Oh. My. Gosh.

I've written before about the laughable propaganda engine called 'Conservapedia.'

Conservapedia is the American right-wing's 'alternative' to Wikipedia, which they claim: "shows a systematic liberal bias." Therefore, New Jersey lawyer and history teacher Andrew Schlafly, started his own 'trustworthy encyclopedia' which presents the (ahem...) facts from a 'Conservative perspective.'

[You mean a completely retarded one? - Editorial Bear]

Which translates as it being a place where Conservatives can go to find Wikipedia-like articles telling them all the make-believe they want to hear: Rubbish like how evolution isn't true, that the mighty vegetarian Tyrannosaurus Rex hung out with Noah and his pals and, of course, all sorts of rubbish about the 'enemies' of Conservatism, like our pal Obama.

For old time's sake, I visited Conservapedia to see what they've got written about Barack Obama. Check it out - it's hysterical and terrifying all at the same time:

http://www.conservapedia.com/Obama

For the sake of your sanity, though, I'll present some of the best bits. Remember, pundits who visit Conservapedia consider these to be 'facts.'

This picture from Conservapedia shows Obama not placing his hand on his heart during the pledge of allegience. This clearly indicates that he's a radical, white-hating militant Muslim who eats the tender flesh of aborted babies.

Doctors from the Association of American Physicians and Surgeons have observed that Obama uses techniques of mind control in his speeches and campaign symbols.

Yes, apparently we're all under the hypnotic control of Barack Obama.

"Obama is not a natural born U.S. citizen." Obama's "birth certificate, from the state of Hawaii," has been "verified as a forgery by three independent document forensic experts."

Like with every other citation in the article, it's impossible to find links to the 'experts' - which is probably as a result of them not existing.

If elected, Obama would likely become the first Muslim President, and could use the Koran to be sworn into office.

I can't even think of anything funny to write about that claim. It's just a pathetic lie.

Obama has no clear personal achievement that cannot be explained as the result of affirmative action.

Remember, according to true Conservatives, no African American ever achieved anything through their own grit, determination or ability. Especially not the richest woman in the world, Oprah Winfrey.

Obama and his wife, reared a Baptist, have been active members since 1988 at the Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago.

Wait, didn't they claim he was a Muslim earlier? You'd think they could get their (ahem...) facts straight in the same article.

Oh, about the Trinity United Church of Christ. Aside from the antics of firebrand preacher Jeremiah Wright, the proof of Obama's Godless, heathen ways is proved because: "this denomination was the first in America to ordain blacks as ministers."

Fortunately, it's not all Conservative insanity. In the 'talk' section of the article, some people have objected to this fact-free, cobbled-together of badly-written, disgusting propaganda.

One person writers: "The whole tone of this article on Barack Obama is appalling. It is poorly written, inaccurate, misleading, insulting and thoroughly vile. I would be ashamed to publish such contemptible stuff."

To which Andrew Schlafly, the owner of Conservapedia, responded with an instant ban on that user, smugly adding: "That's your first -- and only -- contribution here."

Another user pointed out that many of the article's claims had no citations, as sites like Wikipedia insist on.

One reader complained: "Citations... in the Obama article are NOT true sources. When following down to the footnote, I couldn't get to a site and was exposed, instead, to anecdotal evidence based on the observation of the person who wrote this article."

Andrew Schlafly's response to this allegation? Pointing out that it's not Conservapedia's policy "to cite only sources that can be proven to be "factually" true."

So straight from the horse's (ass's) mouth, his 'trustworthy encyclopedia' doesn't trust it's truthiness to those pesky, liberally biased things you and I would call 'facts.'

Over the past few months, I have been simply astonished at some of the things people have come to believe about Barack Obama. I often wondered what contagious mental illness they must have contracted.... turned out it's a little some called 'Bollockus Conservapediaus.'

Remember, folks: Andrew Schlafly is a teacher and an advocate of homeschooling. So when the next generation of American kids can quote Deuteronomy by heart, but have forgotton every medical and scientific advance more technical than the asprin, go and knock on that asshole's door.

Top 3 Reasons to vote for Barack Obama

With the election in just a few days, it's time for a quick run-down of why it makes sense to vote Democrat in the upcoming election:

1. The past 8 years. So we've had Pearl Harbour 2.0, followed by Vietnam War 2.0 - and we top it all off with The Great Depression 2.0. We've also had a Republican president and a Republican majority for six of the last eight years. Coincidence? Je pense pas.
2. The Democratic Majority. As a result of the foul-ups of the last eight years, voters will be putting Democrat majorities in both the Senate and Congress. What will that mean? That a vote for John McCain would be a vote for absolute deadlock. Nothing will get achieved and nothing will change.
3. The world's opinion. The world's sympathy was with us after the devastation of 9/11. Seven years later, the Eurosnobs [Like you, surely? Editorial Bear] are mocking us and the Middle East is more convinced than ever that America is 'The Great Satan.' Barack Hussein Obama will at least stand up and prove to the world that America is not entirely run by angry, white Republicans.

Don't get me wrong - I like John McCain. But I liked him a whole lot more when he was the maverick who crossed party lines on several key issues, instead of the reluctant spokesman of the frustrated right wing, as he appears to be now.

But the fact is, there's a reason George Bush has been the most unpopular president in recent history - and it's not George Bush. Getting rid of the spokesman, while keeping just about all of the rest of 'Team Bush' in the White House - would simply continue us trotting blithely down the same old path we've been trudging down for the best part of a decade. We need a change.

