheerleaders. Beautiful girls doing acrobatic things. A neat little reminder that the testosterone filled world of sports is a firmly heterosexual one.

And whether that's politically incorrect or not, it does make a refreshing change from the poncy European soccer players, forever advertising moisturiser and shampoo on television.

American Football. Game on.