Cheerios are no longer my anti-drug...

Is my baby Boozer on drugs?

He is according to the Food and Drug Administration, who today slapped the wrist of cereal-manufacturer General Mills for 'misrepresenting' their flagship breakfast cereal 'Cheerios' (which Boo munches by the tiny fistful.)

In a 'strongly worded' letter, they argued:

Based on claims made on your product's label, we have determined that your Cheerios Toasted Whole Grain Oat Cereal is a drug - your Cheerios product bears the following claim on its label:

• "you can Lower Your Cholesterol 4% in 6 weeks"

This claim indicates that Cheerios is intended for use in lowering cholesterol, and therefore in preventing, mitigating, and treating the disease hypercholesterolemia. It may not be legally marketed with the above claims in the United States without an approved new drug application.

As a result of this appraisal, General Mills have been ordered to dial back their Cholesterol-reducing claims.

What grind my gears is that the FDA didn't demand this because General Mills weren't being honest about their product's potential to reduce Cholesterol ("Cheerios' health claims were not in question," the Financial Times argued.)

The Food and Drug administration had their nose out of joint because General Mills dared to market themselves as 'heart healthy' without first filing a drug application with the great, all powerful (and willfully corrupt) federal poombah known as the FDA.

The more I witness the shenanigans of federal bodies like the FDA and the FCC (who police radio and television broadcasts) the more I shake my head. Lobbyists are rife throughout both organizations and most of their decisions are politically (or financially) motivated.

The FDA's argument that Cheerios should be reclassified as a drug is just the latest strike in a campaign to stamp out any form of health or wellness product that isn't championed by pharmaceutical industry lobbyists (those FDA officials need their kickbacks, after all.)

Even now, they're attempting to have massage oil reclassified as a 'medical device' (for which, of course, you need FDA approval to market) and slap the 'drug' label on vitamins, herbs, supplements and even teabags.

This means natural, homeopathic products which offer real health benefits could be muscled out of the market entirely - to make way for artificial, patented drugs marketed by the pharma industry (which claim to do the same thing, but in a chemically altered form which they're allowed to patent.)

Of course I want dangerous supplements and products removed from the shelves (and the FDA has done well to get dangerous diet-drugs like ephedrine taken off the market) but I'm not convinced that this organization is motivated by purely altruistic reasons.

Some of the products they wish to ban offer cheaper, natural and more effective alternatives to modern drugs. Some of the modern drugs the FDA have approved are far more dangerous than some of the supplements we've been warned about:

For example, take anti-inflammatory Rofecoxib - marketed as Vioxx - which the FDA approved in 1999; it was still an 'approved' drug when manufacturer Merck pulled it from the shelves for causing kidney disease and heart arrhythmia.

Rather cynically, I've stopped trusting what the FDA tell us - I think the majority of their decisions are influenced by lobbyists and politicians, instead of the medical professionals we should be relying on.

And, as for Cheerios?

Well, whether this makes him a 'drug-addict' or not, Boo will still be allowed to eat them!

Why can't you just listen to your doctor?

"Those adverts with their sure sense of how to play on our doubts and insecurities are a symptom of the restless energy of American capitalism."

In his dreary editorial for the BBC, Washington correspondent Kevin Connolly delivers the Beeb's mandatory sneer at the vagaries of American culture - but incidentally manages to mention a very valid concern.

Is it really wise to allow pharmaceutical companies to advertise prescription-only drugs on the television?

If you've never been to America, you won't have experienced this phenomenon (and might even be skeptical of it, since it sounds so ridiculous.) But take it from me - the majority of commercials on Cable networks are for drugs.

Pharmaceutical companies advertise drugs for a variety of illnesses - from asthma to indigestion - and suggest that the viewer; 'ask your doctor if this drug is right for you.'

What does this result in? Millions of Americans going to their doctors and demanding he switch them from their current prescription (which works just fine) to the shiny new drug they saw on the television.