Remember Bill Clinton? The charming President whom the world respected, yet seemed down-to-Earth enough to go for a beer with? Remember how he presided over an affluent country and even produced a surplus in the budget? Well, I miss that kind of president.

His worst sin was fooling around with an intern and fibbing about it. He didn't start any wars, he didn't trample the constitution underfoot and his vice president certainly didn't shoot anybody in the face. Right now, with house prices down 40%, unemployment soaring, people's retirement accounts disappearing and soldiers still dying every single day on foreign sand, a jolly old horndog president like Clinton ain't looking so bad, is he?

Barack Obama is one better: He's a Democrat who probably won't get caught with his boxers around his ankles. That'll be a relief for those who believe (for whatever entirely retarded reason) that getting a blow-job from an intern is somehow more reprehensible than conning a nation into a bloody foreign war.

Like it or not, it's time for a change and it's time for a damn Democrat in the White House!

I mean, come on... Vote Obama because, if for no other reason, it's the Democrat's 'turn' to have a President! The Republicans have had their eight years. Now it's the Democrats turn (that's how American politics works, right?)

I'm sorry, guys; but Republicans are just going to have to sit tight and wait for Caribu Barbie to take her hotseat in 2012 or 2016.

That election will be a riot, I assure you.

When was the last time...

...you slept as well as this?

I wear Dinosaur pajamas...

...because dinosaurs go: roarrrrrr!

John Stewart: "F*ck All Y'All!"

“We believe that the best of America is not all in Washington, D.C. or New York City.”

Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin explained this belief of hers during a campaign rally in Northern Carolina last week.

"We believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit… …what I call the real America… …hard working very patriotic, pro-American areas of this great nation.”

For the crowd in NC, that was the cue for uproarious applause. Not so further north, where New York city resident and host of the satirical Daily Show responded with two words for Sarah Palin (on behalf of all of New York City.)

“Fuck you!”

New Yorkers were gratified that somebody was sticking up for their city – the de facto capital of the United States and as pro-American a place as anywhere in America. But some critics attacked John Stewart’s profanity, forcing him to clarify:

“…it's not really fair, and it makes it seem like I'm just addressing Governor Palin about this, and I'm not. Just this whole entire theme that there are more American areas of the country, or some people love the country, some people don't.”

To sum up: “What I meant to say is, 'Fuck all y'all.'”

Although John Stewart’s comments are pretty polarizing, he managed to hit the nail right on the head when it comes to the thrust of the Republican campaign for the presidency – following the model which won them the election in 2000 and 2004.

Basically, by spreading the lie that conservatives and evangelicals in the red states (the ones who vote Republican) are somehow ‘better Americans’ than the egg heads, intellectuals and liberals in the blue states (the ones that tend to vote Democrat.)

I’m with John Stewart on this strategy. It’s divisive bullshit and it stinks.

The fact is, you can be anti-gun, pro-choice, pro-gay marriage and a life-long Democrat and still be a damn site better American than a tobacco-chewing, gun-loving Southern Baptist who has an American flag painted on his truck.

This whole idea of ‘if y’ain’t with us, yer against us’ and the insistence that ‘votin’ Republican is votin’ Patriotic’ is just offensive doublespeak intended to split the country in half and make dumb people vote on their gut instinct rather than on the issues.

This rancid attitude is everywhere. On SIRIUS radio, the right-wing talk radio station is called ‘SIRIUS Patriot’ (whereas the left-wing one has the limp title ‘SIRIUS Left.’) On TV and the radio, the right-wing pundits pound each other on the back and praise their rabid right-wing callers with ‘you’re a great American, sir.’

Somehow, lapel-pins, bumper stickers, American flags and ‘support the troops’ stickers have become the currency for patriotism, whereas the truth is the complete opposite of that.

You can have all the bumper stickers in the world, but it doesn’t make you a good American.

Patriotism is not falling into line with the rest of the pack. It’s not blind obedience to a government. It’s not the belief that your religion somehow makes you morally superior and worthy of dictating how others can live their life.

In fact, it’s fighting against all of the above. As famous historian Howard Zinn once wrote: "Dissent is the highest form of patriotism."

It’s time the liberals retook the term ‘patriot.’ Because what’s more patriotic than what they do?

• Thousands of Americans are dying in a bloody war overseas. Is it more ‘American’ to send more troops to that meat-grinder? Or angrily protest the war and attempt to ensure that as few brave American soldiers as possible end their lives, alone, on foreign sand?
  
• What’s more ‘American?’ To enforce your religious beliefs in schools and dictate to your offspring what they can and can’t believe? Or to fight to keep religion out of the classroom and stand up for parents to take responsibility for their children’s spiritual growth - in the privacy of their own homes or churches?
  
• What’s more patriotic? To bitterly attack other American’s inalienable rights to pursue ‘life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,’ because it upsets your religious sensibilities, or to fight to give other Americans the same rights and protections that all citizens should enjoy, under the ethos that ‘all men are created equal.’
  
• Why is it unpatriotic to question the 2nd Amendment, because the Constitution is sacred, yet ‘patriotic’ for people like Sarah Palin to support a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage? How can patriots fight to support one freedom at the same time they fight to deny another? Why is the constitution sacred one moment, yet open to changes the next?
  

The American Nation was forged in the fires of rebellion and dissent – by brave men who refused to knuckle under the tyranny of an oppressive government. Contrary to popular belief, that rebellion continues to this day and it’s not the right-wing who represent the ‘patriots.’

The right-wing have come to represent the oppressive, religiously-driven regime that fights to dictate the scope of free men’s rights.

