Just what is Mormonism?

Please also read: Another Perspective on Religion.

Like many things, just because Mormonism is an object of ridicule doesn't mean anybody knows anything about it.

In fact, these days, it appears you don't need to know anything to have an opinion about it (see I Am America (And So Can You!) by Stephen Colbert.)

But in order to derisively dismiss something, it's worth knowing the bare bones surrounding it, so for the sake of my readers (hello, Dad,) I present to you a (very) brief history of Mormonism.

Joseph Smith Junior

It all starts in upstate New York in the year 1819. A young teenage boy - Joseph Smith Junior - was feeling some deep spiritual distress and went out to a grove in his back garden to pray. There he encountered God the Father and his son Jesus Christ, who appeared to him in a vision and told him not to worry, his sins were forgiven.

Buoyed by his spiritual encounter, young Joseph rushed off to his Minister, who suggested that possibly he was just seeing things - or else it was (adopt gruff and accusatory voice) the 'work of the devil!'

He could have just been fibbing. You see, Joseph Smith Junior had a bit of a reputation as a fibber. Years later, in 1826, at the tender age of 21, a New York state court convicted him of being a 'disorderly impostor' after some wild exploits he got up to.

Regardless of whether he was lying, or just merely delusional, spurred by his 'encounter' with God (or perhaps just looking to avoid getting a real job) Smith began his new career as a 'treasure hunter.'

The Magic Book

Joseph didn't find any treasure at first, but the following year he found a lovely young wife (who eloped with him, because her father thought he was a fraud) and then claimed to have found a long buried book made of solid gold plates - the Book of Mormon.

Curiously enough, the gold-plated book - plus the gold breastplate, compass and sword which Smith claimed to have found with them - have never been seen by another human being, which leads some cynical souls to conclude that he made the whole thing up.

Nevertheless, Joseph Smith Junior transcribed his 'Book of Mormon (since this New Yorker of modest upbringing was inexplicably blessed with the ability to read and translate sixth-hundredth century Egyptian hieroglyphics) and proudly declared his work 'the Third Testament.'

The Book of Mormon

It told the story of the prophet Moroni - yes, Moroni - who was one of a tribe of Israelites who apparently left the Holy Land in 600BC and travelled to North America - living there until about 500 AD (yet inexplicably leaving no trace of their history or culture on the continent.)

Moroni (guys, surely it's a joke. Moron-i?) was the last of these people and (despite living five centuries after his crucifixion and ascent to heaven) personally knew Jesus - who took time out of his busy schedule (of being dead) to vacation in the upper north east of the United States (a thousand years before Columbus touched base there.)

Starting a Cult for Fun and Profit

Having discovered this remarkable new chapter to the bible, Joseph Smith Junior wasted no time in marketing it, soon using his powerful oratory skills to built up quite a following.

After pious New Yorkers broke down his door, beat the crap out of him (and tarred-and-feathered the fraud for good measure,) Joseph Smith Junior took his 'Book of Mormon' and his scrappy followers out to found a new 'City of Zion' in the relative safety of the Ohio wilderness.

He didn't make any friends there, either.

Since Joseph's cult was becoming surprisingly popular (the visions, curing of the sick and speaking in tongues was as entertaining then as the evangelical Christians find it today) there were soon an enormous number of followers arriving in Ohio - and they kind of 'took over' the place.

Nothing got in the way of the day-to-day running of Kirkland, Ohio like hundreds of brainwashed cult-members voting en-masse and really buggering up the fledgling local governments.

So in the end, after the Mormons had set up and collapsed an illegal banking operation, losing thousands of dollars (bet that gold-plated book would have come in handy then!) the people of Ohio got tired of Smith's shenanigans and decided to kick him out of the state.

The Extermination Order

Not so easy. Smith and his followers didn't want to go - and there were a lot of them!

"I will be to this generation a second Muhammed," Smith cheerfully declared, "whose motto in treating for peace was "The Kuran or the sword!" So shall it eventually be with us: "Joseph Smith or the sword!"

Basically, the Mormons ganged up and declared war on Ohio - so 2,500 soldiers descended on the Mormons and sent them scurrying out of the state with their tails firmly between their legs.

Take my wives, Please

The next move was north, to the relative peace of Commerce, Illinois. There were so many Mormons by this point that they pretty much occupied the entire town - more like a military invasion than a migration.

Smith cannily wormed his way into polite society by joining the local Freemasons and becoming mayor. He renamed the town Nauvoo and his followers soon began two ambitious projects. First, the construction of a mighty new temple to house their ambitious cult. Secondly, the systematic intimidation and exile of the town's non-Mormon inhabitants.

Joseph Smith had not neglected his spiritual projects either. During this period, he had further 'visions' which authorised he and his followers to adopt more than one wife. After all, what good is a cult unless it includes free and easy access to varied (and sometimes underage) sexual partners? David Koresh as the Waco-whackjobs can't take credit for that one!

He even ran for President of the United States - but he didn't even make headway in the Iowa caucuses. [Iowa did't even join the Union until 1846 - Editorial Bear.]