It's a logical progression, given the mindset cultivated by privatised health care. When you go to the doctor, you're not a 'patient,' but a 'customer' and that puts you in the driving seat regarding your health care. Unlike the NHS, if your American doctor doesn't switch your prescription to the shiny drug you saw on television, you can leave and find a doctor who will.

(Then again, most NHS surgeries are so blasé, you're lucky to get an aspirin and a pat on the head in the first place.)

When you give your bossy and demanding 'patient/consumer' access to medical websites like Web M.D., you end up creating a monster: An ignorant, opinionated customer who thinks their Internet-gleaned diagnosis puts them on equal footing with somebody with a doctor's licence.

This is why you end up with ridiculous situations like doctors being pressured into prescribing antibiotics for patients who have colds (read more about that here.)

What America really needs is a doctor who'll sit their patients down and give it to them straight.

"There's not a damn thing wrong with you. Go back to work."

"Lady - you have a cold. Deal with it."

"You have indigestion because you eat too much. Here's a leaflet about Weight Watchers."

"Your depression is caused by being 34 years old and living in your parent's basement. I'm cancelling your Prozac. Here's a prescription for getting up off your arse and getting a damn job."

And, of course, the most important one:

"You want to switch your current prescription drug for that one you saw on TV?" SLAP! "Get out of my office and quit wasting my time."

What America really needs is a doctor who's like the crabby, irascible Dr Cox on Scrubs.

“I’m a doctor. And we believe that without surgery, a patient in your condition can suffer from a major case of deadness.”

Adventures in Pharmaceutical Sales

Dickman. Dr Dickman.

How are you supposed to call HIM and maintain your composure?

Same thing with Dr Pepper.

And how's this for an answering message?

"This is Doctor Finley. I'm not available right now - but if your situation is an emergency, please go to an Emergency Room."

Sorry? Did you just suggest that, if my medical situation is an emergency, I should take myself off to an Emergency Room? Good God, that's genius! I can see NOW that those seven years of medical school were well spent.

In fact, why do ALL out-of-ours messages begin: "If your condition is life threatening, please hang up and call 911."?

I mean, are people really SO dumb that they call their General Practitioner out-of-hours when they've just accidently lopped their arm off with a chainsaw? The mind reels - but presumably it happens often enough for doctors to cover their bases with the answering machine message.

And finally, geography.

Why is there an Ohio in Colorado? And a Colorado in Texas? Doesn't ANYBODY realise how confusing that is?

Golly. This business is an eye opener.

It was suburban rockstar Huey Lewis who crooned: "I'm taking what they're giving, 'cos I'm working for a living."

As contributions to modern philosophy go, it's not exactly profound. But he's absolutely right. Here in America, the key to survival is to get up off your arse and get a job.

So until one of my job applications pans out (I've applied for a fantastic radio job) I'm workin' for a living at a pharmaceutical marketing company.

This has presented me with a problem. My life has turned into that Fast Show sketch called "The Unpronouncables."

Here I am, vending my drugs for nervous bladders, and the conversations run like this:

"Hello! I'm Roland from [insert name of pharmaceutical company here.] I'm here to speak to Doctor Siz... Schziz... Erm. Sniz? Sizzle Cow Ski? Schnizikowski, that's it."

That's the first hurdle. Then it moves onto:

"I'd like to send you samples of our new drug, Boy... Buy.. Byosk.. Boyosckafellin? Buy oxes and fell them? You know, I've got a leaflet."

Then they ask how it works. And I know this. I know more about nervous bladders than anybody unconnected to the medical industry rightly should by now.

"Well, it's an anticoller... artichocker... anticholi... auntie coller in yer neck. Anticholinergic. That's it. It releases an antagonist that prevents the ace tailor cow lean... acetylcholine... from binding with the receivers... receptors, I mean. And that stops the trousers from relaxing."

Pause.

"Did I say The Trousers? I meant Detrusor."

And after this mangled presentation, the response is:

"Oh my God. Your ACCENT. Are you from England?"