That’s not very American at all.

Don't get me wrong, the liberals can be just as bad. Gun control, redistribution of wealth... Many Democratic policies (especially the fiscal ones) are are repressive as the conservative ones.

So to help liberally minded people keep fighting the good fight - and to ensure they don't follow the right-wing down the dark path - here is my 'Patriot's Manifesto.'

The Patriot's Manifesto:

1. A true patriot never supports any move to repress freedom, and attacks any move to censor, repress, ban, control or outlaw any existing freedom (from gun-control to hard-core pornography.) Repression is slavery.


2. A true patriot constantly questions his government's decisions on the local, state and federal level, from tax rates and tariffs right up to military action overseas. Blind obedience is slavery.


3. A true patriot never allows religion, ideology or dogma to enter into any part of government - from religion in school to socialism in government. Dogma is slavery.


4. That being said, a true patriot never infringes the rights of an American to believe what they want in the privacy of their own homes, temples, churches or mosques. It's freedom 'of' religion, not freedom 'from' religion.


5. A true patriot never infringes the rights of another American if they don't infringe on their own - from gay marriage to what color your neighbour paints his house.


6. A true patriot questions all established theories - but from a position of logic, rationality and fact. It's fine to question Global Warming or Evolution - but not if your only source of information is The Bible or what you heard on The Bill O'Reilly Show (see Rule #8)


7. A true patriot supports independence in all things - from personally freeing yourself from credit-card and bank debt, to making America totally energy independent. Reliance is slavery.


8. A true patriot worships knowledge, rationality and fact - and strives to learn and teach as much as possible. Knowledge isn't just power. It's freedom. Parents have a duty to make sure that their children know more than they do - and things like 'non-explicit' sex education and teaching religious doctrine instead of scientific fact in school go against that. Ignorance is slavery.

I will admit, I'm no perfect patriot. I walk a fine line on some of the issues I've mentioned above (especially when they concern religion.) But overall, I think the philosophies above are the foundation of true patriotism and you'll find as much of that in New York and Boston as you will in a million Podunk towns across the Midwest.

Sarah Palin? Newsflash. Patriotism isn't dictated by geography OR politics.

Boy, 8, accidently exercises his '2nd Amendment' rights

Boy, 8, shot to death in Mass. gun show accident

WESTFIELD, Mass. – An 8-year-old boy died after accidentally shooting himself in the head while firing an Uzi submachine gun under adult supervision at a gun fair.

The boy lost control of the weapon while firing it Sunday at the Machine Gun Shoot and Firearms Expo at the Westfield Sportsman's Club, Police Lt. Lawrence Valliere said.

The boy was with a certified instructor and "was shooting the weapon down range when the force of the weapon made it travel up and back toward his head, where he suffered the injury," a police statement said. Police called it a "self-inflicted accidental shooting."

2nd Amendment or not, in WHAT bizarre universe is it appropriate for an eight year old to be firing off a fully automatic Israeli killing machine?

Statistics show time and time again that gun-owners are far more likely to see one of their own family members killed than an intruder.

I wonder what the parents of this poor boy think about the importance of 'home defence' now?

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

Despite wavering ratings, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles has picked up a bit this season - not just in the number of people watching it, but also in the quality of the series.

This Monday's episode saw John Connor come within inches of crossing pathes with liquid-metal nasty Catherine Weaver (played very well by ginger-goddess Shirley Manson of Garbage.)

Apparently, I'm not the only one to feel this way. Executives at Fox have greenlighted Terminator for a full season - giving us plenty of metal-on-metal action to enjoy well into the new year.

George Bush endorses McCain...

How to write a synopsis...

So I've been thinking about the problem of getting published.

I don't think it's an impossible proposition any more. As I've spent more time writing for a living, I've realised that the secret of getting published is quite simple. I just haven't managed to achieve it 'novel scale' yet.

Here's what I've learned you need to do:

1. Come up with a killer concept for a novel - one you can describe in a single sentence, yet hook people into wanting to learn more.
2. Write an engaging, fast-paced book that constantly challenges the main characters so the reader is compelled to turn the pages to find out what happens to them.
3. Get your book accepted by an agent, then a publisher.

Out of these three steps, the third is the most difficult.

Publishers and agents, you see, are simply deluged with manuscripts and submissions. If you've ever read some of the extracts on NaNoWriMo, you'll realise that most of these submissions are utterly, utterly crap. And contain vampires and werewolves (yawn.)

So to stand a chance, you need to come up with a submission package that hooks an agent's attention and inspires them to read further... and further... and keep that pressure going until they need to request your entire manuscript merely to satisfy their curiosity about 'what happens next.'

To do this, you need three things:

1. A kick-ass cover letter, that makes an agent think: "This person seems to have their head screwed on. Let me risk five minutes of my hectic schedule to examine their synopsis."
2. A fast-paced, compelling synopsis that tells your entire story, chapter-by-chapter, in ten pages or less.
3. Your first three chapters - and, baby, they'd better be good.

Now the first and the third part of this puzzle I think I'd had down reasonably well. I've got some ideas about writing that cover letter which I'll go into elsewhere.

The synopsis, on the other hand, always gave me problems.

The fact is, it's not easy to distill the essence of a book - maintaining the characters, twists and surprises - into less than ten sides of A4.

I have tried doing so, but it's tough. Not just because it sucks all the life and character out of a book, but because listing all fifty-of-so chapters (even in 140 word paragraphs) ends up covering twenty sheets of paper and adding up to 7,000 words.

So today I patented a new process.