Death of Joseph Smith

As you can imagine, his riding roughshod over the good people of the-town-formally-known-as-Commerce-Illinois didn't make him many friends. When Joseph Smith and his followers shutdown the The Nauvoo Expositor for writing a defamatory article about him, the inhabitants of adjacent Hancock County rode over to Nauvoo and arrested the cult-leader and several members of his family.

Since lawyers, judges and juries were then considered an unnecessary and time-consuming expense [Is it any different now? Editorial Bear] an angry mob decided to deliver it's own personal form of justice to Joseph Smith and his followers and they rode into Hancock with flaming torches.

There's no justice like angry mob justice.

Bursting into the jail, the angry mob shot Joseph's brother point-blank in the face and then...

Bang! Bang! Like some cheesy movie, the imprisoned Joseph Smith had apparently got a six shooter from somewhere. It was only after riddling a few angry protesters with bullets that the hated cult leader was finally ventilated by several shooters (now relieved of the tiresome morality issue surrounding shooting an unarmed man.)

The angry mob, rid of that pesky Smilth fella, turned their attention to the rest of the Mormons and the whole lot of them were soon sent packing from Nauvoo as they had been in Ohio.

Brigham Young

Back in those days, if America had anything it was land. Big tracts of untamed land which were free of laws, soldiers and pesky constitutional issues regarding polygamy.

So the man who filled Joseph Smith's boots - a former blacksmith from Vermont called Brigham Young - assembled Smith's followers and led them on a grueling pioneer trail out West to a land called Utah.

Brigham Young, who was compared to Moses for leading his people out into the desert - sort to escape the tyranny of the United States government by crossing the border into Mexico. It was there that the Mormons founded Salt Lake City [Not actually a lake - Editorial Bear] and planned to create an independent and self-sufficient 'City of Zion' as envisaged by Joseph Smith.

But then, don't you know it, the bloody Americans went and took possession of Utah in the Mexican Cession of 1848! Before he knew it, Brigham and his followers were under the 'oppressive yolk' of Democracy once again.

They tried to fight it. The Utah War of 1857/1858 saw American soldiers fighting the Mormon militia for authority in Utah. In the end, a rather nervous peace accord was settled, which saw the Mormons of Salt Lake City live in relative autonomy under the auspices of an American governor and state legislature.

The Real Wives

One of the major problems in Utah during the mid 19th century was the fact that America disapproved of the Mormon religion (with it's religious courts and multiple wives) but unfortunately lacked the strength to actually do anything about it.

During the Civil War the Mormons kept their nose out of things, stating that there was no law in Utah to allow residents to keep slaves - nor any law to forgive them. The Mormons were disgusting racists, of course (black members of the church were not allowed until 1978) but not enough to actually pick up a gun and do anything about it.

But the American government started to grow teeth.

First, President Lincoln passed a law making bigamy a felony.

Then the courts started to enforce it. Reynolds vs The United States was the first case in which a Mormon was tried for having multiple wives and that opened up a tidal-wave of prosecutions which led half of all Utah federal prisoners being Mormons by 1887.

And to quote Stephen Colbert, in his hysterical book 'I am America (and so can you!):

"I'll give the Mormons this. They know which way the wind blows. When America decided that polygamy wasn't the way to go, the Mormons changed their ways and banned it. They had similar changes in policy when public opinion turned against the traditions of massacring pioneers and believing that all black people are evil."

Pretty much, whenever the general populace decides that Mormons are a sinful, crazy cult, their leader receives a message straight down from God that makes everything okay."

Which is pretty much what they did. In 1890, the Mormon leadership officially declared polygamy over and done with.

And by 1910 they meant it (since they'd been 'unofficially' doing it for the intervening 20 years.)

The Modern Mormon

In the intervening years between then and now, the Mormons have been a weird lot - by turns wildly progressive (they gave birth to modern feminism and were the third state to give women the right to vote) and wildly oppressive (they were the driving force behind prohibition and the whole 'no blacks until 1978' thing bears repeating.

Their flirtation with socialism and communism didn't win them any friends (even polygamy would have been preferable) and in general there's always been the pervading sense of creepiness about the whole community.

But these days, Mormons are as regular as any other devout pseudo-Christian sect in the world today. While their community is often criticized for their beliefs - such as a flat denial regarding Darwin's theory of evolution, or that homosexuality is an abhorrent, unnatural sin - they're increasingly similar to the beliefs of regular evangelical Christians (of whom there are 80 million of in the United States.)

However, there is one aspect of their belief that even the modern-day Mormon has trouble consolidating - the whole cock-and-bull story of Joseph Smith Junior magically finding a golden book in his back yard and starting an entire religion based on it.

Maybe in this age of CNN and You Tube, we're all too cynical to believe such magical tales. Or possibly, Joseph Smith Junior was absolutely, resolutely full of shit.

The Church of the Latter Day Saints is recruiting now! But there's no smoking, drinking and you can't have more than one wife, so I wouldn't bother.