Adventure Eddy & Buffy the Vampire Slayer in Curse of the Mary Sue

I have a friend called Jo who writes fan fiction.

These are fan written stories involving characters and situations from popular TV shows. The most common one has to be Star Trek. A lot of writers got their break through 'fan fiction' and a number of television shows, Star Trek in particular, use fan fiction ideas as the basis for their episode ideas. Sadly, the fans seem to know their source material and have more original ideas than the show script writers. See that UPN show 'Enterprise' for more evidence.

A common occurance in bad fanfiction is the "Mary Sue." A new character introduced merely to give the author a voice and presence in the story. Often Mary Sues have knowledge and abilities beyond the realities of the fictional world and they're generally just awful.

A good guide to the Mary Sue can be found here.

My discovery of the Mary Sue prompted me to wonder if Adventure Eddy was, by his very definition, a Mary Sue. Certainly, he'd started life as a more handsome, exciting fictional version of myself and while the character has disappeared off on his own path, the colour of his hair, love of old cars and family situation remain mirrors of my own.

For some reason or another (I hadn't got a Playstation back then) I decided to write my own Mary Sue fanfiction. I'd throw Adventure Eddy randomly into a fanfiction adventure.

I chose Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I never got very far with it and I doubt I will ever finish it. It was a terrible waste of time! But for curiosity's sake, my I present Adventure Eddy & Buffy the Vampire Slayer in The Curse of Mary Sue...

The Curse of Mary Sue

Chapter One

The vampires swept forward like a relentless wave.

“Quick,” Buffy grabbed the back of Xander’s collar and literally threw him through the door, “get inside and somebody close that door!”

“I’m on it,” Spike grumbled, slamming his shoulder against the old crypt door, slamming it shut behind the Scooby gang.

Thump!

The door cracked as the vampires hurled themselves against it.

“Bloody hell,” Spike growled, shouldering the door shut as best he could, “I think I could do with some help, here.”

Thump!

A split traced it’s jagged way down the door.

“Quickly, Willow,” Buffy span towards her redheaded friend, who was already reaching for her spell book. “We need some of your mojo - and fast.”

Thump!

“Bloody ‘ell,” Spike repeated. “I think they were almost through, that time!”

“Here, let me,” Xander leapt to Spike’s side.

“Oh yeah… Like peepsqueak here will be any help,” the blonde vampire sneered.

“I wasn’t going to use my bulk, Captain Peroxide,” Xander snapped back, wrenching the great iron bolt into place. “I was just going to lock the door for you.”

With a clunk, the heavy bolt slammed into place.

“That’ll hold them,” Xander grinned, stepping back.

“Yeah, right, Mate,” Spike scoffed, shoving a cigarette in his mouth and reaching for his lighter. “That’ll hold ‘em for all of five minutes…”

Buffy Summers, who wasn’t feeling much like the mighty Slayer at the moment, threw a curtain of blonde hair away from her face.

“Willow,” she snapped, spinning back to her friend. “We need something kick-ass
vampire killy in five minutes or less.”

Willow, her eyes turning black, started chanting.

“Infidalus non beardus bringus maris sueus…”

An unearthly glow surrounded the crypt. Buffy, Xander, Willow and Spike shielded their eyes from the brightness, ignoring the thumps and crashes as the vampires flung themselves against the door.

With a roar of thunder, a figure burst from the brightness and lay, choking, in a steaming pile on the floor.

Buffy, Willow and Xander gathered around.

The thumping on the door continued.

From the smoke, emerged a figure.

He was in his mid twenties. Slim and broad shouldered, in jeans and a battered leather jacket. Square jawed, with curious green eyes. He had curly red hair, hanging over his brow…

Hang on a second…

This whole descriptive passage goes on for, like, four hundred words. Unfortunately we had to cut it. Just take our word for it. The kid who clambered out of the smoke was this ruggedly handsome redhead with a square jaw etc. etc.

Anyway. Back to the story.

Buffy, Xander and Willow, who’d been expecting an axe wielding hero, peered incredulously at the new arrival. The new arrival looked up in confusion.

“Where the hell am I?”


Chapter Two


Buffy was the first to speak.

“Woah… Are you, like, some kind of demon-killing slayer?”

The redhead dusted himself down.

“Erm, no,” he responded, in a sharp British accent. “My name’s Eddy.”

“Eddy?”

“Eddy Newbolt. Adventure Eddy Newbolt, some people call me.” He blinked those adjective-inspiring green eyes of his, “Erm… Mind telling me where I am?”



Buffy grabbed the redhead’s wrist and dragged him out of the smoke.

