Hello everybody! Editorial Bear here...Lehman Brothers, a venerable institution that's been on Wall Street for a century and a half, folded this morning.
Merrill Lynch, a similarly illustrious financial powerhouse, was only given a temporary reprieve by Bank Of America (flush with the money they make giving financial services to illegal immigrants.)
Unsurprisingly, the markets took a nose dive after hearing this news - throwing America back into gloomy uncertainty about the financial future.
Well, worry not. Editorial Bear is here to help you.
In this day and age, it's vital to invest for the future and ensure you have a nest egg to retire on. Militant Ginger, for example, has a 401k (although I've suggested that he'd be better off cashing it in for dollar bills and flushing them one-by-one down the nearest toilet.)
If you're thinking of your economic futures, here are some good investment options:
The Short Term:
In the short term, I definitely recommend investing heavily in lottery tickets, trips to Atlantic City (always bet on red) and plenty of alcohol. When you finally do awaken from your drunken stupor, you'll realise you lost a lot less money than investing in 'aggressive' portfolios.
The Mid Term:
Take up smoking immediately. Increase your alcohol intake. Take up a dangerous sport. These tactics will quickly convert all your 'Mid Term' investment opportunities into 'Short Term' ones.
The Long Term:
Due to financial uncertainty and the upcoming nuclear Apocalypse, the only sensible Long Term investments are canned goods and shotgun shells. Diversify with your own still. Not only will you be able to produce moonshine - you can also brew ethanol fuel to power your generator.
I hope this information has been helpful to you!
Remember - invest wisely!
Regards,
Editorial Bear
3 comments:
I'm going to hide all my money under my mattress AND drink dirty martini lunches!
Aren't you a clever little Editorial Bear?
I'm taking my 401k out and dumping the money into weapons and freeze dried food as we speak.
Next is a trip to Home Depot to get materials for that still and the home brew store as well. Can't mix up the fuel from the fun sauce.
I've got some hockey gear so we're good on the sports side.Also makes great back up weapons.
I'll need to make sure that I keep 7% to pay the border guards when things get bad and we come under martial law.
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