Thursday, April 03, 2008

Totally Awesome American Inventions

Mountain Dew – Inexplicably, this neo-green carbonated beverage has not been declared a Class A drug yet.

The potent combination of caffeine, sugar and whatever that neon green stuff is regularly drives people (especially kids) into sociopathic sugar-spasms characterized by rapid breathing, heart palpitations and repeated use of the word ‘Extreme!’

Simply the best soda in the world.

Awesome! The most overused word in America, ‘awesome’ is an adjective (Dude! That’s awesome!) often used to describe something great.

Iit can also be used to describe something big, fast, cool, sexy, tiny, miniaturized or just ‘awesome.’

Early adoption of the word ‘awesome’ by pre-schoolers has led scientists to believe all other adjectives will be rendered obsolete by the year 2012.

New York – Although some people try to argue that there other cities of equal or greater awesomeness than New York, it’s generally accepted that they’re talking bollocks.

This is because New York has successfully assimilated every major city in the world – to the extent that the five boroughs contain within themselves a microcosm of every significant nation on earth.

Little Italy. China town. Spanish Harlem. Little India. Little Brazil. The Russian community on Brighton Beach. More Jewish people than Israel. In fact, it is believed that New York will successfully have assimilated a full 40% of the entire globe by 2067 and the city itself will measure 4062 miles wide (with all areas easily accessible by subway.)

The SUV – The Sports Utility Vehicle is basically a pickup truck with a car-like body attached to it.

Cynically invented to revive the flagging American car industry, the SUV has now reached such an advanced stage of development that an estimated 32% of all SUV owners actually drive a Sports Utility Vehicle that’s larger than their home.

Given the rise in petrol prices, it’s assumed that 98% of SUV owners will actually begin living in their SUV’s within 5 years – establishing homes wherever or whenever their monstrous vehicles become too expensive to refuel any more.

Fake boobs – Cosmetic surgery has now enabled Americans to overcome their shortcomings through expensive operations.

Fat people can be lipo-suctioned into a saggy size 2. Blind people can have lasers zapped into their eyes to regain vision (enabling them to drive and talk on their cell phones at the same time.)

But the pinnacle of plastic surgery has to be the breast implant. Now an entire generation of American kids are being raised believing that the epitome of female beauty is to be found in an enormous pair of rigid spherical implants.

But rock-hard basket-ball sized boobs are not just ‘attractive,’ they also serve a useful purpose, as both airbags and flotation devices. It’s estimated that the incidences of drowning in Los Angeles has been reduced by 0.002% over the past decade through the increased popularity of breast enlargements.


BritGal' Sarah said...

LOL Roland!

Love the piccie of Jordan and her balloons, they are crazy! I love NYC too, it's a fabulous place

Meghan said...

Well at least the implants will help to protect the Mountain Dew chugging, SUV driving, NYC living population. And that's pretty awesome.

The Chronicles of a Fashionista in PDX said...

Okay, I would have to say this is the awesomest piece I've read!

I think I'm in violation of the 2 of the 5 topics in your blog. Mountain Dew (I don't really drink soda, but I drink this once a year for unknown reasons) and I say "Awesome" a lot. Or Awesomest or Awesomeness or some variation.

Don't forget that fake boobies are good use as pillows and bongos.

I heart NYC!

Expatmum said...

Popped over from Britgal Sarah's blog. Very funny.
I have to disagree about the 'soda' though - I am addicted to Dr. Pepper (Diet). It's the closest thing I can find to Dandelion and Burdock.

Anonymous said...

haha! too funny roland!! those implants look painful, man. i'll keep my natural 34B's any day. who needs silicone anyways??

you have a great weekend!!

oh, and why can i not get to your blog any more from my links??! weird!