“Listen,” the blonde demanded, staring up at him with captivating blue eyes, “on the
other side of that door are twenty seven bloody thirsty vampires. If you’re not some ass-kicking vampire killing machine, we’re in trouble.”

Eddy blinked.

“Well, we’re in trouble then.”

There was another Crash!

Spike, his leather coat billowing behind him, threw his shoulder against the door.

“’Ere they come,” he warned.

Crash!

The door crashed open. Spike went flying across the room. Pouring through the open doorway came a wave of gnashing teeth and flailing claws.

“Holly crap,” Eddy blinked. “You weren’t kidding.”

The vampires pounced.

Like a blonde angel of death, Buffy Summers leapt into the fray. Her fists flew. Her stylish, yet affordable boots collided with ribs, kidneys and jaws.

Spike, his leather coat billowing behind him, launched his own attack, clawing, punching, kicking and pummelling.

Eddy simply watched, bemused.

“Grrrraar!”

Out of the darkness, a vampire reared, all bitey teeth and pointy claws.

Eddy grabbed his wrists, but was thrown onto his back by the vampire’s momentum. He suddenly found himself pinned to the flagstones, dodging teeth that threatened to tear out his jugular.

“Help!” Eddy released one of the vampire’s wrists and thumped him firmly on the nose. “Help! Big vampire thingy here!” He thumped the vampire again, wriggling free from the undead’s grip. “Help!”

“Here,” Willow, the willowy redhead, threw Eddy a sharpened piece of wood.

Eddy stared at it, bemused.

“Great. Thanks. A toothpick.”

The vampire launched himself forward again, teeth bared.

“Oh, right,” Eddy snarled. “I’m bloody pissed off now, mate!” He started pummelling the vampire with punches and kicks. The vampire pummelled back. They kicked and punched and wrestled across the flagstones, until the vampire had Eddy pinned down and was ready to bite.

Eddy closed his eyes.

Woosh!

Suddenly, Eddy’s vision wasn’t filled by snarling fangs… Instead, he found himself choking up a mouthful of ash. Clambering to his feet, hacking and coughing, he found himself facing a lean, blonde man with peroxide blonde hair.

The blonde in the leather jacket held out a stake.

“No need to thank me,” Spike snarled in his British accent.

“Cheers,” Eddy responded.

Winded, bruised and dusty, the redhead scanned the room.

It looked like the vampires were gone. All that remained was a thin layer of dust - like the mantlepiece in a crematorium. Buffy, Spike, Willow and Xander were dusting themselves down and checking themselves for injury.

“Looks like we made it,” Buffy sighed.

Eddy hacked up another mouthful of dust.

“Erm” he coughed, “no need to thank me.”

The Scooby gang span around to their redheaded guest.

“Hey,” Buffy growled, her blonde hair billowing in the non-breeze (since crypts aren’t generally that breezy.) “We summon a kick ass vampire slayer to save us from the vampires and what happens?” Her blue eyes narrowed. “We get Biggles here.”

“Biggles?” Eddy looked bemused.

“Leather flying jacket,” Xander explained, “she’s making a joke.”

“Oh, right,” Eddy blinked.

He put his hands on his hips.

“Listen, sorry about not meeting your absurdly high standards in vampire killing back there… But lay off… Where I come from, pale, bloodsucking friends are generally known as “traffic wardens.”

He gazed around the crypt and shivered.

“So,” Eddy demanded. “Where the hell am I again?”


Chapter Three


They held a Scooby meeting at Gile’s place.

Eddy Newbolt, still brushing dust from his shirt, sat on the sofa while the Scooby gang paced nervously around him. Giles, Buffy’s bookish mentor, studied Willows spell books carefully.

“Buffy,” he yanked off his glasses and turned to his blonde student, “it appears here that Willow’s spell misfired.”

“You’re not kidding, Giles,” Buffy growled. “Instead of a kick-ass Vampire killing machine, we get a carrot topped…”

“Hey!” Eddy interrupted.

“No offence,” Buffy span around. “Seriously, no offence, but when we called about The Powers That Be for a champion to help us defeat the army of vampires that’s invaded Sunnydale, we expected somebody who… I don’t know…”

“Believed in Vampires?”

“That’s it.”

“Well,” Eddy shrugged, “after the big bitey, toothy performance earlier, I certainly believe in vampires now.”

“Yeah, but you can’t fight them.”

“I don’t know. I gave that pale bugger a pretty good slug on the jaw.”

“No, seriously, Eddy,” Buffy frowned, “we expected some kind of superhero. Not an…”

“A what? An ordinary guy?”