I went chapter-by-chapter through the Bootleg Boys and I took one five-line chunk out of each chapter - the most exciting bit.

So, for example, I cut the following from Chapter Ten:

Miss Rogers smiled fractionally. The stern looking girl was very pretty when the corners of her mouth lifted up.

“Don’t worry. I wasn’t really going to shoot you.” She gave the crossbow a rattle playfully. “I don’t even think this thing’s real.”

Thunk!

A quivering arrow whizzed past Eddy’s ear, burying itself three inches into the wall.

From that, I 'continued the thought' and managed to write down the business of Chapter Ten in just three lines (well, it's three lines in Word.)

Eddy manages to convince the mysterious brunette, Lucy Rogers, that he is who he says he is. She claims to be Eddy’s brother’s ‘Office Manager’ who lives in the downstairs apartment. Reluctantly, she agrees to let Eddy move in.

I then deleted the original 'quote' and left just the three line snippet. Astonishingly, it managed to sum up the chapter much more concisely than I could have imagined.

By doing this with every chapter, I ended up with a chapter-by-chapter synopsis that fit onto seven pages and came it an a snippet above 2,000 words - making it match the criteria of a synopsis suitable for an agent.

In addition to that, though, my new synopsis strategy helped me:

1. Eliminate or consolidate boring chapters. If nothing worth quoting happened in that chapter, it was time for it to go. I shed ten chapters when I realised they were inconsequential.
2. Eliminate plot discrepancies or lose holes I'd missed by only looking at the story chapter-at-a-time instead of as a whole manuscript.

For what it's worth, I think I've got a decent synopsis now. Perhaps I'm on my way to being ready to submit it all to an agent!

If you've finished a novel and want to send it off to a publisher, try my method of creating a synopsis. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised how helpful it is.

NaGeMyNoPuMo...

November is nearly upon as - and for many aspiring writers, that's the time for NaNoWriMo - the National Novel Writing Month.

I've been a participant for two years - getting a score the first year (with the Bootleg Boys) and then flunking out last time.

I have to admit, I'm not so sure about it this time around.

For a start, I've written 50,000 words this month on my as-yet-unfinished sexy-spy-extravaganza that contains so much sex and violence and dodgy one-liners that I would never let friends or relatives read it.

I'm not even finished with that one yet, and I'm expected to write another?

But I'm also aware that I need to do something... I've actually written a novel, Bootleg Boys, and have been so scared of rejection that I haven't even sent it off to a publisher - despite the fact that it's a million times better than Adventure Eddy and my one reviewer said he 'loved it' (apart from occasional rampant cheesiness.)

So this month, I'm starting National Getting My Novel Published Month.

I am going to get my manuscript in order and shop it to agents, to see if I can turn my Adventure Eddy dream into a reality.

And in the meantime?

Maybe I'll NaNoWriMo... If I have time... If work, wife, baby and (most importantly) inspiration let me.

Sarah Palin's Outfits

As many of you might have heard, Sarah Palin's in hot water at the moment.

She spent $150,000 dollars on clothing in the last month - something the Republicans have classified as "campaign accessories."

Clearly, the lovely lady looks very nice in the Neiman Marcus and Saks Fifth Avenue outfits - but people are protesting that this so-called 'humble hockey mum' is falsely claiming solidarity with 'Joe Six Pack' - after all, she goes onstage wearing outfits that cost as much as his house.

I, too, think it's totally inappropriate. Don't come crying to me, Ms. Palin, about how you're just a 'regular working mom' when one month's clothes shopping is a multiple of my yearly salary.

"Oh, but it's okay," the Republicans claim. "She didn't pay for these outfits. The Republican Party did - just so she can look her best."

Oh my God, don't get me started on this rubbish.

First off, I think the GOP owes an apology to every single campaign contributor. Decent working Republicans donated significant amounts of their hard-earned income to help McCain's campaign. How do you think they feel about this silly woman blowing hundreds of thousands of dollars on pretty skirts instead of effective campaigning?

Secondly, as always, this reveals that the Republicans are about as far from the party of 'fiscal responsibility' as it's possible to get. Oh, McCain and Palin are all about saving money, eh? They're all about knowing the value of a dollar, are they?

Well, why the hell didn't she shop at Marshalls instead of Saks Fifth Avenue? Is 'Joe Six Pack' really going to be upset if she turns up to a campaign rally in outlet-discounted skirt and blouse instead of a sexy little number that cost the same as the average American's yearly wage?

Look at it this way. In the last month, this 'small town Mom' spent the equivalent of five (read that, FIVE) union worker's salaries. On clothes.

Most of us are struggling to fill up our gas tanks and pay our bills. Not pretty Miss Palin. She's playing Barbie doll with the Republican credit card.

And they have the gall to accuse Obama of being 'elitist.'

Now don't get me wrong. I know 'the clothes maketh the man.' I know the GOP want Sarah to look her best. But style doesn't have anything to do with expense. One of the few annoying things about the American mentality is the misguided belief that class has a price-tag attached to it. She could look GREAT on one tenth of the budget the Republicans gave her - and even $15,000 a month on clothes is still abjectly disgusting for somebody claiming to be just a 'regular Joe.'


And I certainly don't begrudge anybody who wants to wear those beautiful clothes. I mean, if I earned enough money, you bet your arse I'd be sporting Brooks Brother's sports jackets and zooming around the country in an Aston Martin. But the caveat of that is 'if I earned enough money.' Which I don't.

