Good Friday, as according to Thomas Jefferson

Good Friday is a Christian religious holiday that marks the cruxification of Jesus and his death on the cross.

It's one of the most important holy days in the Christian faith, since it not only commemorates Jesus 'dying for our sins' but also sets up the celebration of his resurrection the following Sunday.

It's an interesting time of year for me, because as with much of Christian faith, I appreciate the story of Good Friday, but not the superstition surrounding it.

I'm a Christian in that I believe Jesus Christ was a real (albeit mortal) man whose life was at least reflected in the writings of the New Testament - but I'm no "Christian" because I don't believe he was the son of God, I don't believe he "bore our sins in his body" and I certainly don't believe he was resurrected from the dead.

This is an opinion shared by many - including iconic ginger Thomas Jefferson.

Although many ignorant folk celebrate him as a "good Christian American," the second president of this great nation was nothing of the sort.

Although no atheist (he often referenced a higher power, "nature's God" and providence) Thomas Jefferson was definitely no Christian, either - and argued that while there were worthwhile parts of the Gospels, the majority was "the fabric of very inferior minds" and sifting one from the other was like "picking out diamonds from dunghills."

Conservatives will disagree - and cheerfully pluck out-of-context quotes to illustrate Jefferson's supposed Christian faith - but they're wrong.

If you need proof of that, look no further than one of the many remarkable books Thomas Jefferson wrote - the one commonly referred to as "The Jefferson Bible."

The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth was his attempt to rationalize Christian theology with his pragmatic, rational view of the world. To that end, Jefferson carefully consolidated the life of Jesus from the accounts of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John and removed from them all reference to prophecies, superstition and anything supernatural.

Basically, it portrayed Jesus as a human philosopher who preached brotherly love, peace and tolerance - and as such, his "bible" ends on Good Friday, when Jesus died on the cross and his body was gently lifted to the ground by Joseph of Arimathaea.

There was no resurrection. There was no ghostly appearance to the disciples in the upper room. He certainly never encountered Paul of Tarsus on the road to Damascus (and that pretty much confirms what I've always suspected - that Paul was a self-serving parasite whose religious sermons had nothing to do with the teachings or beliefs of Jesus.)

Jesus simply died - murdered cruelly and unfairly for preaching peace and understanding. Which, in many ways, makes his death monumentally more significant. That's why I prefer to think of Good Friday as Jefferson did: The closing chapter of Jesus' life; not the foreshadowing of a comic-book style comeback.

The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth ends like this:

Then Joseph of Arimathaea and Nicodemus took they the body of Jesus, and wound it in linen clothes with the spices, as the manner of the Jews is to bury.

Now in the place where he was crucified there was a garden; and in the garden a new sepulchre, wherein was never man yet laid.

There laid they Jesus, and rolled a great stone to the door of the sepulchre, and departed.

A poignant end to an important story; and a way to make Christianity relevant even to those of us who don't believe in any of the religious mumbo-jumbo related to it.

Happy Zombie Jesus Weekend!

This weekend is the anniversary of several great events - like the birth of Playboy mogul Hugh Hefner (9th April 1926) and the date the United Kingdom first adopted the Union Flag (often incorrectly referred to as the 'Union Jack') as the flag of our great nation (12th April 1606.)

But for most people, it's also the date which marks the entombment and subsequent resurrection of Jesus of Nazareth - a Middle Eastern carpenter whose skill with a mortise and tenon joint was considered so divine, the religion of Christianity was founded around it (or something like that.)

The story of Jesus' death and reanimation is probably the most well-recorded instance of a zombie outbreak in human history. Not only was Jesus raised from the dead three days after being entombed, but according to The Gospel of Matthew (27:51-53) his death was marked by an earthquake during which many other corpses escaped their graves:

At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people.

Back in Biblical times, a zombie-outbreak must have been a pretty scary occurrence and no doubt Jews and Romans alike had their brains eaten by shambling, reanimated corpses (zombies are into equal opportunity evisceration.)

Fortunately, thanks to documentaries like Dawn of the Dead and Shaun of the Dead, we 21st century types are far more educated about how to deal with an outbreak of the walking dead.

So should this Sunday bring about another outbreak of zombiefictation in your neighborhood, here's what to do:

Get All the Answers

To quote the great philosopher, G.I. Joe, 'Knowing is half the battle*' - in this case, being well-versed in all the skills you need to survive a zombie-outbreak is essential. I recommend getting your hands on this book: The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead.


This handy tome has it ALL. Where to hole up, what weapons you'll need and survival tactics for outwitting the shambling, rotting corpses of your neighbors, friends (and, possibly, the symbolic head of your religion.)

If you can't get hold of it, though (Barnes and Noble might be swarming with the living dead) here's what you need to know:

• Zombies have only one purpose - to eat the living flesh and brains of humans. When they are aware of living humans in the proximity, they will ceaselessly attempt to devour them.
• A single bite from a zombie will be fatal, due to overwhelming bacterial contamination (much like the bite of the Komodo Dragon.) Once a person has died from an infected zombie bite, they will be reanimated as a zombie within the course of a the next few hours.
• The only way to successfully kill a zombie is by severing the head or destroying the brain (by bullet, impalement or blunt object trauma.)

That knowledge is pretty much all you need to know to survive a zombie outbreak, although some of my more conservative friends have pointed out the inevitable:

Should another Biblical zombie outbreak occur - perhaps in your town - the survivors will be the ones with guns. Although I've argued against the 2nd Amendment in my past few posts, I realize now that without free and easy access to large caliber handguns, we're all screwed!

I always wondered why so many conservative Christians supported the 2nd Amendment (as they should, technically, be against violence and killing.) Now I do! When they rambled nonsensically about 'home defense,' it wasn't burglars, illegal immigrants or liberals they needed to 'protect' their family from. It was ZOMBIES!

Matthew 27:51, man. It's all there, in black and white. Should have paid attention at Theological College (in my defence, I was studying history.)

So, now I know better - and hopefully you do to! Be prepared, but I hope you all have a zombie-free Easter Weekend!




* the other half of the battle is violence. Bloody, unmitigated violence. Hence why they call it a 'battle.'