“Well, yeah.”

Eddy shrugged.

“Well, sorry to disappoint.”

He turned to Giles, who he’d identified as the Guy-Who-Probably-Knew-What-Was-Going-On.

“So, Mr Giles blokey… Where exactly am I again?”

Giles shrugged.

“I’m sorry, Mr Newbolt,” he admitted. “I’m not sure. Willow’s spell was meant to summon forth a heroic vampire killer. Instead, we got you.”

“So, where am I again?”

“Sunnydale, California.”

“California? Like as in America?”

“Yes.”

“That’d explain the accents.” Eddy looked around. “Hey, I’m not sure I have a valid VISA, you know. Can you send me home?”

Giles took off his glasses.

“I’m afraid not. Not without the Necronomican.”

“Necronomican?”

“The book Buffy and her friends were trying to recover from that crypt. It’s a dark and ancient book, stepped in black magic. Only there will we find the spells needed to send you home.”

Eddy looked up.

“Well, to be honest, I’m not entirely sure I want to go back, yet. I mean, aside from the big sharp toothy vampire thingies, it seems pretty nice here. California. Land of grapefruit and Hollywood. I mean, while I’m here….”

“Eddy,” Giles warned, “there is more reason to recover the Necronomican than just you.”

“You mean this isn’t JUST about me?”

“No.”

“Well, I did think I was stealing the thunder a bit from Buffy, Willow and… erm… That beefy guy in the corner.”

“Xander?”

“That’s the one.” Eddy paused. “Hey, Dude. You realise you’re named after a fish, right?”

“Ahem,” Giles coughed.

“Sorry. What were you saying again?”

Giles chewed the end of his glasses.

“Eddy, you are here just in time to witness the end of the world. Apocolypse…”

Buffy sighed:

“What? Again?”

“Yes, Buffy. Unless we can get hold of that Book of the Dead, all Hell will reign on Earth… It’ll be like George Bush Jnr’s presidency, only permanent.”

There was a gasp across the room.

“Wow,” Eddy nodded. “Sounds pretty terrifying.”

He hopped off the couch.

“Let me know how it turns out, won’t you?”

The Scooby Gang watched him head towards the door.

“Wait,” Giles took off his glasses again. “You can’t go. What about the book of the dead? The curse of the vampires…?”

“Well,” Eddy paused, his hand on the doorknob, “you told me already I wasn’t the superheroic vampire killer you thought I was…. So I might as well stay out of your way until all this has blown over. I thought I’ve visit the Universal Studios.”

“But Eddy…. The world is depending on you…”


Chapter Four


After much discussion, it was decided Eddy would spend the night at Giles’ place. After all, they were both British and Buffy, who had the only other available couch, didn’t quite trust the winks Eddy was giving her.

So long after the Scooby gang had retired, Giles and Eddy found themselves sitting at the dining table, drinking rather good Scotch.

“So, Giles, old Buddy,” Eddy mulled, sipping his Islay malt. “What exactly Is going on here?”

“Well,” Giles took off his glasses nervously. “I didn’t want to alarm Buffy or Willow, but it appears our predicament might be much worse.”

“Worse than what? Worse than the bitey tooth vampires in the crypt? Because that was pretty bad.”

“For Buffy and willow, that’s simply a normal day.”

“Oh. So worse is much, much worse.”

“Exactly.”

“How much worse?”

“Well, Eddy. It appears the spell Willow performed was actually meant to conjure forth a Mary sue. Hence, you arrived.”

“Who are you called Mary Sue?”

“Don’t be offended, Eddy. It’s a non-gender-specific-term.”

“That’s easy for you to say.”

“Eddy,” Giles rolled his eyes, “the term ‘Mary Sue’ refers to something. It’s actually a term used in literature. It basically equates to a character inserted into a story merely to project the author.”

“To what-the-what-what?”

“An author writes himself into a story.”

“Oh…”

“Well, many bad authors take existing characters and existing story situations - like from a comic or TV show - and write their own stories, inserting characters based on themselves.”

“And that’s bad how?”

“Well, these characters know everything, they muck up continuity and often form relationships with the main characters. It basically turns to world the characters inhabit upside down.”

“Oooh-kaay.” Eddy rolled his eyes. Then he paused. “What a second, Four Eyes.”

“What?”

“If I’m supposed to be like on of these fictional Mary sue characters, how come I DON’T know anything,. I didn’t even believe in vampires until a few hours ago. I mean, I met some once, back at home, but they turned out not to be real vampires at all. So I stopped believing in them. And then I saw them today.”

To Not Be Continued...