I admire the Donald Trumps and the Warren Buffets of this world. I think P-Diddy entirely justified in blowing his hard-earned dough on Cristal champagne with diamonds in the glass. I think the life and shopping habits of the super-rich are their own business and they're entitled to every silky luxury they can afford.

But not politicians. Not with other people's money, in any case. Not when they claim to represent the 'working man' and folks 'just like you.'

When Sarah Palin first came onto the political scene, I was quite enamoured by her. I think she was focused, capable and a good person. But she's no 'maverick.' Look how quickly this 'outsider' got enveloped by the bullshit and hypocrisy of politics.

It makes John Edwards' $400 haircuts look like chickenfeed.

Video Game Causes Outrage (but not the one you'd think.)

So in the highly popular Grand Theft Auto series of video games, your thuggish main character can cruise up to prostitutes and have a romp with them in the back seat of his stolen car.

[As long as you're parked in a dark alley, of course. The designers didn't want the the game to be accused of not being realistic. - Editorial Bear]

You don't see anything explicit - just watch the car bounce up and down and listen to the suspension squeak. [Actually, that's not true. In the latest incarnation of the game, you DO get to see all the gory details - Editorial Bear.]

But when the Lady of the Night pulls up her kickers and clambers out of your car, you can sneak up behind her and bash her pretty little brains in with a baseball bat.

That, for the uninitiated, allows you to recover all the bloodstained money you'd spent hiring her 'services' in the first place.

For the curious, here's how to do it:

[Warning, the video is narrated by a foul mouthed Scotsman and, being about the systematic murder of a digital prostitute, is unsurprisingly not rated PG-13. - Editorial Bear]


How to Murder a Prostitute for Dummies

Naturally, little side-games like this have caused some outrage amongst the moral majority - who argue that video games like Grand Theft Auto are destroying the moral fiber of today's youth (even though the game has a 18 certificate, so children of responsible parents shouldn't even be playing it.)

Nevertheless, it's not Grand Theft Auto that's attracted the REAL ire of the religious right. It's the G-rated, family friendly strategy game Spore.

In Spore, you guide the development of life - from single-cell organisms to multi-limbed monsters who discover fire, war with other tribes, create cities and eventually travel to space.

"This entire game is propaganda!" One Christian critic exclaimed. "Aimed directly at our children to teach them evolution instead of creationism!"

Cue the collective *faceslap* of every rational person on the planet.

Yes, it's true, the concept of Spore is based on the concept of evolution. However, Spore has about as much in common with evolution as, well, eugenics.

For example, when Spore's creatures 'evolve,' they don't change gradually, over the course of many generations. A fully formed 'new' creature pops out of the egg of an old one - thus propagating that tired line Creationists use: "Find me the proof, oh Godless heathen, that a dinosaur turned into a monkey!"

It's right there on your video screen, buddy. Unfortunately, that's not how evolution happened in real life.

To be honest, I'm surprised old earth creationists and those who believe in Intelligent Design haven't embraced this game, because Spore has far more in common with their philosophy than Darwin's.

For a start, you play 'God' and you 'intelligently design' your creature through each step of it's evolution. Secondly, as God, you 'intelligent design' the facets you think you creature will be best off using. You even guide their existence and philosophy, choosing between being warlike and aggressive, to create fiercer creatures, or diplomatic and peaceful, generating more resourceful critters.

Quite simply, forget about SimCity or Civilisation. There is no more authentic 'God' game than this. Conservative Christians? Quit your whining and pick up a copy immediatement!

[Thanks to Christine for her Spore pictures. - Kitty Copy Editor]

The New James Bond Theme...

What the HELL is this crap?

Because it certainly isn't a Bond theme. Crikey, it makes Die Another Day by Madonna look acceptable. It's just TERRIBLE.

Good old Boris...

Boris Johnson, mayor of London and described in one article as a 'higher profile Conservative' than Tory-party leader David Cameron, has thrown his support behind Barack Obama.

He wrote a wonderful article about why he supports Barack, which you can read here.

Why I believe he should be the next President

What was especially amusing was his conclusion - which threw a bone to a much misunderstood minority - us redheads.

"If Obama wins, he will have established that being black is as relevant to your ability to do a hard job as being left-handed or ginger-haired, and he will have re-established America's claim to be the last, best hope of Earth."

Not Cricket...

I go on and on about conservative crazies, but it's important to remember that the left-wing have their own loonies - and often the crap they get up to is FAR more offensive than anything the right wing would attempt.

Case in point? Look at some of the Obama supporters who recently heckled at a media appearance by Sarah Palin.

It makes me think of something Messieurs Parker and Stone, creators of South Park, said regarding one of their more controversial episodes:

"We hate conservatives. But we really, really hate liberals."

Just remember, though - It's apparently McCain who's been running the negative campaign.

Stephen Fry in America

The BBC have a new show with the indomitable Stephen Fry - and it makes me angry.

On visiting Miami, he mused: "I'd rather be curled up in a snowy cabin with a hot whisky or, quite frankly, a Horlicks than I would spend half an hour in this rotting place."

Oh, shut up Stephen.

Don't get me wrong. I love Stephen Fry. He's a wonderful actor, writer and a British institution. [He's even been institutionalized - Editorial Bear.]

That being said, I am absolutely bloody sick of that sort of dreary rubbish (typical of the BBC.)

It's lazy and it unoriginal, this self-important British bullshit of going somewhere exotic and then immediately thinking it's clever and witty to complain about how awful it is there.

Yes, I GET IT, we're British. We naturally think all foreign places are somehow a little backwards and queer. I mean, did you know they put maple syrup on their bacon over in America? And some crazy evangelicals actually believe the world is only 6,000 years old?

