Happy Zombie Jesus Weekend!

This weekend is the anniversary of several great events - like the birth of Playboy mogul Hugh Hefner (9th April 1926) and the date the United Kingdom first adopted the Union Flag (often incorrectly referred to as the 'Union Jack') as the flag of our great nation (12th April 1606.)

But for most people, it's also the date which marks the entombment and subsequent resurrection of Jesus of Nazareth - a Middle Eastern carpenter whose skill with a mortise and tenon joint was considered so divine, the religion of Christianity was founded around it (or something like that.)

The story of Jesus' death and reanimation is probably the most well-recorded instance of a zombie outbreak in human history. Not only was Jesus raised from the dead three days after being entombed, but according to The Gospel of Matthew (27:51-53) his death was marked by an earthquake during which many other corpses escaped their graves:

At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people.

Back in Biblical times, a zombie-outbreak must have been a pretty scary occurrence and no doubt Jews and Romans alike had their brains eaten by shambling, reanimated corpses (zombies are into equal opportunity evisceration.)

Fortunately, thanks to documentaries like Dawn of the Dead and Shaun of the Dead, we 21st century types are far more educated about how to deal with an outbreak of the walking dead.

So should this Sunday bring about another outbreak of zombiefictation in your neighborhood, here's what to do:

Get All the Answers

To quote the great philosopher, G.I. Joe, 'Knowing is half the battle*' - in this case, being well-versed in all the skills you need to survive a zombie-outbreak is essential. I recommend getting your hands on this book: The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead.


This handy tome has it ALL. Where to hole up, what weapons you'll need and survival tactics for outwitting the shambling, rotting corpses of your neighbors, friends (and, possibly, the symbolic head of your religion.)

If you can't get hold of it, though (Barnes and Noble might be swarming with the living dead) here's what you need to know:

• Zombies have only one purpose - to eat the living flesh and brains of humans. When they are aware of living humans in the proximity, they will ceaselessly attempt to devour them.
• A single bite from a zombie will be fatal, due to overwhelming bacterial contamination (much like the bite of the Komodo Dragon.) Once a person has died from an infected zombie bite, they will be reanimated as a zombie within the course of a the next few hours.
• The only way to successfully kill a zombie is by severing the head or destroying the brain (by bullet, impalement or blunt object trauma.)

That knowledge is pretty much all you need to know to survive a zombie outbreak, although some of my more conservative friends have pointed out the inevitable:

Should another Biblical zombie outbreak occur - perhaps in your town - the survivors will be the ones with guns. Although I've argued against the 2nd Amendment in my past few posts, I realize now that without free and easy access to large caliber handguns, we're all screwed!

I always wondered why so many conservative Christians supported the 2nd Amendment (as they should, technically, be against violence and killing.) Now I do! When they rambled nonsensically about 'home defense,' it wasn't burglars, illegal immigrants or liberals they needed to 'protect' their family from. It was ZOMBIES!

Matthew 27:51, man. It's all there, in black and white. Should have paid attention at Theological College (in my defence, I was studying history.)

So, now I know better - and hopefully you do to! Be prepared, but I hope you all have a zombie-free Easter Weekend!




* the other half of the battle is violence. Bloody, unmitigated violence. Hence why they call it a 'battle.'