The other day, my boss affectionately patted me on the stomach and said: "Puttin' on some weight there, Roland..."Aside from obliterating any pretense at professionalism in the American workplace, it highlighted something that I'd suspected for the last couple of months - that Tina wasn't the only one growing a little rounder in the Hulme household!
My boss suggested it was because Tina was expecting - apparently fathers-to-be gain a little baby bulge in sympathy. Hopping on the scales this morning confirmed it. Over the last six months, I've gained six pounds.
The question is - what am I to do about it? Ironically, since the beginning of the year I've been trying to lose weight, not gain it!
Unfortunately, living in America is not conducive to staying trim. I have a sedentary job, I drive to work and there's really nowhere to walk to, like there was in England. New Jersey is the dominion of the strip mall! In fact, with a heavily pregnant wife to look after, it's not unheard of for us to actually drive from one end of the strip mall to the other...
In fact, the most exercise I get is when I'm working in New York city, where I get a brisk two-mile walk every day as I yomp from Penn Station to Avenue of the Americas. This is why very few New Yorkers are overweight.
I've been considering this situation and haven't quite found a solution yet.
Suggestions have included 'get your ass in a gym' and to give up alcohol / carbohydrates / sugar / food. None of these really seem very sensible - because in all honesty, short lived diets and exercise regimes simply don't work.
There's a simple reason I've gained 6 pounds in six months. Over the last half a year, I've consumed 21,000 more calories than I've expended - and those surplus calories have added up to six pounds of body weight (it takes 3,500 calories to gain (or lose) a pound.)
This isn't actually too daunting. Breaking it down, that means I'm eating about 150 calories a day more than I'm burning. If I can just tip the balance from surplus into deficit, I'm going to reverse the bulge-building and head towards a slimmer, trimmer Roly! [In theory - Editorial Bear]
And that doesn't sound impossible! I mean, what does 150 calories add up to, anyway?
A can of Coke? A packet of crisps? A half pint of beer? A bread roll?
Or, looking at it another way, 25 minutes riding a horse, 40 minutes strolling in the park or less than 20 minutes of vigorous weight lifting (or, using this Conservative calorie counter, 1 hour and 45 minutes of praying in church!)
Unfortunately, living in a quiet street in New Jersey's equivalent to Mexico City, horses aren't all that common (except in the 'carne' section of the local bodega.) And while we've got a lovely park just yards away from our front door, Tina's far more interested in moving furniture and dousing everything in bleach than going for a stroll with me at the moment.
In order to lose my gut, I've got to come up with a practical, realistic way to change my lifestyle and get some exercise in...
I could bicycle to work (1,400 calories burned) but that would take four hours - assuming I survived the sociopathic drivers on Route 1. Plus I don't have a bike.
Joining a gym is too expensive and, being brutally honest, I'm not sure I'd go regularly if I signed up. The trick to losing weight is to integrate a calorie burning activity with your regular lifestyle - not fork over cash with good intentions, but over-ambitious demands on your time/laziness.
Cutting down the calories is an option - although I honestly don't tend to eat a huge amount in the first place - and considering how grumpy I get when I'm hungry, I don't think my marriage would last a week if I cut out dinner!
There's the idea of giving up alcohol - although I'm with Dean Martin on this one. 'I pity the guy who doesn't drink. When he wakes up in the morning, that's the best he's gonna feel all day.'
A glass of wine with dinner is, sadly enough, one of the highlights of a dreary working week and I don't feel any shame in admitting that.
I've lost interest in people criticizing those who drink every day. Is it more sensible to self-medicate with Vin de Table? Or accuse virtual strangers of borderline alcoholism while scoffing prescription mood-enhancers like Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft or Xanax?
In all honesty, I'm not sure what the answer is - but I do know this. In just a few days, Tina's going to pop a baby out and after that, my lifestyle's going to change dramatically whether I like it or not. Perhaps I ought to hold off plotting any domestic enhancements until I've found out what life with the lil' tyke is going to be like.
But that being said - when I unpack my sandwich for lunch today, perhaps I'll reach for a 'diet' soda instead of the regular stuff. That's 150 calories - and my daily surplus - right there.