But I'm getting bored of the dreary same-old - the stiff-upper lip, jolly-good-show and forced nostalgia about drizzle and umbrellas and Coronation Street and how there's nothing better in the world than a 'nice cup of tea' (an oxymoron if there ever was one.)

Brits abroad! If all you've got to say about some place is that you'd rather be back home, why don't you just do yourself (and all of us) a favor and just bloody go there, then?

Palin as President

Follow the link below and click on objects in the White House to discover what life under President Palin would really be like!

http://www.palinaspresident.us/

A Week is a Long Time Not in Politics...

Sorry about my disappearing act. Things have been a bit crazy over the last week, so I didn't have the time or inspiration to bore you with rubbish blog like I normally do.

I've been frantically working on some articles about LASIK - and running into a major mental-block wrapping them up. Then I've been struggling through the final chapters of a novel I've been working on all year, but am haunted by every writer's curse - the moment you get to the end and wonder: "Is this thing any good? Is it even worth finishing?"

Chez nous, life with baby is settling into a routine. Only it's a routine with no sleep and two parents who hardly have time to speak to each other any more! T's just started a new job, so it's all a bit hectic and we've both had to start dragging ourselves out of bed an hour earlier.

I often wondered why my parents had the bizarre obsession with getting out of bed while it was still dark outside. I realise now that it's a habit ingrained from decades of parenthood.

And, of course, there's work. Living and working in America has always been a toss-up between security and opportunity, but running into The Great Depression 2.0 hasn't exactly improved the situation. I'd cross my fingers, but it's difficult to type that way.

But there's an ancient Chinese truth: This too, shall pass.

Whatever happens, it's generally only a temporary situation. Just look at the 'gas crisis.' A few months ago, we thought $5 gallons of gas were going to be here to stay. Today, I notice that fuel prices have gone down to $2.90.

The scumbags in OPEC are even discussing cutting production to keep oil prices at around $90 a barrel (which is a pretty cheap shot.-Adjusting for inflation, oil has averaged $30 for this entire century, right up until Bush Jnr launched his crusade in Iraq. If OPEC does decide to hold us over an 'oil' barrel and keep oil so expensive, it's just further proof that we need to cut our ties with that load of crooks.)

[That'd be easier if you didn't drive that gas-guzzling monstrosity - Editorial Bear]

And it's autumn, the most beautiful time of year in north eastern America. As I was driving back from work yesterday, exhaust burbling, windows down and Smoke on the Water playing on my SIRIUS radio, I realised that life could be infinitely worse.

The Housing Crisis Explained

Saturday Night Live tells it as it is...

Boo Boo makes a pumpkin that goes "Boo!"

When I was a kid, my mother used to carve us 'pumpkins' out of courgettes and squashes.

This year, we had a REAL pumpkin, with we got when Baby and I went Pumpkin Picking.

Of course, he's too small to have actually done the carving - but it was a joint project!

Two weeks until Halloween!

Why I Support Barack Obama

I like John McCain. I really do. I like him as a person and as a politician - but the further he retreats into the arms of the conservative core of the Republican party, the more independent centrists like me are forced towards Barack Obama.

So a few days ago, despite wavering back and forth between the two for months, I decided to put my money down.

I bet on Barack Obama.

Don't get me wrong - he's not a perfect candidate by any means. Nor are the Democrats the perfect party. Freddie Mac and Frannie Mae are just two of the many recent examples of continuous corruption and graft overlooked by Democratic politicians (in return to substantial campaign contributions.)

But America isn't the country it was even a month ago.

The right wing talk show pundits warned that Obama would socialize America. In the end, it was the Bush government that nationalised the mortgage industry and is now considering doing the same to the banks. By the time Obama gets sworn in, there isn't going to be any industry left to socialize!

Things are going to happen whether we like them or not. America is being swept away by a current and the President can't change the direction it flows in.

I reached my decision to support Obama for several reasons:

Obama will cut taxes for the middle class - Obama's tax-cut program will give Tina and I back more than twice what McCain's would. That doesn't even include McCain's plan to tax health insurance - taking even more money from middle class people like us.

Obama is more fiscally responsible (although this is debatable)- McCain talks big about cutting pork barrel spending, but his financial plans don't do anything to tackle the deficit or the bankrupt mess that is Social Security. Obama's tax-plan will raise the burden on America's richest 1% - meaning he'll run a tighter ship than McCain. Besides, after eight years of financial ruin, can anybody trust Republicans to be 'fiscally conservative' any more?

The fact that they voted down the $700 billion bailout - yet voted FOR it when $100 billion in 'pork' was tacked on - proves that Republicans are hog farmers just like the Democrats.

Obama is more socially liberal - This is probably what swayed it for me. On issues like civil partnerships for gay couples, sex education in schools and the like, McCain is liberal enough. However, his party isn't and I don't want to see America's liberties trodden underfoot anymore. There are members of the Republican party who want to outlaw sexuality, enforce Religion and turn the 'land of the free' into a twee, homogenized pseudo-Christian Disneyland.

Sounds like a nightmare to me. Have you ever been to Disneyland? Impossible to get a gin and tonic anywhere.

Obama is a better statesman - Nobody will deny that Obama is a smooth operator. McCain, with his gurning expression and hunched shoulders, is the butt of jokes. Obama, on the other hand, is a modern-day John F. Kennedy (just without the sexually transmitted diseases.) If we wanted to pick a president on the basis of who's more presidential, Obama wins hands down.

Obama is a better ambassador - The Europeans love him. The Middle East will sit up and take note when a brown-skinned man with the middle name 'Hussein' takes office. Obama promises to actually tackle problem nations like Iran and North Korea, instead of refusing to talk to their leaders and barking aggressively at them like a chained-up junk yard dog.

Just by electing Obama, America will go some way towards restoring the international prestige that George Bush destroyed.

Obama will screw up the Supreme Court less than McCain - Let's be honest, here. Supreme Court judges legislate from the bench. The right wing can crow all they want, but conservatives like Scalia are JUST as bad as liberals like Ginsberg. Whatever happens, the Supreme Court will interpret laws how they want - and in that case, I'd much rather a liberal addition to the bench than a conservative one. I don't like it, but I don't like it less than anybody the Republicans could suggest.

Obama will get things done - By the time the election rolls around, we'll have a Democrat-controlled Congress and a Democrat-controlled Senate. This renders McCain, as a Republican, pretty much powerless to get anything done unless he crosses party lines. We may not like everything Obama puts forward, but at least it'll stand a chance of seeing the light of day.

It's time for a damn change! So we've just had eight years of the most hated president in recent history... And you want to elect one from the same party? Say what you want about Bush, but I think his failure says as much about current Republican party values as anything about him personally (actually, if he started drinking again I imagine he'd be fun to hang out with.) It is time for a change. It's time for a Democrat. Simple as...

I just want to support him - Perhaps most importantly of all, I support Barack Obama for a simple, silly - possibly even racist reason:

When my son is studying history - and looks back on the historic 2008 election (when the first African American candidate stood for the White House) I don't want to tell him that I voted for the stuffy, white, Republican septuagenarian.

Change is coming one way or another - We can either be part of it, or we can sit on the sidelines and gnash our teeth.

Swing States Remove Voters From Ballot?

NEW YORK - Tens of thousands of eligible voters have been removed from rolls or blocked from registering in at least six swing states, and the voters' exclusion appears to violate federal law, according to a published report. See Full Story Here.

Hang on. Didn't this happen in 2000 as well? Look where THAT got us! See Full Story Here.

Budweiser's American Ale

American beer has a somewhat undeserved reputation.

Sure, there's the homogenized, branded crap like Budweiser, Coors, Miller and Schlitz.

But there are also some fantastic beers - Samuel Adams Boston Lager, Brooklyn Lager, Sierra Nevada Pale Ale or Blue Point from Long Island.

In fact, American brewing has had a resurgence in recent years as consumers demanded a more sophisticated beverage - leading the pale-and-fizzy crowd to start branching out.

American Ale is Budweiser's response to popularity of artisan brewing. A dark, amber lager with an all-American label, it retails for about the same price as a six-pack of Sam Adams.

But is it any good?

The answer is a resounding NO.

Pop open a bottle of American Ale and pour it into a glass: You'll see the foamy head evaporate in seconds. Artisan ales keep that head for several minutes, if not longer.

While the color is a delicious amber, matching that of Boston Lager, the beer itself is rather tasteless, aggressively fizzy and has the sensation of being watered down. The only upshot is a very sharp malty bite after each mouthful - but that only lasts a second.

America Ale tastes like brown Budweiser lager, if we're being honest. If you like your beer fizzy and easy to drink, you'll be satisfied with this. If you're looking for something slightly more sophisticated, like Sam Adams, you'll be sorely disappointed. Even more so when you see that the price of American Ale is pretty much the same as a six-pack of Sam.

Budweiser American Ale is typical of the big-brand breweries. They'd rather spend marketing money peddling the same old crap than invest the time and effort into producing something special.

Budweiser American Ale? Avoid.

French Outfit

Adventures in Copywriting #423

One of the secrets to writing anything is to read it out loud.

How the words appear in your head are very different to how they sound when somebody's reading them out loud - so it's a lazy writer indeed who doesn't check his 'readability' by saying it loud and proud before he submits a manuscript.

Sometimes, however, reading something out loud just isn't possible. Not without getting some funny stares, anyway.

In these circumstances, a trick many writers use is to read their work in their head - in somebody else's voice.

Yes, that's right. Imagine somebody else is reading your work and it's easier to spot fluffy verbiage and stray punctuation. It's almost as effective as reading what you wrote out loud yourself.

Sitting in a cubicle in a busy office, I'm often reduced to 'reading' my work in my head. And when I do? It's almost always Morgan Freeman's voice I use to narrate things.

Do you think I need to start paying him royalties?

The Debate

Last night's Presidential Debate in Nashville is being hotly discussed.

Before other people's opinions swayed mine, I wanted to get down what I thought of the debate - and who 'won.'

Both candidates were their normal, professional selves. Obama, of course, came across better. He's tall, with good posture and a clear voice. McCain, with his hunched shoulders and mumbled voice, looked like a comedian about to deliver a zinger of a punchline.

That being said, the substance of what McCain was saying outweighed his lack of style. for example, when he suggested renegotiating all the bad mortgages the treasury has bought, adjusting them to the new house values (and removing negative equity) I thought he'd landed an election winner.

Interpreting the facts through all the rhetoric is difficult. Obama's version of the events leading up the demise of Freddie Mac and Frannie Mae was fictitious. Similarly, McCain was wildly misleading with his promise of tax-cuts across the board (they'd be negligible unless you were very rich.)

In the end, though, McCain delivered the message he needed to and avoided the jabs Obama sent his way. But while the Republican candidate did well, I don't think it'll be enough to sway the vote in his favour.

Corsi gets Canned in Kenya

Jerome Corsi, the right-wing propagandist who penned two vile books attacking Democratic Presidential candidates, has been 'detained' in Kenya.

He was there for the book launch of "Obama Nation," a 300 page attack on Barack Obama filled with the same sort of smears, insinuations and lies as his previous book, an attack on John Kerry called "Unfit for Command."

In Obama Nation, Corsi suggests that Barack Obama is a pot-smoking, secret Muslim radical with connections to black power groups - and filled with what Corsi calls 'seething black rage.'

The book has as little substance as Unfit for Command - the manuscript that stirred up the 'Swift Boat Veterans for Truth' - a petty hate group denounced by every rational politician and serviceman in America, including John McCain.

Despite his reputation as a hatchet artist, Corsi is a favourite with the right wing - many of whom apparently believe the rubbish he spouts in his slanderous books. However, Corsi severely overestimated his appeal when he visited Kenya.

It turns out that spewing a pack of lies attacking Kenya's favorite (grand)son didn't win him any support amongst the authorities in Nairobi. Corsi was arrested for organising the book launch without an appropriate work visa.

Carlos Maluta, a senior immigration official in charge of investigations, told the press: "We still haven't decided what to do with him."

Well, I have a few suggestions...

Autumn is definitely here...

"Autumn is a second spring, where every leaf becomes a flower." Albert Camus

.

The OJ Farce

This Saturday, O.J. Simpson found himself facing a lifetime in prison. A Las Vegas court found him guilty of 12 criminal charges, including kidnapping and robbery.

The case didn't generate the same controversy as O.J.'s murder trial, but it did exhibit the same stink of corruption. Watching O.J. get sentenced, we're all reminded that lynch-mob justice still exists in the Wild West.

I've written before about what a farce the 'trials of O.J. Simpson' have been. Whether or not you believe he was guilty of the 1994 murder of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, the media and the justice system have put Simpson through the meat grinder during the 13 intervening years and it's totally unacceptable.

In the 1994 trial, the jury was forced to agree that 'reasonable doubt' existed about O.J. Simpson's guilt. Why? Because the Los Angeles police department had planted evidence (the 'bloody glove') to strengthen their case - a fact made clear when Police Detective Mark Fuhrman was forced to 'plead the fifth' on the witness stand to cover his perjury.

In 1997, O.J. was in court again. The families of Simpson and Goldman sued him for the 'unlawful death' of their family members. Because a civil court demands only a 50/50 jury split (instead of a criminal court's unanimous decision, like the one that aquitted him) it was easy to win the settlement - $33.5 million. Enough to bankrupt Simpson for the rest of his life.

My problem with this verdict? It think it's very wrong that a civil court found Simpson guilty of something that a criminal court didn't. Like it or not, there was 'reasonable doubt' that OJ didn't commit the crime and therefore, no civil court in the country should have accepted the case.

In the 2008 trial, jury selection found that all of the members of the all-white jury were familiar with O.J. Simpson's murder trial and more than half of the jurors believed 'he did it.'

That makes a complete farce of a 'fair trial.'

Add to that the fact that the prosecution witnesses were all taking plea-bargins and immunity in return for their testimony and it's clear that the entire trial was a 'stitch up' by the District Attorney to make up for letting O.J. slip through the net thirteen years ago.

O.J. Simpson's lawyer, Yale Galanter, accused the jury of having "an agenda" and described the guilty verdict as "payback." Recording of Las Vegas police officers played during the trial revealed their excitement as being able to 'get' the guy who slipped through the fingers of the LAPD over a decade earlier.

It was vengeance, pure and simple. Whether or not you think O.J. Simpson committed murder is irrelevant. The subsequent trials and tribulations of the former NFL star have been nothing more than an extended campaign of persecution by corrupt elements within the legal and law enforcement system.

Boo Boo and the Choo Choo

Since Mum was working today, Martin and I headed off to go pumpkin picking - another reminder of why October in America is completely fantastic.

We headed off to Ringoes, a branch of the old Pennsylvania Railroad that ran to the nearby town of Flemington. These days, Ringoes seems like somebody's giant train set - a mish-mash of historic old carriages and clunky old diesels.

We took the train to Pumpkin Junction - and Martin loved his first adventure on the famous old American railroad.

Election Winner?

Oh, Meghan McCain's bringing out the big guns in support of her father.

That's right... Introducing the Straight Talk Express Republican Puppy™.

The Sarah Palin Drinking Game

Now you can get shitfaced, all thanks to our lovely Republican VP nominee! All you need to do is watch her in a debate, interview or stalk her through the streets of Wasilla, AK.

Take One Drink If...

1. Sarah uses the phrase; "you betcha," "doggone," "Joe Sixpack", "darn right!" or "God bless."

Take Two Drinks Every Time...

1. Sarah makes a comment about her pondunk little hometown in Alaska.
2. Every time Sarah refers to herself as a 'Hockey Mom'
3. Every time Sarah claims McCain's tax-cuts for the rich would help regular, middle class folk (DOUBLE POINTS if she adds 'like me')

Take Three Drinks Every Time...

1. Sarah winks at the camera.
2. Sarah flirts uncomfortably with the head of state of a major Islamic nation.

Take Four Drinks Every Time...

1. She answers a question with a string of nonsensical words and phrases. (DOUBLE POINTS if she creates something batshit crazy, like the idea of 'healthcare reform' for the economy.)

Drink The Whole Damn Thing...

1. If she refers to herself as a MILF.
2. If Sarah whips out a rifle and shoots dead a wild animal in public.
3. Tells her pregnant teenage daughter that she should have used a condom.